To My Dear Wife.

[padi56]

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times Just put on clean sheets.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
5 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of the month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hairdo.
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was very unsatisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:


5. times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36. times you did not come home at all.
21. times you didn't come.
33. times you came too soon.
19. times you went soft before you got in.
38. times you worked too late.
10. times you got cramps in your toes.
29. times you had to get up early to play golf.
2. times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 .times you got it stuck in your zipper.
3. times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2. times you had a splinter in your finger.
20. times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6. times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98. times you were too busy watching football,golf,etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed, and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to catch my breath.

[JJ Irani]

What can I say? I can't 'cause I'm in splits! LOL!