Older Brother problems....

[gmh1013]

My brother has always had a drinking problem he is almost 66 now....since his wife died in 2010 its got worse. I went several months without hearing from him so I thought maybe he got a job back in the oil field since he was let go in feb 2015. Its gone from bad to worse....I get a call on Jan 29th telling me he is homeless living in a Toyota Yaris! he is 6'4 275 pounds.....Working at a strip club in N.W. Houston.
Of course he wants money.....which would be the 3rd time ive had to bail him out. This time he wanted 5k and one of my cars ....for starters... I talked to my wife and we agreed he wanted to move in is impossible since he is a fithly slob and pee's all over floor and wall. I hated to be mean but if he moved in it would take the sheriff's dept to remove him. I called him told him we are having a bad time myself....which is lie. My house has been paid-off for years. I gave him 2500 and made it clear we cant help him anymore. Im sure he went straight to a strip club and got drunk. I want to help but know he would drain us down to zero in the bank .....get another loan on the house...and tear up my cars. We are not rich by any means....and have to watch our dollars since ive not worked in 11 years and live on wife's S.S. and small pension plus savings and small investments plus we have huge medical bills etc He sold his 2 Rolex watches a Lexus to get cash before asking me
Should I help him more knowing he is just a money pit?

[East Bay Rider]

No. If he broke you he would just move on to someone else.

[brandrea]

Hi Greg,

This is going to sound harsh, but you need to stop enabling him. Stop lending him money. He has a serious problem and needs professional help. Alcoholism is a disease.

You can help by trying to get him sober, dried out and into a treatment program.

I wish you well, and I wish your brother a lifetime of sobriety.

[Old Geezer]

Originally Posted by brandrea

Hi Greg,

This is going to sound harsh, but you need to stop enabling him. Stop lending him money. He has a serious problem and needs professional help. Alcoholism is a disease.

You can help by trying to get him sober, dried out and into a treatment program.

I wish you well, and I wish your brother a lifetime of sobriety.

This.

[DCgator]

I agree you’re becoming an enabler. You’ve helped with some cash and told him that was the extent of your help. Hard as it is, stop any further assistance and he will figure out how to move forward and return as a contributing member of society. For one thing, and God forbid, he would be able to help you should your own bills grow for whatever reason, so you need to watch out for yourself and your wife. Perhaps praying for him is the best help you can provide.

Best of luck.

[FTX I]

Originally Posted by brandrea

hi greg,

this is going to sound harsh, but you need to stop enabling him. Stop lending him money. He has a serious problem and needs professional help. Alcoholism is a disease.

You can help by trying to get him sober, dried out and into a treatment program.

I wish you well, and i wish your brother a lifetime of sobriety.

+1

[watchwatcher]

Originally Posted by brandrea

Hi Greg,

This is going to sound harsh, but you need to stop enabling him. Stop lending him money. He has a serious problem and needs professional help. Alcoholism is a disease.

You can help by trying to get him sober, dried out and into a treatment program.

I wish you well, and I wish your brother a lifetime of sobriety.

Yep.

[milov]

My feelings are kind of harsh. But the problem seems to be centred around the drinking. And they won't disappear unless that dependancy is removed.

So unless he stops drinking, there is little point in helping. Your token 2.5k is very generous. But perhaps offer it at 250 a week instead.

Then let him know that if he wants support in getting his life back on track then he needs to address and then get on top of his drinking.

It is very very difficult. But every now and then, someone breaks free.

[bdex75]

You cannot Greg. For 2 reasons.
1. He will not appreciate it and will bleed you dry.
2. It doesn’t sound like you can really afford to help him.

I went thru this with my mother in law. But instead of alcohol it was gambling. Our (wife and I) lives were a mess while we were enabling her. As soon as we stopped, she moved away and stopped asking us for money and stealing from us when we weren’t home.


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[1st amg]

Man, what an awful situation for you and your wife to deal with. I am with Brian, don't enable him anymore, it will never stop unless he forces himself to see he has a problem that needs to be dealt with once and for all. Good luck.

[gmh1013]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

Man, what an awful situation for you and your wife to deal with. I am with Brian, don't enable him anymore, it will never stop unless he forces himself to see he has a problem that needs to be dealt with once and for all. Good luck.

Its a bad situation for everybody put in this crisis with drinking problems....in all truth i really thinks he wants to die and this way does not look a bad as pulling a trigger. Im 60 and in poor health myself and my wife is 68 and in very poor health herself. We were talking tonight about the drinking problem vs opioid crisis.....drinking would win hands down for destroying lives because its there anywhere you go.

[BBL]

Greg... please take care of yourself and missus.
Blessings,
DM

[AzPaul]

Another 'no win' scenario. Hope things turn around a bit for your brother, but from the picture you paint, hard to imagine it will.

[Etschell]

sorry to hear this. hopefully he improves.

[Andad]

It has all been said in previous posts Greg.

Sorry to read about your brother but at you and your wife's point in life you need to look after yourselves as number one.

Everyone else is a distant second.

[Oyster1982]

I see that his drinking problem is most likely self medication. Anxiety and depression will lead someone to self medicate, he may need to see a therapist to work out issues that make him drink. Also it is important that cut off the money supply, it will only make him more dependent. a fresh supply of unearned money is just as bad as the booze. I have had this situation in my family and understand the destructive effects. I hope this has a positive ending for you and that you can maintain a positive relationship with your brother.

Ed-

[CRM114]

Giving money won't solve his problem; alcohol. You won't be able to solve his alcohol problem because it sounds like he needs professional help. Until that happens and a re-alignment takes place, all free money does is "solve" the problem he perceives; how/where to get another drink. Money does not equal Help. Help comes in the form of supporting his drying out, not enabling.

Fencing-off your home life and the world/relationship you have with your wife as you've done to his personal problems he's trying to make yours is the best thing to do, IMO. It's stressful already because he's your brother by blood, but having someone like that encroach deeply into your and your wife's lives will only cause the emotional stress and financial worry to escalate for you both, personally and your relationship with each other. While he's still drinking, if he's not kept at arm's length it's inevitable you'll both be sucked into his day-to-day problems, and he'll become THE central issue. You could easily wind up spending years of what you thought would be golden ones with her struggling with someone who doesn't care about the well-being of you, her, or your marriage any more than his own.

For that reason, until he's sober and solidly on track with professional help, I wouldn't entertain the notion of him actually living with you and your wife for a minute, peeing on the wall or not. Although I imagine she shares your concerns and has empathy for him, your wife married you, not your brother and his unchecked addictions. I'd look to her well-being first in all things, which seems to be where you're looking already.

[bayerische]

My older brother had a serious drinking problem.

If he called after 4PM, I usually didn't answer, as I knew he was probably drunk.

Then came the day he couldn't call anymore. I regret not answering while I could.

[Vishy26]

Originally Posted by bayerische

My older brother had a serious drinking problem.

If he called after 4PM, I usually didn't answer, as I knew he was probably drunk.

Then came the day he couldn't call anymore. I regret not answering while I could.

Sorry Andreas

[Canefan1]

I am that brother just the younger brother. Never asked or received anything from him. He hasn’t communicated in yrs because of a drunken rant I went on in a pm type setting a few yrs back. Along with that came my niece who I treasure is with him. I wish for that talk to say plz forgive me, I was totaled and am so very sorry. I still drink but know the damage it has caused. I have a sister who I can talk to but I’m not much into it except maybe every couple of months or so to check in and say hello. I’m doing ok but am very lonely and regret the above happened. It sucks.
Reach out to your brother for me even if it’s to say “hi brother I’m just checking in”.

[4vCoupe]

I love my older brother. I’ll help him whenever i can, he’s asked me for money once. Didn’t pay me, didn’t ask. Sorry you are in this situation, see if you can help him long term with counseling or rehab.


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[Casey VP-26]

Sorry you are in this situation, but you must try to help him in any constructive way.

Instead of giving him money help him with a rental and other things you feel is necessary within your means without giving him any cash.

He's your Brother, If something happens you will not forgive yourself.

Good Luck Greg.

[function12]

I will just say just because you don't "help" him right now or later does NOT mean you don't love or care for him.
As others have said, helping with money right now is not helping him. He needs help and you can't help him until he understand the real help he needs. Addiction is a disease that has to be treated by the professionals.
I wish you the best of lucky and hope your brother get on the road to recovery.

[Rock]

Some people have an innate predisposition to be psychologically dependent upon "things" whether it be substances (alcohol, drugs) or lifestyle (gambling, sex, religion, etc).
It is not necessarily their fault. We all get a genetic legacy that we have no part in determining.
Most people rationalise their dependencies (I've been through bad stuff), or refuse to recognise them (I don't really have a problem). It's a coping mechanism.
Sometimes it can be productive to replace destructive dependencies with more neutral ones. Would it be possible to get him along to an AA chapter?

[SkyKing31]

My answer is different from everyone here. If it were my brother, I would open my home to him, I would clothe him, feed him. I would not turn him away. While he was staying in my home, I would be trying to get him help for his drinking problem. I would be looking for the services that can provide assistance. That would be a condition of him living in my home .. Look for services to help him clean himself up .. Failure to do so would result him having to leave .. But I could never leave him out in the cold. I personally could never imagine being homeless, and I'd prefer death over homelessness.

Now .... I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are a bad brother. I'm only saying what I myself would do. No matter what though, you need to do what is best for you. You obviously love him because he's on your mind. You wouldn't have shared this situation if he wasn't on your mind. Perhaps you can talk with social services who can direct your brother to services which can help him? His situation will always be bad until he can get into recovery from his drinking. Whatever you do for him, don't drain your emotional and physical well being.You'll be in no position to help if you don't have the emotional and physical strength to do so.

[Canefan1]

Originally Posted by SkyKing31

My answer is different from everyone here. If it were my brother, I would open my home to him, I would clothe him, feed him. I would not turn him away. While he was staying in my home, I would be trying to get him help for his drinking problem. I would be looking for the services that can provide assistance. That would be a condition of him living in my home .. Look for services to help him clean himself up .. Failure to do so would result him having to leave .. But I could never leave him out in the cold. I personally could never imagine being homeless, and I'd prefer death over homelessness.

Now .... I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are a bad brother. I'm only saying what I myself would do. No matter what though, you need to do what is best for you. You obviously love him because he's on your mind. You wouldn't have shared this situation if he wasn't on your mind. Perhaps you can talk with social services who can direct your brother to services which can help him? His situation will always be bad until he can get into recovery from his drinking. Whatever you do for him, don't drain your emotional and physical well being.You'll be in no position to help if you don't have the emotional and physical strength to do so.

Thanks for this post. Very good man.

[daveathall]

Originally Posted by SkyKing31

My answer is different from everyone here. If it were my brother, I would open my home to him, I would clothe him, feed him. I would not turn him away. While he was staying in my home, I would be trying to get him help for his drinking problem. I would be looking for the services that can provide assistance. That would be a condition of him living in my home .. Look for services to help him clean himself up .. Failure to do so would result him having to leave .. But I could never leave him out in the cold. I personally could never imagine being homeless, and I'd prefer death over homelessness.

Now .... I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are a bad brother. I'm only saying what I myself would do. No matter what though, you need to do what is best for you. You obviously love him because he's on your mind. You wouldn't have shared this situation if he wasn't on your mind. Perhaps you can talk with social services who can direct your brother to services which can help him? His situation will always be bad until he can get into recovery from his drinking. Whatever you do for him, don't drain your emotional and physical well being.You'll be in no position to help if you don't have the emotional and physical strength to do so.

I agree with this.

[function12]

Originally Posted by SkyKing31

My answer is different from everyone here. If it were my brother, I would open my home to him, I would clothe him, feed him. I would not turn him away. While he was staying in my home, I would be trying to get him help for his drinking problem. I would be looking for the services that can provide assistance. That would be a condition of him living in my home .. Look for services to help him clean himself up .. Failure to do so would result him having to leave .. But I could never leave him out in the cold. I personally could never imagine being homeless, and I'd prefer death over homelessness.

Now .... I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are a bad brother. I'm only saying what I myself would do. No matter what though, you need to do what is best for you. You obviously love him because he's on your mind. You wouldn't have shared this situation if he wasn't on your mind. Perhaps you can talk with social services who can direct your brother to services which can help him? His situation will always be bad until he can get into recovery from his drinking. Whatever you do for him, don't drain your emotional and physical well being.You'll be in no position to help if you don't have the emotional and physical strength to do so.

I will just say, that will only work if the person wants help. There seems to be an addictive gene in my family and thank goodness it skipped my sister and myself. I have seen many family members destroyed by a selfish family member with an addiction. That family member doesn't believe they have a problem. Then it always becomes an us vs them. It gets very ugly. Thank goodness a few have been able to seek help after many many years of addiction. I have also witnessed a close family member kick the addiction for 20 years only to relapse.
So, you can choose to have this hell brought upon you and your family (the stealing, fights, yelling, crying, destruction of you home or tell the person you are here to help 100% once they are ready for the help but they must take the first SEVERAL steps.

[SkyKing31]

Originally Posted by function12

I will just say, that will only work if the person wants help. There seems to be an addictive gene in my family and thank goodness it skipped my sister and myself. I have seen many family members destroyed by a selfish family member with an addiction. That family member doesn't believe they have a problem. Then it always becomes an us vs them. It gets very ugly. Thank goodness a few have been able to seek help after many many years of addiction. I have also witnessed a close family member kick the addiction for 20 years only to relapse.
So, you can choose to have this hell brought upon you and your family (the stealing, fights, yelling, crying, destruction of you home or tell the person you are here to help 100% once they are ready for the help but they must take the first SEVERAL steps.

I believe addiction is a disease, and the person suffering from that disease is unable to help having that disease. It's no different from me having a tumor. My only option was treatment, and the same is true for anyone with addiction. Sadly, those who suffer from addiction can and often do relapse. Again it's no different if a tumor returns after treatment .. It can't be helped.

I myself cannot and will not ever turn away a sibling or any other close loved one if they are homeless. My home is their home, my food is their food, my clothes are their clothes (well, except anything labeled Brioni). If I end up getting yelled at, if I end up crying .. that's on me. I simply will not allow any of my family to be homeless or hungry. I honestly believe that homelessness will only help the person to feed into their addiction as they try to medicate themselves to numb the pain rather than force them to seek help on their own.

Some people simply don't know how to help themselves, and some people are unable to seek help on their own. "Tough Love", and "Sink Or Swim" doesn't always work. Some people need someone to guide them to the proper people and places who can provide the services they need. ALL of them certainly need the emotional and moral support of someone they love and trust. There is a quote which comes to mind "Whatever you've done to the least of these, you have done it unto me" Never mind where I read that quote, but it is something I believe with all my heart. I am a very lucky man, probably the luckiest man alive. I have been given so much in my life, therefore I too must give.

I have said before, and I'll say it again. I don't believe the OP is wrong, nor to I believe he is a bad brother. The OP must do what is best for him and his family. I also do not believe any of the other members who posted a reply is wrong. They simply have their beliefs and opinions, and every single one of them are entitled to those beliefs and opinions. Mine just happen to be different. Besides, everyone who replied did so in a way that shows their beliefs and opinions are based on love.

I feel horrible for the OP, and I stand by what I said to him. He's got to make certain he doesn't become emotionally or physically drained otherwise he won't be in a position to help his brother, or look after his own family.

As for you, I am sorry you have had to experience the unpleasant experience of having loved ones suffer with addiction. I know it isn't easy for you, and I wish you all the best as well as those who are suffering.

[austinp]

Originally Posted by SkyKing31

My answer is different from everyone here. If it were my brother, I would open my home to him, I would clothe him, feed him. I would not turn him away. While he was staying in my home, I would be trying to get him help for his drinking problem. I would be looking for the services that can provide assistance. That would be a condition of him living in my home .. Look for services to help him clean himself up .. Failure to do so would result him having to leave .. But I could never leave him out in the cold. I personally could never imagine being homeless, and I'd prefer death over homelessness.

Now .... I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are a bad brother. I'm only saying what I myself would do. No matter what though, you need to do what is best for you. You obviously love him because he's on your mind. You wouldn't have shared this situation if he wasn't on your mind. Perhaps you can talk with social services who can direct your brother to services which can help him? His situation will always be bad until he can get into recovery from his drinking. Whatever you do for him, don't drain your emotional and physical well being.You'll be in no position to help if you don't have the emotional and physical strength to do so.

Same.

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