Notes form losing a parent/loved one

[TheVTCGuy]

My mother passed very peacefully about a month and a half ago. It was in her living room, with her dog at her side, music playing, water fountain she enjoyed hearing running, wind chimes chiming, and me holding her hand. My father died when I was young, and my stepfather passed about five years ago. I am an only child so my mother and I were very very close. It was… I don’t think there are words, but a lot of you understand. Now.. I am finishing up getting the condo in order, her affairs, and getting prepared for her funeral, November 5th. I am progressing, it sucks, but I am getting though it. I know a lot of you have already experienced this and understand exactly what I am experiencing. I have learned a lot from this, I thought I would pass on a few notes in case anyone else is going through this. Losing a parent or a loved one is a part of life, one that sucks, but a part. The biggest thing I can say is you will get through it, your loved one wants you to.

What I have learned:

1. It is OK NOT to feel OK. If you are having a bad day, not with it or just down after losing a loved one, that IS OK. There is no script to any of this, but it is a stressful time and if you are having a difficult/emotional day, that is part of being human.

2. YOU grieve how YOU feel. Grieving is the most individual of human processes. DON’T let anyone else tell you what you SHOULD be doing, or how to feel better. If you want advice, by all means, ask, follow or not as you see fit, but however YOU grieve is the right way.

3. You are NOT diminishing memories or hurting your passed loved one by getting rid of items and pictures from the past. I had family members, neighbors and friends, all well-intentioned, telling me: “Oh you don’t want to get rid of this…” Items are items. Choose the ones that YOU want to keep, you are not being disrespectful or unloving/caring to your loved one by getting rid of physical items.

4. TREAT YOURSELF WELL. Physically and emotionally harming yourself (not getting enough sleep, not allowing yourself to grieve, not eating etc) is NOT going to bring your loved one back. You have to know your loved one would want you to be taking good care of yourself, abide by their wishes.

5. ASK FOR HELP when you need it. There are some wonderful members here on TRF, some I have never met in person but have enjoyed being in contact and would be honored if they would consider me a friend. When I entered the condo after my mother passed for the first time and there was no mother, no dog, completely quiet, I was having a very very difficult time. I texted a TRF member and he called me. We talked about other TRF members, (made fun of some of you guys ), watches, the weather, and when I wanted to; my mother. Your friends are there for you. When they offer to listen, and it will help, take them up on it.

6. Finally, for me, one of the most difficult times was going through their stuff, you will find so many pictures, items, etc. That trigger memories. Be prepared, it is not going to be easy, but remember point #1 if you feel upset. I was going through her picture albums when I came upon the pic below. I was 2 1/2, and I remember that day; we traveled to a an outdoor church, I was praying with my mother. It will be displayed at her funeral and is a wonderful memory for me.

Thanks to all the TRFers that offered and did help me through this difficult time