The TRF Pre-Marriage Counselor Thread

[Star Ferry]

52 seems a little young to have a 9 year old grandchild...

Since the woman is an empty-nester & the kids will only come by for visits and holidays, I don't see why this is "baggage." Also, what kind of person finds the occasional presence of grandchildren to be a "disturbing thought"?

[Star Ferry]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Speaking of 'grandma', the elderly mother-in-law has now taken to preparing the family dinners on a regular basis. Despite being allocated a somewhat generous grocery allowance, she is a bit on the frugal side and spends very little on the ingredients. A typical dinner consists of white rice + bock choy and some scraps of pork or fish. As a result, Chet is now sneaking off to In & Out, Round Table Pizza or El Pollo Loco immediately following work and prior to joining the 'clan' at dinnertime. Since he doesn't have much of an appetite after getting home, the leftovers are then set aside for the following evening's dinner.

Mrs. BC and I often refer to him as 'dead man walking'.

That is a bizarre dinner menu. Construction workers in China eat better than that, even for lunch

[SearChart]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

52 seems a little young to have a 9 year old grandchild...

Since the woman is an empty-nester & the kids will only come by for visits and holidays, I don't see why this is "baggage." Also, what kind of person finds the occasional presence of grandchildren to be a "disturbing thought"?

If both mother and daughter were 20-21 when they had a child it is entirely possible. It's a good age from a health perspective.

[Vaxe]

Wow shortcut to a free family, sign me up

[Ruud Van Driver]

Taking on a person with kids from a previous relationship is one thing; that's never easy. However, taking on someone with kids AND grandkids? If I was him, I think I'd have run away screaming a long time ago.

[Ruud Van Driver]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

52 seems a little young to have a 9 year old grandchild...

There are some women living in, um, 'challenged' areas in the UK who are grandmothers in their 30s. Unfortunately, I'm not joking.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

That is a bizarre dinner menu. Construction workers in China eat better than that, even for lunch

Being unfamiliar with the various regions and culture of mainland China, could this somewhat mundane dinner preparation be reflective of the in-laws having come from a rural area? Or is it more indicative of being a lousy and unimaginative cook?

[Hooper]

Originally Posted by SG56

Couldn't agree more!! She should run away as fast as she can.



You know, if he hasn't settled down by now, there's probably a good reason for it.

To me he sounds like a selfish piece of sh** who should rot alone surrounded by his bling.

Ouch !

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by Ruud Van Driver

There are some women living in, um, 'challenged' areas in the UK who are grandmothers in their 30s. Unfortunately, I'm not joking.

I had a mate in the Army who had his first kid at 13 and his first grandkid at 28. When I knew him in his late 30's he had 10 kids and 6 grandkids.

[crew]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Open to all opinions and previous life experiences as each one is valid and pertinent to this topic.

An older co-worker (60 years old) is currently contemplating marriage to a divorcee (aged 52). They have been dating for the past 3 years and she is now pressing for a long-term commitment of sorts. The background info: He has never been married while she has two children (from her previous marriage) in their early 30s with grandchildren ranging from 5 to 9 years of age.

His concern is that he does not want to be inundated with various issues from her past and the thought of having to listen to and/or endure her children's problems (along with the grandchildren running around the house disrupting his 'inner peace' during holidays and visitations) is a disturbing thought.

When asked for my opinion, my basic suggestion was to forego this proposed matrimony and perhaps hook-up with someone younger who is bringing less 'baggage' to the table. In essence, start off with a clean slate.

BTW. Outside of some of the folks here, this guy is a real-life WIS with a nice accumulation/collection of watches (i.e. a VC chronograph and a couple of 4-digit Rolexes) + a '57 Speedster and a Mark I Cobra. I suspect that his being a bachelor for all these years afforded him the opportunity to be somewhat self-centered in his recreational pursuits and ambitions. So why gamble and screw things up now?

You lost me at the age slander.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by crew

You lost me at the age slander.

No slander intended as I was referring the person being older than me.

[crew]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

No slander intended as I was referring the person being older than me.

You’re not making this better.

[Star Ferry]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Being unfamiliar with the various regions and culture of mainland China, could this somewhat mundane dinner preparation be reflective of the in-laws having come from a rural area? Or is it more indicative of being a lousy and unimaginative cook?

Assuming your friend did tell this story, he probably exaggerated his plight. If people in China are eating that for dinner, it's due to financial necessity. They wouldn't move to a cushy life in Silicon Valley and continue to eat the same crappy food

[Kyle13]

Yeesh, I’m starting to question my choice of getting married after reading some of this. Lol


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[Hooper]

I believe this thread is nothing but a proverbial rabbit hole

[1William]

I think that it is simple. The friend either loves and cares for the woman enough to make modifications to his established life or he does not. If he does, great, if not, then move on.

[MonBK]

Originally Posted by Hooper

I believe this thread is nothing but a proverbial rabbit hole

And an imaginary one on top of that!

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Abdullah71601

I had a mate in the Army who had his first kid at 13 and his first grandkid at 28. When I knew him in his late 30's he had 10 kids and 6 grandkids.

My head hurts just thinking of that

[Wesley Crusher]

BC, you’re like a real life Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.

[Star Ferry]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

While everyone has their own 'baggage' so to speak, sometimes it can also get a bit out of hand. Further down the south peninsula/Silicon Valley, a former college room-mate got remarried, this time to a woman from Asia/China. At first everything seemed to be going OK but within a year her elderly parents came to visit from the mainland and never returned home. They simply let their visas expire and permanently moved in. Next came a younger sister who had an X-1 work visa at a prominent high-tech company and she also took up lodging in his 4BR/2.5B house. In retrospect, he now realizes that this marriage came with clandestine and ulterior motives (i.e. procuring a green card and permanent housing for relatives). And of course, these potentially disruptive plans were never discussed out in the open prior to the marriage. Barring a second divorce, he is totally screwed.

Having some baggage from the past is one thing but marrying someone with steamer trunks is an entirely different situation.

1) If the wife has a green card, then she can sponsor her immediate relatives for green cards. there's no need for her parents to overstay tourist visas

2) An X-1 is a student visa issued by China to foreigners who want to study in China. If the sister worked for a tech company, she would have come to the US with an H-1B (job requiring special knowledge) or L (company transfer) visa. But with both of her parents already overstaying tourist visas, it's doubtful she would be approved for any US visa

If you want to present a hypothetical situation for the sake of discussion, just be upfront that it's hypothetical. People would still participate -- you don't have to pretend it's real

[tamiya]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

A typical dinner consists of white rice + bock choy and some scraps of pork or fish.

What's wrong with that? That's our usual daily feed - rice with a stirfried veg dish and some meat dish, occasionally a 4th dish if I can be bothered or a clear soup.

10-course Chinese restaurant banquets aren't a daily thing only for special occasions. Asian Streetfood might be yummy but so high in salts & oil IMHO a bucket of KFC is probably healthier.

I can deepfry, sousvide, roast huge lumps of meat, grill/smoke/BBQ, broil or stew as well as any international cook but if SWMBO don't get rice regularly she gets antsy...

[Rockrolex]

Originally Posted by KrismanX

If he can't tolerate her past then, at present, I recommend a separate future.

I have to agree here. I've been married for nearly 50 years (sometimes happily) to the same woman, we raised 2 children and have two beautiful granddaughters. I don't mind the kids bringing us their problems and the grandchildren running around the house, but we've lived with that all this time. If your co-worker can't get with that program, his girlfriend should find someone who can.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

1) If the wife has a green card, then she can sponsor her immediate relatives for green cards. there's no need for her parents to overstay tourist visas

2) An X-1 is a student visa issued by China to foreigners who want to study in China. If the sister worked for a tech company, she would have come to the US with an H-1B (job requiring special knowledge) or L (company transfer) visa. But with both of her parents already overstaying tourist visas, it's doubtful she would be approved for any US visa

If you want to present a hypothetical situation for the sake of discussion, just be upfront that it's hypothetical. People would still participate -- you don't have to pretend it's real

As I am unfamiliar with most of these issues (regional cuisine, immigration protocols etc.), I was conveying the situation/scenario exactly as it was told to me. To have altered (or corrected) the details in any way or form would have made it hypothetical so to speak. As far as U.S. work visas and green cards are concerned, I always thought they were called H1-Bs but I didn't know that someone with a green card could import their entire clan to the United States. Regarding the sister with the U.S. work visa, I understand that she accompanied her parents to the country at the time of their initial arrival.

In any event, there are definitely times when one is truly grateful that the shoe is on someone else's unfortunate foot.

[Ruud Van Driver]

Originally Posted by Abdullah71601

I had a mate in the Army who had his first kid at 13 and his first grandkid at 28. When I knew him in his late 30's he had 10 kids and 6 grandkids.

He should have bought a tv and a PlayStation

[FTX I]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

there are definitely times when one is truly grateful that the shoe is on someone else's unfortunate foot.

Well said.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

A typical dinner consists of white rice + bock choy and some scraps of pork or fish.

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

That is a bizarre dinner menu. Construction workers in China eat better than that, even for lunch

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

Assuming your friend did tell this story, he probably exaggerated his plight. If people in China are eating that for dinner, it's due to financial necessity. They wouldn't move to a cushy life in Silicon Valley and continue to eat the same crappy food

Originally Posted by tamiya

What's wrong with that? That's our usual daily feed - rice with a stirfried veg dish and some meat dish, occasionally a 4th dish if I can be bothered or a clear soup.

Wondering if this culturally-inspired dinner/menu scenario is more attributable to frugality or a continuing effort towards maintaining a healthier lifestyle?

The irony is that in order to avoid this somewhat boring dining experience, Chet has been frequently hitting the local fast food joints prior to joining the family for dinner and in essence, eating somewhat unhealthy on his own accord.

[Wcdhtwn]

He tells her he wants to stay together but not get married. If she walks then there's the answer.

[locutus49]

Or one of those inflatable dolls. No kids to worry about, although you have to order delivery all the time as inflatable dolls don't cook. At least not yet.

Originally Posted by Ruud Van Driver

He should have bought a tv and a PlayStation

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by Wcdhtwn

He tells her he wants to stay together but not get married. If she walks then there's the answer.

Mrs. BC and I have known a few couples who have been together for awhile (15 to 20 years+) without ever having gotten married and they are still going strong. On the other hand, we have also seen several couples split-up after 8-10 years (or less) of marriage despite exchanging lofty (and oftentimes unrealistic) commitment vows at the alter. Maybe this whole paper certificate/wedding ceremony tradition is an overrated and/or over-commercialized hype as there's big money to be made on the part of professional wedding planners, formal outfitters and dining/entertainment venues.

[bdex75]

She should run and he should not follow. Way to different that this point. He needs a 25 year old single gal that likes watches and his cars.


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