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JohnBaker3 · 5 November 2014, 05:32 AM

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Psmith · 5 November 2014, 06:38 AM

locutus49 · 5 November 2014, 06:40 AM

Some are pretty bad (like the misunderstanding of how evolution works). But some are amusing. #17 is my favorite, although when I was trained (years ago) we read the perp his rights from a card and gave him a card with his rights on them, and had him initial one that we kept.

Hairdude1 · 5 November 2014, 03:57 PM

cop414 · 6 November 2014, 01:19 AM

omegaSMP300 · 6 November 2014, 04:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by db1561

@15 i think it will be naked

I enjoyed this one as well. Very good post. Thanks OP.

Thunderball57 · 6 November 2014, 06:01 AM

LOL, especially at #14.

swatty · 6 November 2014, 08:12 AM

seand442 · 6 November 2014, 02:29 PM

Pretty good. Really makes you think.

Bisquitlips · 6 November 2014, 02:30 PM

malarky_hk · 6 November 2014, 06:53 PM

Dem's der are deep thoughts.

dysondiver · 6 November 2014, 07:56 PM

great post

dualcarb · 8 November 2014, 08:24 PM

Lol...love #29

5 November 2014, 03:57 PM	#4
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6 November 2014, 01:19 AM	#5
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6 November 2014, 02:29 PM	#9
seand442 "TRF" Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Earth Watch: 116610 Posts: 3,455	Pretty good. Really makes you think. __________________ NEVER ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT. FIRST THEY WILL DRAG YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL. THEN, THEY WILL BEAT YOU WITH EXPERIENCE.

6 November 2014, 02:30 PM	#10
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5 November 2014, 05:32 AM	#1
JohnBaker3 2024 Pledge Member Join Date: Feb 2014 Real Name: John Baker III Location: Spring,Texas Watch: 1971 Red Sub Posts: 2,222	Things In Life To Ponder FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? 15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? 34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? __________________ As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing off everyone is a piece of cake.

5 November 2014, 06:38 AM	#2
Psmith "TRF" Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Real Name: Clive Location: Exoplanet Watch: spring-driven Posts: 38,856	__________________

5 November 2014, 06:40 AM	#3
locutus49 Banned Join Date: May 2014 Real Name: John Location: La Jolla, CA Watch: Platona Posts: 12,194	Some are pretty bad (like the misunderstanding of how evolution works). But some are amusing. #17 is my favorite, although when I was trained (years ago) we read the perp his rights from a card and gave him a card with his rights on them, and had him initial one that we kept.

6 November 2014, 06:01 AM	#7
Thunderball57 "TRF" Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Real Name: Greg Location: Seattle Watch: Dad's YG Longines Posts: 625	LOL, especially at #14.

6 November 2014, 08:12 AM	#8
swatty 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Real Name: Peter Location: Sydney Watch: The Game Posts: 17,415

6 November 2014, 06:53 PM	#11
malarky_hk "TRF" Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: ... Watch: Rolex Posts: 4,466	Dem's der are deep thoughts.

6 November 2014, 07:56 PM	#12
dysondiver "TRF" Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Real Name: tom Location: northern ireland Watch: my fins Posts: 10,063	great post

8 November 2014, 08:24 PM	#13
dualcarb "TRF" Member Join Date: May 2013 Real Name: Patrick Location: HK/Malaysia Watch: Lover Posts: 1,223	Lol...love #29

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