Notes form losing a parent/loved one

[TheVTCGuy]

My mother passed very peacefully about a month and a half ago. It was in her living room, with her dog at her side, music playing, water fountain she enjoyed hearing running, wind chimes chiming, and me holding her hand. My father died when I was young, and my stepfather passed about five years ago. I am an only child so my mother and I were very very close. It was… I don’t think there are words, but a lot of you understand. Now.. I am finishing up getting the condo in order, her affairs, and getting prepared for her funeral, November 5th. I am progressing, it sucks, but I am getting though it. I know a lot of you have already experienced this and understand exactly what I am experiencing. I have learned a lot from this, I thought I would pass on a few notes in case anyone else is going through this. Losing a parent or a loved one is a part of life, one that sucks, but a part. The biggest thing I can say is you will get through it, your loved one wants you to.

What I have learned:

1. It is OK NOT to feel OK. If you are having a bad day, not with it or just down after losing a loved one, that IS OK. There is no script to any of this, but it is a stressful time and if you are having a difficult/emotional day, that is part of being human.

2. YOU grieve how YOU feel. Grieving is the most individual of human processes. DON’T let anyone else tell you what you SHOULD be doing, or how to feel better. If you want advice, by all means, ask, follow or not as you see fit, but however YOU grieve is the right way.

3. You are NOT diminishing memories or hurting your passed loved one by getting rid of items and pictures from the past. I had family members, neighbors and friends, all well-intentioned, telling me: “Oh you don’t want to get rid of this…” Items are items. Choose the ones that YOU want to keep, you are not being disrespectful or unloving/caring to your loved one by getting rid of physical items.

4. TREAT YOURSELF WELL. Physically and emotionally harming yourself (not getting enough sleep, not allowing yourself to grieve, not eating etc) is NOT going to bring your loved one back. You have to know your loved one would want you to be taking good care of yourself, abide by their wishes.

5. ASK FOR HELP when you need it. There are some wonderful members here on TRF, some I have never met in person but have enjoyed being in contact and would be honored if they would consider me a friend. When I entered the condo after my mother passed for the first time and there was no mother, no dog, completely quiet, I was having a very very difficult time. I texted a TRF member and he called me. We talked about other TRF members, (made fun of some of you guys ), watches, the weather, and when I wanted to; my mother. Your friends are there for you. When they offer to listen, and it will help, take them up on it.

6. Finally, for me, one of the most difficult times was going through their stuff, you will find so many pictures, items, etc. That trigger memories. Be prepared, it is not going to be easy, but remember point #1 if you feel upset. I was going through her picture albums when I came upon the pic below. I was 2 1/2, and I remember that day; we traveled to a an outdoor church, I was praying with my mother. It will be displayed at her funeral and is a wonderful memory for me.

Thanks to all the TRFers that offered and did help me through this difficult time

[East Bay Rider]

Great thoughts.
Mourning is a deeply personal process.
I agree it's better to keep a few items that trigger strong emotions and memories rather than a garage full of stuff held for sentimental value or sense of duty.

[JTL31]

My sincere condolences Paul! Allow yourself grace and time as needed.

[AzHadEnuf]

Paul my deepest condolences, I did not see that see had passed. Your points on how to navigate though this journey are spot on. I lost my Mom 5 years ago next month and just last night I was in tears. Not necessarily sadness, I just miss her. Leaving this week for 4 days of backpacking in the Grand Canyon which was one of her favorite places to hike. So I don't know when or if the feelings ever stop but like you pointed out, it’s okay. I always enjoyed when you would post about your Mom. It was apparent that you two had a wonderful relationship. God bless and thank you for sharing.

[sickened1]

Originally Posted by TheVTCGuy

5. made fun of some of you guys.

Wait.. what?


But seriously, my condolences Paul. My mom passed away 3 years ago and there isn't a day go by that I don't think about her. You're right about grieving. It is an individual process and we don't all process it the same way.

[MrGoat]

Great points Paul!! Thank you for sharing and opening up a bit. We all know your mother was a big part of your life and I give my sincere condolences again. I hope the service in her honor is as beautiful as you portrayed her to us.

Meanwhile, my mom is in the cardboard box from the crematory on a prominent shelf in my bedrooms living room. She would be laughing hysterically if she knew she would end up in a cardboard box for years but also be happier than anything she was in a place that was near me and my family.

We all grieve differently.

Be well my friend.


Sent from my Apple privacy invasion product

[Yoda_Eating_Pizza]

My condolences, mate. Very true about what you've said about the healing process. I've gone through it twice, and some days are harder than others, but it gets better with time.

[Gobee]

My sincere condoléances. First time browsing in the section and I was surprised to see this note. I’m also an only child and this is the moment i fear the most. I like to think that my mother will always be here but I am realizing that she is getting older. I am glad that you are able to get through this and will remember your wise notes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[rmagoo57]

My condolences Paul on losing your mom. I lost my mom in March - reading your words triggered some fond memories and emotion. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We all know your mom raised a fine son!!

[GradyPhilpott]

You have my sincerest condolences, Paul.

I wish you well in your journey.

[Brenngun]

Be well Paul. There's always a room here for you.

[Boothroyd]

My sincerest sympathies, Paul. The grief is real, and it ebbs and flows for a long, long while.

And do consider that you were fortunate to have her for the time you did. Peace.

[AzPaul]

Thoughtful post Paul, and continued best wishes as you work through it all.
A similar thing is not far off for me, and your #6 really hits home.

[brandrea]

Please accept our sincere condolences Paul. I know your going to be just fine.

Just know that when you need to poke some fun, Chewie is here for you.

[Wcdhtwn]

It is part of life, but a difficult part. My condolences. Grieve how you want, there’s no deadline or date when it needs to be finished. My mom died in 1999 and some times it’s still emotional to think about.

[Toony]

So sorry for your loss. As time passes I’m not saying it get easier but you learn to live with it. All your points are great.


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[BLACKHORSE 6]

Sorry to hear. Condolences. I know how hard it is.

[rmlovett1]

Well said Paul…

[RichM]

My deepest condolences on the loss of your Mother. May she rest in enternal peace.

[harvey]

Paul I’m not good with words but I wish you strength brother…

[RW16610]

I'm very sorry to hear this terrible news, Paul. My sincere condolences.

[kieselguhr]

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. My mother too is getting older in age. Sadly I am guilty of being consumed by life and take her presence for granted.

Thank you for the lesson Paul, may your beloved mother Rest In Peace

[hdrazor251]

Excellent post! My mom passed 12/23/2018 and I agree with everything you said.

My condolences Paul.

[minute_man]

My heartfelt condolences, Paul. You're making some excellent points with which I couldn't agree more.

Oh, and by the the way, should you ever decide to visit the land of your ancestors...your room is ready.

[chieftd]

Very Sorry for your loss. My dad died in June and I certainly understand. Your notes are spot on.

All the best, Tim

[1st amg]

My father just passed the five-year mark on October 1, 2017 since his passing. Not one day goes by without me thinking of him. I mention him most often as well, from lessons I learned from him as a child which pays off dividends now with my own children. Adult life lessons I experience daily seem also to be influenced by him or my parents in general. He taught me to be humble, selfless, sympathetic and to show humility. He lives on forever in me. Paul, you will get through this and the dark days will become fewer in time.

[1William]

I am very sorry for your loss. It is difficult and I have found that while I can cope better with the passing of loved ones as time goes by it is always there with you. It just finds its own place.

[NYC6]

A serious kick in the gut losing one’s parents. My sincere condolences

[G8RDPM]

Deepest condolences, my friend!

[Dan Pierce]

Paul, wishing you strength to get thru these difficult times.

I lost my mom 4 years ago at 88. It was a blessing as she [and the rest of us] battled her Alzheimer's for over a dozen years. Dad is still living independently at almost 92. When he goes I'll be the "old" man in the family.

But the biggest blessing of all was having caring, loving parents who always provided support, a pat on the back, not to mention a swift kick in the a$$, especially when each were desperately needed.
dP