Life Changing Event

[vh_bu98]

I live a normal and somewhat boring life (although some who know me may disagree), going through life's routine such as university, career, marriage, deaths in the family and etcetera. So my trip to Vietnam last month for the first time since I left as an infant was supposed to be a routine vacation in my eyes. I honestly never thought it would really change my life in anyway, but it's strange what life throws at you when you least expect it. I met my biological father, which I didn't know existed since I always thought the man who raised me was my biological father. Apparently it was a secret that everyone in my family knew except me. In addition, I have an older half sister (First Marriage) and two younger half brothers (Third Marriage) who live in Finland.

Normally discovering a biological father and siblings that I didn't know existed would be a life changing event in itself, but apparently that isn't enough. My biological father has asked me come back and visit for about two to three months to get to know him, the country and his business. He has also asked me to come work for him for two years in Vietnam after my second visit. If I accept his offer, I would be leaving my career in IT, my life in the US and my wife since she decided that she would stay in the US during the duration. The trade off is that I would get to know my biological father, learn my culture, learn business skill sets and make some serious money.

I am planning my second trip back to Vietnam at the end of the year which may decide my fate although I am leaning towards making the life changing move.

Some photos from my trip...

[FeelingTheBlues]

Quite a moving story along with amazing pictures, you can clearly feel the cultural differences by them. I hope you had a good trip despite all the news and perhaps shocking events you went through. I also wish you a lot of courage to make up your mind and make the good decision.

[GradyPhilpott]

Viet Nam is a very beautiful country and I'm certain the appeal must be great, what with having met your father, siblings, and having been offered a sweet business deal.

Good luck in your decision making.

[fusionstorm]

Whoa, that's a helluva decision to make!! Couple questions:

1) Is your biological dad's business offer truly legit? Not to be cynical or an ass, but you having American citizenship (I'm assuming) and a decent income makes you an inviting target.

2) How strong is your marriage? Once again, you having American citizenship and a decent income makes you an inviting target. And I'm sure you've witnessed/experienced firsthand that a guy with money is king in countries like Vietnam.

Good luck!!

[2careless]

Well good on you Vu.
Unless your marital relationship is rock solid I wouldn't dare go. It's very hard to use skype to retain a relationship...

[A Jewel Thief]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[stephentross]

I love my wife. More than anyone. I lost my dad when I was 15. If I had that opportunity regardless of money or whatnot. Id go. 24 months is nothing. I have been in Iraq and Afghanistan since 2008. I imagine it may be a tough choice. But it is not permanent. You can always reverse if it is not going well. You had no control over all of those choices made so many years ago. IT jobs come and go. Id go see my Dad.

Good luck with your choice. Your wife will always be by your side. That is one of the great reasons we call them wife. :) Plus you guys are free to see each other as money and time permits.

I know it will be a tough choice. Let the wife choose what she wants. Happy Wife, Happy life! :)

[Hooper]

Wow, thanks for sharing your experience !!! Goes to show we all take life for granted sometimes and fail to show the real appreciation for what we have and for what we have or in some cases have not experienced !!

[Dan2010]

I don't envy the choice you have to make. I couldn't leave my wife behind for 2 years personally. No way.

Good luck with your choice.

[Lion]

Good luck with your decision.....it's a tough choice to make. Is your marriage strong...will she wait.....if so it would be a life changing experience to get to know your Dad and homeland and your culture by birth. Good luck to you but remember you have made a life long commitment to your lady and her wishes are very important!!!

[masterserg]

Tough one. For me, as much as I love my parents, my wife and son are my family so I would not do it.

Good luck with your decision.

Amazing photos by the way.

[Andad]

Originally Posted by masterserg

Tough one. For me, as much as I love my parents, my wife and son are my family so I would not do it.

Good luck with your decision.

Amazing photos by the way.

x2.

[Grumpy Badger]

The three month visit I can completely understand but 2 years straight away from your wife...?

Surely it's a bit stange that this has all been laid on the table so soon.
I could understand him suggesting the three month visit and then, if that went well, saying you should come out for longer but this seems to have gone from 0-60 in about 2 seconds!

[TheVTCGuy]

Absolutely amazing Vu! And what a difficult choice. It is an easy one for me, I am not married, no children, I would go in a heartbeat but as members have brought up, family is a difficult thing to leave. Is there no chance she could come with you?

Anyway, I would look at it as an exciting adventure, but I understand your concerns. I wish you the best in whichever you choose my friend!

[GothamG8or]

Your wife is your family now. I'm not saying don't go, but the two of you need to be on the same page. You don't choose your family, but you do choose your wife/husband.

Good luck!

[eric23]

Great Photos!

[azguy]

Freakin amazing pictures, it looks like you could eat your way through the whole place, my style, for sure

[vh_bu98]

Here's the back story, which makes things a little more interesting.

My mother left Vietnam with me when I was three years old to get away from my biological father and the country. She met my step dad on the boat that he was captaining and he took a liking to us. My step dad was in the South Vietnamese navy so he had ties to the US military, which made it easier for him to enter the US. My step dad and mother changed my birth name when I emigrated to America to make the paperwork easier.

My biological father was thrown in prison for 18 months by the Communist for helping people escape Vietnam. When he got out, he emigrated to Finland with his family. He told me that he spent years searching for me and my mom which included several trips to the US in hope of finding us. My mother had told her family not to say a word about where we were. Her reasoning was that she had her life and family in the US and he had his life and family in Finland. She never ever imagined that I would ever meet my biological father.

About ten years ago, my biological father divorced his third wife and moved back to Vietnam to make his fortune again. He finally was able to get a hold of my mother and they have kept up communications for the past few years. My step father passed away a year and a half ago. Last year, my mother suggested that I come back and visit Vietnam to see my grandmother since she was getting old and she hadn't seen me since I was an infant. I later found out that this was a cover for me to meet my biological father. Even though we were staying at my biological father's home and he was taking care of everything, it wasn't until a few days in that my mom told me who he really was.

My mother and wife thinks it's a good idea for me to try this venture. My wife and I had a four year long distance relationship before we got married so only time will tell if a two year period will change anything. My wife actually welcomes the idea of being on her own since she never has been. And it's not like I will be in Vietnam for two years straight. I am sure that I will come back and visit the US during that time frame.

Maybe I am looking for something that I didn't have since my family wasn't very close. Or it could be that life is a little boring and I am caught up in the rat race and needing a change. I won't lie, the idea of traveling and making my fortune is appealing. And even if I don't make the money that I am hoping too, I will at least learn new skill sets that I can bring back to the US and start a new career. I believe the three month visit will be the deciding factor. The downside is that I will have to quit my job with the plus side that my biological father will cover my salary that I would be giving up. So when I come back from the second trip, I will either be looking for another job in IT or preparing for a two year adventure.

[Stonedcl]

Why do so many people in Asian countries have their mouth covered?
Does the flu run rampant there or are they just being extra couscous?

[vh_bu98]

Originally Posted by Stonedcl

Why do so many people in Asian countries have their mouth covered?
Does the flu run rampant there or are they just being extra couscous?

In Vietnam, a lot of people ride mopeds and don't wear full helmets. So they wear those masks to avoid breathing in dust and other things when they ride.

[HL65]

I couldn't imagine as being away from my wife for one night is hard enough....
Beautiful pictures and what a story. Best of luck with your decision.

[TheVTCGuy]

Wow, Vu, thanks for the story and it sure is interesting. I think it would be a tremendous adventure, how exciting! However, I am not married, I have no children, the decision for me is easy, I see why it is not for you.

Let me throw some theory to you... Please do NOT be offended. It sounds like in your words you are excited about this opportunity, for many reasons. The main reason you would not go, is so your relationship with your wife is not jeopardized. Obviously, that's an important consideration. But let's look at it another way.

Let's say you turn it down. Is it possible, this my create eventual resentment towards your wife? Because she is the reason you did not take this incredible adventure? And it may do your relationship with her more harm in the long run. (?).

Again, please do not be offended, but, I have seen this happen; from my Military service days.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best my friend.



Look at me, giving marriage advice... Now THAT'S funny.....

[vh_bu98]

Originally Posted by fusionstorm

Whoa, that's a helluva decision to make!! Couple questions:

1) Is your biological dad's business offer truly legit? Not to be cynical or an ass, but you having American citizenship (I'm assuming) and a decent income makes you an inviting target.

2) How strong is your marriage? Once again, you having American citizenship and a decent income makes you an inviting target. And I'm sure you've witnessed/experienced firsthand that a guy with money is king in countries like Vietnam.

Good luck!!

Is my biological dad's business legit? I don't know since we didn't talk much about business during my two weeks. I did visit a farm that he owns and we tour a development area where he was making note of things that were wrong and having his secretary calling people asking them why. It's possible that it was an act but it didn't seem like it. I stayed at his main house which would be well off even in US standards. He showed me another home closer to the city and said I could have it if I wanted it. I chatted with my new founded half brother and he made the comment that our dad wouldn't have a problem paying me a salary of a few thousand US every month. So I'm not quite sure how I would be an inviting target since I really don't have anything financially to lose. For him to pay me the salary that he is talking about, he has more to lose financially considering that the average monthly income in Vietnam is only about $150 USD. But you're right to say that a guy with money can live like a king in a third world country.

In honesty, I believe he cares for his family and he is lonely since none of his children live in Vietnam. Being the oldest son, there is a certain status that exist in Asian families and the fact that I'm the only one who has shown interest in living in Vietnam, decreases the odd that he would do anything to lose that.

Originally Posted by TheVTCGuy

Wow, Vu, thanks for the story and it sure is interesting. I think it would be a tremendous adventure, how exciting! However, I am not married, I have no children, the decision for me is easy, I see why it is not for you.

Let me throw some theory to you... Please do NOT be offended. It sounds like in your words you are excited about this opportunity, for many reasons. The main reason you would not go, is so your relationship with your wife is not jeopardized. Obviously, that's an important consideration. But let's look at it another way.

Let's say you turn it down. Is it possible, this my create eventual resentment towards your wife? Because she is the reason you did not take this incredible adventure? And it may do your relationship with her more harm in the long run. (?).

Again, please do not be offended, but, I have seen this happen; from my Military service days.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best my friend.



Look at me, giving marriage advice... Now THAT'S funny.....

I have always listen to what you have to say Paul so no worries especially since you're not the first person to bring up the topic. My wife and I have discussed the subject and she wants me to go. She says that she doesn't ever want to stand in my way. Could this decision eventually end of my marriage? The answer is possibly. We have no children and we are only in our mid-30's so if both of us had to start over, we can. My aunt actually expressed her concerns since she said that girls will be throwing themselves at me. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I may be a US citizen and tall, but I'm an average looking guy with a big round head with not much to offer to young pretty girls.

[2careless]

Originally Posted by vh_bu98

My aunt actually expressed her concerns since she said that girls will be throwing themselves at me. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I may be a US citizen and tall, but I'm an average looking guy with a big round head with not much to offer to young pretty girls.

You bet. Since it's a 3rd world country, people there will try to get a foothold on anything that can get them out.
Seen this many a times when friends got divorced after working in China leaving their families in Hong Kong and Melbourne, for some young girls they met in China.

Temptations abound over there. Good luck mate.

[fusionstorm]

Originally Posted by vh_bu98

Is my biological dad's business legit? I don't know since we didn't talk much about business during my two weeks. I did visit a farm that he owns and we tour a development area where he was making note of things that were wrong and having his secretary calling people asking them why. It's possible that it was an act but it didn't seem like it. I stayed at his main house which would be well off even in US standards. He showed me another home closer to the city and said I could have it if I wanted it. I chatted with my new founded half brother and he made the comment that our dad wouldn't have a problem paying me a salary of a few thousand US every month. So I'm not quite sure how I would be an inviting target since I really don't have anything financially to lose. For him to pay me the salary that he is talking about, he has more to lose financially considering that the average monthly income in Vietnam is only about $150 USD. But you're right to say that a guy with money can live like a king in a third world country.

In honesty, I believe he cares for his family and he is lonely since none of his children live in Vietnam. Being the oldest son, there is a certain status that exist in Asian families and the fact that I'm the only one who has shown interest in living in Vietnam, decreases the odd that he would do anything to lose that.

Do your due diligence. Emotional blackmail is as much of a potential hazard as financial pitfalls. Put some random person you barely know in place of your father for this particular situation. You'd take some time and effort to see what you're getting yourself into in that instance, right? Don't skip over that simply b/c he's biologically related to you.

Originally Posted by vh_bu98

My wife and I have discussed the subject and she wants me to go. She says that she doesn't ever want to stand in my way. Could this decision eventually end of my marriage? The answer is possibly. We have no children and we are only in our mid-30's so if both of us had to start over, we can. My aunt actually expressed her concerns since she said that girls will be throwing themselves at me. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I may be a US citizen and tall, but I'm an average looking guy with a big round head with not much to offer to young pretty girls.

Surprised you haven't already realized from your time in Vietnam that you'll soon feel like you're the Viet Brad Pitt or Leo Di Caprio once you settle in there. Temptation will present itself early, often and continuously. You can view it as a blessing or a curse (or both), but you should go with eyes wide open that your vows of fidelity are going to be tested numerous times.

And having read that your wife is non-Viet, it's a good thing she's going to stay stateside. Otherwise, she'll be clamped to your side constantly to keep the ladies away.

[vh_bu98]

Originally Posted by fusionstorm

Do your due diligence. Emotional blackmail is as much of a potential hazard as financial pitfalls. Put some random person you barely know in place of your father for this particular situation. You'd take some time and effort to see what you're getting yourself into in that instance, right? Don't skip over that simply b/c he's biologically related to you.

I honestly don't believe there is any emotional blackmail. No one has said I should do this because he is my biological dad. The driving force is the opportunity to learn a business and the possibility of making more money than what my current career path has to other. Financial security...that's the motivator.

Originally Posted by fusionstorm

Surprised you haven't already realized from your time in Vietnam that you'll soon feel like you're the Viet Brad Pitt or Leo Di Caprio once you settle in there. Temptation will present itself early, often and continuously. You can view it as a blessing or a curse (or both), but you should go with eyes wide open that your vows of fidelity are going to be tested numerous times.

And having read that your wife is non-Viet, it's a good thing she's going to stay stateside. Otherwise, she'll be clamped to your side constantly to keep the ladies away.

My wife was with me during the trip and I was always with my mother or my biological father being chauffeured around so I wasn't exposed to a lot of things that a single traveler would have been.

Originally Posted by GothamG8or

I would be somewhat troubled by how quickly this has accelerated now (no shorter trial run...). With such a dramatic life decision why the seeming insistence on doing it so quickly? That being said, I've never walked a mile in your shoes so I don't pretend to know what is right for you. Good luck

Well the bypass of the trial period was actually my idea initially since I felt it was a waste of time and money to go over for a few months, come back for a few months and maybe go back again. I later changed my mind thinking I could go on a ski trip with friends if I came back before going back.

[DARK_KNIGHT]

Wow ! Amazing story. Amazing photos ! Amazing people !

With a well thought out "plan of action", you won't need luck.

If you do take the trip, post more of those amazing pictures.

[david_ord]

Originally Posted by vh_bu98

Is my biological dad's business legit? I don't know since we didn't talk much about business during my two weeks. I did visit a farm that he owns and we tour a development area where he was making note of things that were wrong and having his secretary calling people asking them why. It's possible that it was an act but it didn't seem like it. I stayed at his main house which would be well off even in US standards. He showed me another home closer to the city and said I could have it if I wanted it. I chatted with my new founded half brother and he made the comment that our dad wouldn't have a problem paying me a salary of a few thousand US every month. So I'm not quite sure how I would be an inviting target since I really don't have anything financially to lose. For him to pay me the salary that he is talking about, he has more to lose financially considering that the average monthly income in Vietnam is only about $150 USD. But you're right to say that a guy with money can live like a king in a third world country.
l:

I'm Vietnamese. I started visiting the country 1994. Later on, I worked for a multinational company in Hong Kong, during which time I was being sent to Hanoi and Vung Tau about once a month to work on the company's projects. I watched a couple of my cousins go from having nothing to being millionaires in less than a decade, yes, in usd. Thus, I think I understand the economy there pretty well, both at the big company level as well as at the small business, "street level." It sounds like your dad is a wheeler-dealer, running a variety of small businesses. This is pretty common. It's a developing country, and there's a lot of money to be made being multi-faceted businessman.

My advice to you is: be humble, and don't take a salary. You're a new comer with an IT background. You're throwing yourself into a world of business run by veteran businessmen whose IQ and street smarts are just as high as yours. There's nothing you can do that could warrant a salary of a couple of thousand a month. If you're like me, you can't read or write past the elementary school level. Any salary you take would simply be a drain on the business's cash flow. Unless you're repeatedly closing deals that YOU single-handedly brought to the table (unlikely in the beginning), drawing a huge salary without corresponding productivity would make you a target of resentment and ridicule from local people who have been loyal to your father for years. Work for food and shelter, and start taking a portion of the profits if and when the deals you brouught to the table start generating money.

Btw, when my company started sending me on regular trips, I bought an english-viet business & legal dictionary and tried to learn all the relevant terms. I would read the dictionary during down time, like on the plane. You should do the same.

[toph]

Tough one. Many opinions and thoughts on it.

I would do it if it is really what you want to do BUT only with the knowledge that it will not disrupt the rest of your life permanently I.E wife. your family who raised you etc.

This might seem harsh as i dont knwo any background info:
He might be your father biologically but your dad is your dad who raised you and was there for you growing up and dont you ever forget that.
Has you bio dad ever tried to contact you? What do you know about him?
I would be inclined to be a bit sceptical after so long. Money should not even come into this.

[Lisa]

Originally Posted by toph

Tough one. Many opinions and thoughts on it.

I would do it if it is really what you want to do BUT only with the knowledge that it will not disrupt the rest of your life permanently I.E wife. your family who raised you etc.

This might seem harsh as i dont knwo any background info:
He might be your father biologically but your dad is your dad who raised you and was there for you growing up and dont you ever forget that.
Has you bio dad ever tried to contact you? What do you know about him?
I would be inclined to be a bit sceptical after so long. Money should not even come into this.

Toph - just a couple of points and then I'll go back to minding my own business - we don't know Vu's relationship with his stepdad.... or anyone in his family for that matter. As Vu wrote, his bio dad made attempts to find him but his mom kept their whereabouts secret.

I can't articulate this very well, and can't speak for Vu, but sometimes people need to find answers to their deepest questions by accepting challenges... it's about needing to understand one's capabilities, realize dreams, goals, and fundamentally know who we are.