can anyone explain a mid life crisis

[threemonkeys]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis

I think there are 2 truths that can form the basis of a mid-life crisis:
1. For every woman, no matter how beautiful she is, somewhere there's a guy that's sick to death of f**king her.
2. Your kids, no matter how special and beautiful they are, will at some point turn on you and become sniveling s**ts.

I think if you find yourself at the confluence of these events, it's only natural to turn to the materialistic things you thought you deserved when you were young and never got as a form of solace.

Ok, I'm kidding. But just a little bit.

I'll go out on a limb here and say I completely agree with this. And I often remind myself about point #1. That really makes me appreciate my wife and realize the grass ain't necessarily greener.

[Timber Loftis]

BTW that was an odd thing, I guess, for me to post on my 10th wedding anniversary, lol. Anyway, we're going out tomorrow to celebrate our first decade together.

[toph]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis

BTW that was an odd thing, I guess, for me to post on my 10th wedding anniversary, lol. Anyway, we're going out tomorrow to celebrate our first decade together.

:r ofl:,

congrats on the 10 and have a lovely evening

[chicfarmer1]

Originally Posted by JasoninDenver

I still want to feel like I am living a life that is inherently consistent with who I am as a person.

I think that attempting to make some changes at this stage of your life is a normal and healthy process provided that these changes are respectful to your family members and not unrealistic "pie in the sky" dreams (like me becoming a professional bike racer).

Fantastic post. These two sentences are key.
--
We wouldn't have the notion of "mid life crisis" if we accepted that all parts of our life course are opportunities for growth and reinvention. We absorb the idea that we have to be in a routine at all times, and that's the thing that really kills the soul over time, I think.

[DiamondJack]

I think it's all about making sure you don't waste time in your life or put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

That way, you minimise the regrets so many people have and probably why these mid-life crisis' exist.

I have always been lucky enough to do pretty much what I want when I want and other than work restricting time, I have no real regrets.

The people I see heading for a Big C, are people that in the main, and I know you can't generalise, but don't grab life and enjoy it while they can. For example, every January, I make a list of what I would like to achieve in the year ahead. Sometimes this includes consumer goods like cars or watches (it was watches in 2011 ) but more often than not it includes something like learning a language, visiting my parents more, keeping in contact with old friends, helping a charity etc). Next year I would like to learn to fly a plane...... and so it goes on......

I would imagine there aren't many people who have had a big health scare that have Big C's, since they immediately recognise the value of just being alive and start to make the most of it while they can.

Here endeth my tuppence worth

[seand442]

I'm not sure its a crisis. I'm happy at home but work sucks. Trying to figure out how to survive. Quasi mid-life crisis.

[Andad]

I have had four or five of those already.

[sleddog]

Originally Posted by directioneng

I have had four or five of those already.

That's got'a hurt Eddie!?!?!

[SkyKing31]

Originally Posted by Grissom

After being married for 25 years, a fellow took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

The wife, being the reasonable woman she was, told her husband......

"Go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and not too worry, she would make sure that he, once again, would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

My mom emailed this joke to me not to long ago, and we had a laugh .. She probably would have said the same thing to my father

[Rod.]

I call them mid-life opportunities, and since I'm not sure when mid life will actually come or was, I've been making some use of my opportunities as they present themselves!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Rbdport]

"life is what happens while you're busy making plans." generally attributed to John Lennon.

[BarkMaster]

I think too many people associate it with marital issues. Relationships of all kinds CAN be affected depending on how the parties involved handle it.

I think it's more of an introspect view on oneself... if you are satisfied with yourself: where you are at with goals, appearance, career, etc.

As I stated earlier, I have done it about every 10 years for most of my life. I started one a couple of years ago and my wife couldn't be happier with the changes:

• Sold my weekend vehicle (it was all about ME)
• Added and furnished a large covered porch to our house
• Made another significant step forward career-wise
• Decided to eat better / live healthier
• Bought an entire new wardrobe (the Day/Date was part of this)
• Shaved my head (looks wayyyy better than what hair I had left! )

A friend I hadn't seen in a few years was probing about the changes when she saw me. She wanted to know if I was "seeing" someone: I guess it looked that way to her. Feeling slightly insulted but understanding how it could potentially appear to outsiders, I let her know I was not and that this lifestyle change was brought on by the birth of my daughter.


So having a "mid-life" crisis does not necessarily end with bad results or negatively impact a marriage... THIS mid-life crisis has to do with me being altered by the birth of our child and wanting to be a great father and husband / male role model for my daughter... and at 50 live long enough to see my now 4yr old become a healthy and independent adult.

[East Bay Rider]

Middle aged man.
Trapped. Working in a job he hates while supporting his family that just consume. Grocery bills, insurance payments, cell phone plans. Must keep up with the Jones. Work all week then spend half the weekend on upkeep of the lawn - raking leaves - more work, for nothing.
Why? Who cares? What does it matter if the lawn grows or the leaves fall? Why does he have to spend his precious few hours cleaning up nature? Who says he must? He was always taught to think it matters. He's proud that flowers grow and his lawn is green. He believes this is an accomplishment to be proud of. Next Saturday he'll do it again lest it fall into disrepair. Wasteful.
He admires the new lawnmowers at the store. Pitiful. He should be out windsurfing or exploring or motorcycling or hiking or diving or sailing. Living. Anything.
He doesn't want a new necktie or a minivan. He wants a cabin in the woods and a spear. He wants simplicity and to claim his own food because that's all that matters and everything else is just him living for someone else and their desires.
Primal.
It's not a mid life CRISIS. It's a return to independence. When he's young he plays along - doing what's expected to be an 'adult'. Finally his 'crisis' allows him to reach for what he's always wanted but sacrificed for the sake of harmony in the family.
Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

[GradyPhilpott]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

It's not a mid life CRISIS. It's a return to independence. When he's young he plays along - doing what's expected to be an 'adult'.

Finally his 'crisis' allows him to reach for what he's always wanted but sacrificed for the sake of harmony in the family.

Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

I wholeheartedly concur.

[chicfarmer1]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

What if he doesn't think it's a crisis but he's hurting others--is there fault to be assigned or not?

[seand442]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Middle aged man.
Trapped. Working in a job he hates while supporting his family that just consume. Grocery bills, insurance payments, cell phone plans. Must keep up with the Jones. Work all week then spend half the weekend on upkeep of the lawn - raking leaves - more work, for nothing.
Why? Who cares? What does it matter if the lawn grows or the leaves fall? Why does he have to spend his precious few hours cleaning up nature? Who says he must? He was always taught to think it matters. He's proud that flowers grow and his lawn is green. He believes this is an accomplishment to be proud of. Next Saturday he'll do it again lest it fall into disrepair. Wasteful.
He admires the new lawnmowers at the store. Pitiful. He should be out windsurfing or exploring or motorcycling or hiking or diving or sailing. Living. Anything.
He doesn't want a new necktie or a minivan. He wants a cabin in the woods and a spear. He wants simplicity and to claim his own food because that's all that matters and everything else is just him living for someone else and their desires.
Primal.
It's not a mid life CRISIS. It's a return to independence. When he's young he plays along - doing what's expected to be an 'adult'. Finally his 'crisis' allows him to reach for what he's always wanted but sacrificed for the sake of harmony in the family.
Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

Well said sir.

[threemonkeys]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Middle aged man.
Trapped. Working in a job he hates while supporting his family that just consume. Grocery bills, insurance payments, cell phone plans. Must keep up with the Jones. Work all week then spend half the weekend on upkeep of the lawn - raking leaves - more work, for nothing.
Why? Who cares? What does it matter if the lawn grows or the leaves fall? Why does he have to spend his precious few hours cleaning up nature? Who says he must? He was always taught to think it matters. He's proud that flowers grow and his lawn is green. He believes this is an accomplishment to be proud of. Next Saturday he'll do it again lest it fall into disrepair. Wasteful.
He admires the new lawnmowers at the store. Pitiful. He should be out windsurfing or exploring or motorcycling or hiking or diving or sailing. Living. Anything.
He doesn't want a new necktie or a minivan. He wants a cabin in the woods and a spear. He wants simplicity and to claim his own food because that's all that matters and everything else is just him living for someone else and their desires.
Primal.
It's not a mid life CRISIS. It's a return to independence. When he's young he plays along - doing what's expected to be an 'adult'. Finally his 'crisis' allows him to reach for what he's always wanted but sacrificed for the sake of harmony in the family.
Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

Bingo, Bill. Right on the money with this!

[rsg]

You people are depressing me.
Do what you want and create the life that is most satisfying for you. If your current spouse, kids, car, whatever fit into that life so be it. If not move on, you only have one life to live.
BTW I've been married for 22 years, have two daughters and couldn't imagine my life any other way. The grass is aways greener on the other side.

[TswaneNguni]

Originally Posted by seand442

I'm not sure its a crisis. I'm happy at home but work sucks. Trying to figure out how to survive. Quasi mid-life crisis.

If you are happy at work and unhappy at home,then you are sure it IS a crisis !!

[TswaneNguni]

Men have midlife crisis',females have menopause.In both cases,they are equally mad.

[betrezra]

There is a TV show here in the States called "Run's House". It features ex-performer of Run DMC from the 80's. A highly successfuly pop act.

Run is in his late 40's / 50's and his kids are giving him heck about buying a Lambo (car)... they say "mom says you're having a mid life crisis with this car"....

Where Run chides back: "if you're buying a Lamborghinia..... there is NO crisis" :)

[cruvon]

Wow, some interesting life lessons here to fathom when I have my mid life crisis, thanks:)

[Passionata]

it comes first time you can t shag , not happened ,
yet;-P

[Dan Pierce]

After turning 50 two years ago the biggest changes I've made are taking up cigars and bourbon.
dP

[Lisa]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Middle aged man.
Trapped. Working in a job he hates while supporting his family that just consume. Grocery bills, insurance payments, cell phone plans. Must keep up with the Jones. Work all week then spend half the weekend on upkeep of the lawn - raking leaves - more work, for nothing.
Why? Who cares? What does it matter if the lawn grows or the leaves fall? Why does he have to spend his precious few hours cleaning up nature? Who says he must? He was always taught to think it matters. He's proud that flowers grow and his lawn is green. He believes this is an accomplishment to be proud of. Next Saturday he'll do it again lest it fall into disrepair. Wasteful.
He admires the new lawnmowers at the store. Pitiful. He should be out windsurfing or exploring or motorcycling or hiking or diving or sailing. Living. Anything.
He doesn't want a new necktie or a minivan. He wants a cabin in the woods and a spear. He wants simplicity and to claim his own food because that's all that matters and everything else is just him living for someone else and their desires.
Primal.
It's not a mid life CRISIS. It's a return to independence. When he's young he plays along - doing what's expected to be an 'adult'. Finally his 'crisis' allows him to reach for what he's always wanted but sacrificed for the sake of harmony in the family.
Give a middle aged man enough freedom and money to do the things he wants and I promise that HE won't be calling that period of his life a 'crisis'.

Eloquent and very insightful, Bill. Thanks.

[Lisa]

Originally Posted by rsg

You people are depressing me.
Do what you want and create the life that is most satisfying for you. If your current spouse, kids, car, whatever fit into that life so be it. If not move on, you only have one life to live.
BTW I've been married for 22 years, have two daughters and couldn't imagine my life any other way. The grass is aways greener on the other side.

I guess that's the mindset that is so damaging to the people involved... a wife and mom can feel completely abandoned and left with an unimaginable burden. "How could he do this? How could he choose to leave his own children and the woman who is caring for them, and for him?" Women would sacrifice everything for their kids without hesitation - happiness, freedom, dreams. The idea of leaving the family to focus on personal pursuits is, well, absolutely not an option. It's astonishing to us to realize that a man would suddenly become so introspective... it becomes all about him and no longer about "us."

I'm not passing judgment - just noting that such fundamental differences between men and women at that stage in their lives contribute to the difficultly.

Two words: Man Cave!

[DiamondJack]

Originally Posted by Lisa

I guess that's the mindset that is so damaging to the people involved... a wife and mom can feel completely abandoned and left with an unimaginable burden. "How could he do this? How could he choose to leave his own children and the woman who is caring for them, and for him?" Women would sacrifice everything for their kids without hesitation - happiness, freedom, dreams. The idea of leaving the family to focus on personal pursuits is, well, absolutely not an option. It's astonishing to us to realize that a man would suddenly become so introspective... it becomes all about him and no longer about "us."

I'm not passing judgment - just noting that such fundamental differences between men and women at that stage in their lives contribute to the difficultly.

Two words: Man Cave!

Absolutely agree with you Lisa and some men revert to a child like and very selfish mind set at a certain age and I think this is partly due to a life evaluation that goes on when they see what has passed them by.

But just to throw something in to the mix and perhaps explain this change of attitude, I also think society and, particularly women's biological urges, do push men into that "family" life ahead of when they are perhaps ready for it.

I know many male friends who had children fairly early on in life primarily because it was all part of their girlfriends/wives "life plan" and the "time was right". These guys are all heading for big C's as they have a pent up feeling of having missed so much due to inevitable family commitments.

My male friends who got all the "issues" out of their system and lived their lives to the full without these commitments and then married and had children (usually with a younger women of 10 years or so) in their mid to late 30's .... seem perfectly content. Maybe women should be looking for guys 10 years older than themselves if they wish to minimise the big C predicament.

[chicfarmer1]

Originally Posted by Lisa

I guess that's the mindset that is so damaging to the people involved... a wife and mom can feel completely abandoned and left with an unimaginable burden. "How could he do this? How could he choose to leave his own children and the woman who is caring for them, and for him?" Women would sacrifice everything for their kids without hesitation - happiness, freedom, dreams. The idea of leaving the family to focus on personal pursuits is, well, absolutely not an option. It's astonishing to us to realize that a man would suddenly become so introspective... it becomes all about him and no longer about "us."

I'm not passing judgment - just noting that such fundamental differences between men and women at that stage in their lives contribute to the difficultly.

Two words: Man Cave!

Brava!

[rsg]

Originally Posted by Lisa

I guess that's the mindset that is so damaging to the people involved... a wife and mom can feel completely abandoned and left with an unimaginable burden. "How could he do this? How could he choose to leave his own children and the woman who is caring for them, and for him?" Women would sacrifice everything for their kids without hesitation - happiness, freedom, dreams. The idea of leaving the family to focus on personal pursuits is, well, absolutely not an option. It's astonishing to us to realize that a man would suddenly become so introspective... it becomes all about him and no longer about "us."

I'm not passing judgment - just noting that such fundamental differences between men and women at that stage in their lives contribute to the difficultly.

Two words: Man Cave!

I would agree for the most part, my father left when I was six and I haven't seen him since. My mother raised my brothers and me as best she could.
However, I don't think mid life crisis is strictly a man thing, I have seen some of our female friends go through their own version.
I think the point I was trying to make is that once a person realizes they have a choice and no one is "stuck" or "trapped" in any kind of lifestyle they will usually make the right decisions.

[siewmaiwatch]

Originally Posted by JasoninDenver

I am 44 with two kids under 4 years of age. I don't have the time for a mid-life crisis, but I feel all of the pressures and demands on me increasing day by day.

Most of these pressures are self imposed as I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful wife who only wants me to be happy. However, I still want to feel like I am living a life that is inherently consistent with who I am as a person. I want to be a good role model to my kids and I realize that involves more than working myself to death or making as much money as possible at all costs.

As an attorney that does a good amount of divorce work, I see a common thread in many failing relationships in this stage in life. Simply put, the man had never had the time or freedom to follow his true desires in life. Many of my male clients got married early and started having children right away. they often became the sole breadwinner of the family as the children demanded so much of their wife's focus. Then, as career goals were not met or were met and found to be not as fulfilling as anticipated, they wondered why they were trying so hard to maintain a lifestyle that was so unrewarding.

I have had dozens of clients who were extremely successful in their careers and lives by all outside measurements. Yet, so many were miserable and wished they could just do their lives over again.

The marriages that make it at that point are the ones where the couple can work together to find a solution. The wife goes back to work if she has been a stay at home mom or they agree to a radical lifestyle change to accommodate a lower level of stress or shifting life goals.

The ones that fail are the ones where: (1) one or the other (or both) digs in and refuses to accept any change, (2) one party starts acting in a destructive fashion (girlfriends, etc...), or (3) the marriage was never very good to begin with.

One poor guy I dealt with went through this at about my current age after working in a career that was so stressful that it was negatively impacting his health. He wanted to find another job (which would have paid substantially less) and asked his spouse to go back to work since the kids had started school. Her response was "No - and if you feel your job will kill you, you better get more life insurance." Real love there. After his divorce, he is now very happily single.

I think that attempting to make some changes at this stage of your life is a normal and healthy process provided that these changes are respectful to your family members and not unrealistic "pie in the sky" dreams (like me becoming a professional bike racer).

I effectively went through a mini mid life crisis at 32 after dealing with a bout of cancer. I made a conscious decision to not work as hard and be happy making less money than I know I could. I ran a law practice in Durango, Colorado at the time and was able to effectively front-end load my retirement time. I spent the next three years biking, skiing
and traveling at every opportunity. Now I look back on those years for strength when the kids screaming gets to be a little hard to take.

Thank you for sharing these.