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Old 27 April 2009, 03:55 AM   #1
idk01
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If Tommy Cooper was alive today :-)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU ! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,
just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theater. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He s aid, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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Old 27 April 2009, 03:58 AM   #2
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LMAO

You mean THIS Tommy Cooper?

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Old 27 April 2009, 04:03 AM   #3
idk01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prince View Post
LMAO

You mean THIS Tommy Cooper?

Thats the Man!,

I've been using one of his gags for years now, usually grab a taxi on the way home from the airport, as soon as we are at home, he tells me the cost so I hand over the creditcard, sign the name then hand him an envelope and tell him, here ya go mate, Have a drink on me :-) inside the envelope is a tea bag I do it to clients too, they are all getting use to it now
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Old 27 April 2009, 04:07 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idk01 View Post
Thats the Man!,

I've been using one of his gags for years now, usually grab a taxi on the way home from the airport, as soon as we are at home, he tells me the cost so I hand over the creditcard, sign the name then hand him an envelope and tell him, here ya go mate, Have a drink on me :-) inside the envelope is a tea bag I do it to clients too, they are all getting use to it now
You are a complete nut, Dave. A perfect asset here on TRF!!!
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Old 27 April 2009, 06:09 AM   #5
browngo1
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Absolute class! Thank you!

If the legend was still alive today he would love this material!

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Old 27 April 2009, 06:38 AM   #6
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Old 27 April 2009, 03:59 AM   #7
JJ Irani
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All very good!!
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Old 27 April 2009, 07:22 AM   #8
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Excellent puns and play on words!!!
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Old 27 April 2009, 07:33 AM   #9
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Old 27 April 2009, 10:02 AM   #10
coddger
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LOL
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Old 27 April 2009, 12:05 PM   #11
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Old 27 April 2009, 01:17 PM   #12
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Old 27 April 2009, 06:09 PM   #13
swatty
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Very Good Dave
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Old 28 April 2009, 10:29 AM   #14
Gerry
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Dave,
You have some of the best jokes I've seen here. Excellent taste, my friend. I can imagine Tommy Cooper loving them!
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