Dealing with death

[SDGT3]

You can make more of nearly everything... except time, so make it count.

I debated long and hard about posting here but finally decided there may be many perspectives from others that can help.

This has been a difficult year with friends passing. I always thought that it was something for an older generation, perhaps my parents in their 80's. The strange thing is that they are all parents of my children's sports team. Four this year alone and 5 in all (that I know of) and we're not that old (early to mid 50's). One died in a plane crash, another was a firefighter/paramedic that was 3 months from retirement, had built his retirement home from the ground up on a lake and his two daughters were both pregnant with his first grandchildren, whom he never got to see. Another died of an unknown complication and the 4th this year just died this morning of cancer after having been diagnosed just 3 weeks ago. We had built a good friendship over 15 years and shared the interest of motor racing. We would go watch Grand Prix races together and although he was a mechanical engineer by trade, he was a talent with an air brush and painted several of my helmets and those of my racing friends.

This core group of kids were fortunate enough to be on the same club team together from 7 to 17 year old. As parents on traveling teams, you see each other 2-3 times a week during our kids practice (before the kids start driving themselves to practice) and then weekends for games. You travel and stay in the same hotels for tournaments and the kids play against each other during the high school season. Basically a year round group of people you spend your days, nights and weekends with.

I reached out to try and see him but he was either not feeling up to it or he had taken a fall and went to the hospital. Last night, after I had already gone to bed, his wife texted me and said he was back home and if I'd like to come over and see him. I responded this morning that I could break away for work tomorrow. She texted back today and said he passed away at 6:20 this morning. That's when it hit me... don't put off tomorrow what you can do today because you may not get a second chance. Sorry about the rambling, but just typing this through swollen eyes is therapeutic.

[GradyPhilpott]

My condolences to you and all your friend's family and friends.

[Chewbacca]

True words to live by. Condolences to your group of friends and the the families.

[brandrea]

I’m really sorry to hear this Phillip. My thoughts go out to all of those families and friends in mourning.

Time is precious indeed. Be kind and make good choices, that’s how I tell my kids to live each day.

God bless you and yours.

[Cambo]

Condolences
Kind of a timely topic with me. I’m 62 and already lost two good friends my age. Watching the news (maybe it’s just me) but it seems like many younger people are leaving us too early.
I’m now at the age where I will be seeing many more funerals than weddings. Life is short regardless. Enjoy every day to its fullest.

[sickened1]

My condolences. When my mom passed away, there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish i had spent more time with her. Once they're gone, there isn't much you can do except regret... and that will stay with me until the day I die (and hopefully see both of my parents again).

[MrGoat]

Originally Posted by SDGT3

You can make more of nearly everything... except time, so make it count.

I debated long and hard about posting here but finally decided there may be many perspectives from others that can help.

This has been a difficult year with friends passing. I always thought that it was something for an older generation, perhaps my parents in their 80's. The strange thing is that they are all parents of my children's sports team. Four this year alone and 5 in all (that I know of) and we're not that old (early to mid 50's). One died in a plane crash, another was a firefighter/paramedic that was 3 months from retirement, had built his retirement home from the ground up on a lake and his two daughters were both pregnant with his first grandchildren, whom he never got to see. Another died of an unknown complication and the 4th this year just died this morning of cancer after having been diagnosed just 3 weeks ago. We had built a good friendship over 15 years and shared the interest of motor racing. We would go watch Grand Prix races together and although he was a mechanical engineer by trade, he was a talent with an air brush and painted several of my helmets and those of my racing friends.

This core group of kids were fortunate enough to be on the same club team together from 7 to 17 year old. As parents on traveling teams, you see each other 2-3 times a week during our kids practice (before the kids start driving themselves to practice) and then weekends for games. You travel and stay in the same hotels for tournaments and the kids play against each other during the high school season. Basically a year round group of people you spend your days, nights and weekends with.

I reached out to try and see him but he was either not feeling up to it or he had taken a fall and went to the hospital. Last night, after I had already gone to bed, his wife texted me and said he was back home and if I'd like to come over and see him. I responded this morning that I could break away for work tomorrow. She texted back today and said he passed away at 6:20 this morning. That's when it hit me... don't put off tomorrow what you can do today because you may not get a second chance. Sorry about the rambling, but just typing this through swollen eyes is therapeutic.

My sincere condolences to you and all of your many friends family.

Dealing with death is so different for each of us.

However you deal, do not think it’s wrong or feel guilty for it.

I just recently lost a very good family friend, I used to do work for him at his house when I had nothing. He helped me stay afloat during hard times. Last few months he had been asking me to help him with some things at his house and I kept telling him I was too busy. He got his son to help, his son builds multi million dollar homes. He asked his son to help fix an outside shower, son said I will get to it tomorrow. Next day son finds dad dead in the backyard because dad was too impatient to wait till the next day.

I felt guilty, I expressed this to his children (all of whom are family) and they all said not to blame myself at all.

We all move on in different ways.

Pm me if you need to talk.

Now for another question on top of OP’s, does no one care about dress code at a funeral anymore?


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[donas]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear of the losses. I found your post to be of ironic timing, for me at least. Today is the one year anniversary of my dad passing from Covid. I definitely agree with you, live every day as your last, it might be!

I am very fortunate to have had a great father, who I stayed relatively close to my entire life. Upon his passing, our last couple of lunches suddenly meant so much more to me. With that, I began to "encourage" (ie nag) a couple of my friends who also had ailing fathers to start appreciating the time before it is gone. Thankfully, I got them to listen. One lost his father months later and the other thanks me just about every week, as he has made every effort to spend time with his father he may have otherwise thought he was "too busy" to do.

Again, sorry for your loss, but I do think you are making the most of it. We all can learn from so many things, if we just step back and look at them.

[Moondoggy]

does no one care about dress code at a funeral anymore?

Agree 100%, have been watching it deteriorate for years, certainly some cultures it has never been on their radar and maybe it's gaining ground from there.

[East Bay Rider]

I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a lot and all sudden too.
"Momento mori" has been on my mind a lot lately as I've been going through my own struggles and also helping take care of my mother 40 miles away. From the other perspective I'm grateful that my son still lives at home and I have a newfound appreciation for the time we spend together. He doesn't have to but he chooses to at this time.

[shaunylw]

Sorry for your losses. I had two close friends, both under 50 pass away this year. It certainly has made me rethink my career, time away from family, and the little stuff that irritates me. We are on borrowed time, and we don’t know when the shot clock hits zero. It’s made me forget the little stuff and focus more on family.


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[White Collar Boy]

My condolences Phillip.

You’ve certainly had a rough year, and losing your mate this morning must feel very raw and unbelievable. Thanks for sharing your message not to put things off.

Take care.

[daveathall]

Philip and Wade, I am so sorry, this will be an awful time for you both. You are right, live and love life, it can change in the blink of an eye. Just when one thinks everything is going well, it changes.

My condolences, so sorry.

[mountainjogger]

Condolences Phillip. You no doubt feel giant holes in your life. It may seem like cold comfort, but that is the price we pay for great loves and great friendships (not sure there's a difference).

[1st amg]

So sorry to hear this Phillip. It's a void that is very hard to ignore. This October will be the 5th anniversary of my father's passing. Seems like yesterday. I miss him every single day and I pray every night that I have a "sign" that he is around me and the family. Sometimes, I know he is there as there have been many unexplainable situations that clearly point to his watching over us. I am certain, you will have those signs or dreams of your dear friend.

Wade, sorry about your father. I completely understand how you preached to your friends about spending more time with your father....I did the same, and almost five years later, I still give that advice...in fact, for me, it's hearing his voice that I miss the most and I tell all of my friends who may have a parent that is ill, to tape record his/her voice. It is the most beautiful thing to hear their voices, because once they are gone, you will never, ever hear that voice.

[JSol1]

My condolences Philip and Wade.

I actually came here to post something very similar as I just need an outlet.

Last night I got a text from my oldest and best friend that his wife passed away yesterday morning after a sudden illness. She was 61. Two young teenagers left behind and she was the bedrock of the family.
I was there when they met, was Best man and my wife and I actually went on their honeymoon with them.
We were planning an end of summer get together for this week and I had just spoken to her a couple of weeks ago when she called to wish me a Happy Birthday.
Still don’t know the details as my friend is simply in no shape to speak. I’m simply numb and feeling very empty at the moment.
If I didn’t see Philip’s post I’m not sure I would have had the courage to post something like this, but doing so is somehow a little cathartic…not sure what today will look like since I’m still struggling to comprehend…

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

… it's hearing his voice that I miss the most and I tell all of my friends who may have a parent that is ill, to tape record his/her voice. It is the most beautiful thing to hear their voices, because once they are gone, you will never, ever hear that voice.

This is really good advice Nicholas. I remember to speaking to you shortly after your dad passed and you told me this.

I took your advice and I’ve got a few recordings of my dad and mom with the family and especially the great grandkids.

[Vintyage]

My condolences buddy. I can totally relate to what you’re feeling right now especially because I lost my dad barely a month ago. He was aged so I take that as a consolation but truth is you can never be prepared enough or even feel like you’ve said or done enough for that lost loved one.
It’s sad how life is just like a mist, here today and gone tomorrow.


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[Vintyage]

“Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today”
Those are indeed true words


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[TheVTCGuy]

A part of life at my age, is dealing with the loss of parents. You never think the day will come, but it does. I lost my father years ago, but it was a blessing, he had a horrible disease and wanted to go. My stepfather went four years ago, completely unexpected and quick, stood up and was gone (that’s the way if you ask me). Now, my mother is dying. She is 88, diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She is not in pain, and for the most part is doing OK. She lives in a retirement community, has a caregiver and is always chatting with her neighbors. She lives alone (insists on it), and tells me all the time she is ready to go. There are bad days, when she has trouble breathing. It tears me apart to see her like that, but there is nothing I can do. She is happy, and content, and ready to accept her death. I don’t think I am though.

[Ferrari308]

I too can completely relate to this topic. I am in my early 50s and over half of the people I was friends with in HS were gone by 40.

I lost my dad when he was 54. Diagnosed with cancer in June and gone in October. I am 52 now with two young kids still in the house and seriously wonder about the next two years and how they will affect me.


PDG

[m j b]

My condolences Phillip. Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted by MrGoat

Now for another question on top of OP’s, does no one care about dress code at a funeral anymore?

My wife lost her parents over the last 9 months, so I went to two funerals in a small time frame, plus another for a coworker's parent. I noticed that too, even among some of the older folks, it was kind of casual, many didn't bother with suits or dresses.

I don't want to go so far as to call it disrespectful, it's just kind of where America has been heading for a while. It's just getting worse.

[Boopie]

So sorry. Losing friends is very, very tough, especially when it’s sudden and premature. My husband and I have each lost a parent, but they were older and ill for some time, so it was not unexpected. Sad, but not tragic, as they say. The loss still hurts years later, but losing one’s parents is part of the natural course of things. My father in law’s last living childhood friend just died at 92, and we just attended the memorial service. A few years ago we unexpectedly lost a very close friend, at the age of 90. He was predeceased by two of his children, which is an unfathomable loss. Yet, he kept a positive demeanor, and was a joy to everyone who had the pleasure of being with him.

I know many others who are far younger, who have passed prematurely. Not being able to say goodbye is a searing loss.

Everything you said is true. I hope we can positively touch people and enrich others’ lives the way others who are now gone, who had generous spirits, have enriched ours.

[AzPaul]

Sorry for your losses, Phillip.
It's never easy.

[airchitect]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

So sorry to hear this Phillip. It's a void that is very hard to ignore. This October will be the 5th anniversary of my father's passing. Seems like yesterday. I miss him every single day and I pray every night that I have a "sign" that he is around me and the family. Sometimes, I know he is there as there have been many unexplainable situations that clearly point to his watching over us. I am certain, you will have those signs or dreams of your dear friend.

Wade, sorry about your father. I completely understand how you preached to your friends about spending more time with your father....I did the same, and almost five years later, I still give that advice...in fact, for me, it's hearing his voice that I miss the most and I tell all of my friends who may have a parent that is ill, to tape record his/her voice. It is the most beautiful thing to hear their voices, because once they are gone, you will never, ever hear that voice.

I have a voicemail captured when my mom though she had already hung up the phone. That’s all we have. And I have it backed up on 5 different hard drives…


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[airchitect]

Sorry for your loss. Everyday we get older, we gain wisdom and confidence. But we lose health, mobility, etc. Its friggin nuts. For anything, if you can, do it now. My new motto.
Hoping for the best for you, your friend, and their family.


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[Secondhandunwinds]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

So sorry to hear this Phillip. It's a void that is very hard to ignore. This October will be the 5th anniversary of my father's passing. Seems like yesterday. I miss him every single day and I pray every night that I have a "sign" that he is around me and the family. Sometimes, I know he is there as there have been many unexplainable situations that clearly point to his watching over us. I am certain, you will have those signs or dreams of your dear friend.

Wade, sorry about your father. I completely understand how you preached to your friends about spending more time with your father....I did the same, and almost five years later, I still give that advice...in fact, for me, it's hearing his voice that I miss the most and I tell all of my friends who may have a parent that is ill, to tape record his/her voice. It is the most beautiful thing to hear their voices, because once they are gone, you will never, ever hear that voice.

This is good advice. I lost my father 11 years ago this September. He passed from Cancer and was only 55. I have a few recordings with his voice and sometimes it is good to hear his voice.

[1st amg]

Originally Posted by brandrea

This is really good advice Nicholas. I remember to speaking to you shortly after your dad passed and you told me this.

I took your advice and I’ve got a few recordings of my dad and mom with the family and especially the great grandkids.

Brian, this is something I always remember about you…every single time you comment or post something here in TRF it reminds me of that difficult time I was having of my father passing and you reached out to me. Never forgot and I cherish that of you.


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[scarlet knight]

Originally Posted by Moondoggy

does no one care about dress code at a funeral anymore?

Agree 100%, have been watching it deteriorate for years, certainly some cultures it has never been on their radar and maybe it's gaining ground from there.

It’s nice that people showed up.

[Dino944]

My sincere condolences for your loss. I hope that good friends and family will help you get through this difficult time.

Years ago I lost my mother to cancer when I was 35. For the last few months of her life I would stop in every morning on my way to work and bring her, her favorite cappuccino muffin for breakfast (to this day I can't go to that bakery). Then a few years after one of my good college friends had a massive heart attack and died at age 38. He was supposed to come up and visit in a few weeks. I didn't hear anything, then suddenly I was seeing RIP messages on his Facebook page.

Whether you know someone's health is failing, or if their passing is a complete surprise, I found nothing ever truly prepared me for their loss.

I've lost other special people in my life. It is always painful to lose someone who we had a strong relationship with, as there are things we can no longer share with them. Sometimes I wish I could reach out to share a great joke, or an achievement, or sometimes it's because I wish I could benefit from their wisdom and advice.

There has been a lot of great advice from other's here in this thread (I really wish I had recorded my mom's voice). The things I learned from my experience with loss, are I always let people know how I feel about them and how important they are in my life, as things can happen and I might not get another chance to tell them. And I used to always worry about work deadlines, and pushing myself to complete assignments as soon as possible. I still work hard, but I always try to spend as much time with people I care about as possible, because when its my time to go, I know I won't be thinking, "I wish I spent more time I Mr. Smith's spreadsheet."

Oh, and one final suggestion, a lot of people find it helpful to write down their thoughts or feelings about the person, and the loss. It's a way of releasing some of your grief and feelings. Again, my sincere condolences.