can anyone explain a mid life crisis

[TswaneNguni]

Originally Posted by JasoninDenver

I am 44 with two kids under 4 years of age. I don't have the time for a mid-life crisis, but I feel all of the pressures and demands on me increasing day by day.

Most of these pressures are self imposed as I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful wife who only wants me to be happy. However, I still want to feel like I am living a life that is inherently consistent with who I am as a person. I want to be a good role model to my kids and I realize that involves more than working myself to death or making as much money as possible at all costs.

As an attorney that does a good amount of divorce work, I see a common thread in many failing relationships in this stage in life. Simply put, the man had never had the time or freedom to follow his true desires in life. Many of my male clients got married early and started having children right away. they often became the sole breadwinner of the family as the children demanded so much of their wife's focus. Then, as career goals were not met or were met and found to be not as fulfilling as anticipated, they wondered why they were trying so hard to maintain a lifestyle that was so unrewarding.

I have had dozens of clients who were extremely successful in their careers and lives by all outside measurements. Yet, so many were miserable and wished they could just do their lives over again.

The marriages that make it at that point are the ones where the couple can work together to find a solution. The wife goes back to work if she has been a stay at home mom or they agree to a radical lifestyle change to accommodate a lower level of stress or shifting life goals.

The ones that fail are the ones where: (1) one or the other (or both) digs in and refuses to accept any change, (2) one party starts acting in a destructive fashion (girlfriends, etc...), or (3) the marriage was never very good to begin with.

One poor guy I dealt with went through this at about my current age after working in a career that was so stressful that it was negatively impacting his health. He wanted to find another job (which would have paid substantially less) and asked his spouse to go back to work since the kids had started school. Her response was "No - and if you feel your job will kill you, you better get more life insurance." Real love there. After his divorce, he is now very happily single.

I think that attempting to make some changes at this stage of your life is a normal and healthy process provided that these changes are respectful to your family members and not unrealistic "pie in the sky" dreams (like me becoming a professional bike racer).

I effectively went through a mini mid life crisis at 32 after dealing with a bout of cancer. I made a conscious decision to not work as hard and be happy making less money than I know I could. I ran a law practice in Durango, Colorado at the time and was able to effectively front-end load my retirement time. I spent the next three years biking, skiing
and traveling at every opportunity. Now I look back on those years for strength when the kids screaming gets to be a little hard to take.

Excellent post