These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.

[idk01]

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango
sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08


Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03


Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
pints, cigs, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street
at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .


Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41


Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more
Box 84/87


Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we
bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box 12/32


Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include
cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45


Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big
chest. Box 40/27


Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs
in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07


Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41


Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm