inlaw trials and tribulations

[bdex75]

Wow. This sounds EXACTLY like my home situation a few years ago with the MIL. We lived about 20 minutes away. She inherited several million dollars and had been given near that while her parents were still alive. Fast forward 5 years and her house is foreclosed on, she has a $200,000 federal tax lien, stole a car and sold it and owes every family member money. Us included, to the tune of $15,000. That she asked for in cash and came and picked up in the wee hours of the morning after asking us to leave it in the garage.

She finally gets evicted from her house and has no where to go. We offered her our basement to crash in for a while. It was a nicely finished space with its own bathroom and a pull out couch in the family room part.
Only rule was she could not bring her dogs. We had 2 large dogs that did not tolerate her out of control yappy hellion miniature poodles who peed and pooped all over her house. She thought it was cute. She takes them to our vet to board them and proceeds to crash in my basement for 3 weeks with no plan.

Last straw for me was when I came home from work after a week of being on the road to find her floating in my pool with a drink reading a book.

My wife had grown tired of her constant lying and games and taking money.

That night we confronted her about money and a plan going forward. She became irritated and yelled that she would be gone in 2 days and stormed off. (Well to the basement anyhow.).

She left on Monday, never said goodbye to my kids and we have not seen her since. She stayed with friends for a couple weeks. Our vet called and said that she stopped calling and we informed them of the situation. They demanded partial payment to keep the dogs or full payment to pick them up. She had. O money and did neither. The dogs ended up at the local animal shelter where she went it to try to adopt them for $50 rather than pay the vet bills. She eventually borrowed the money from somewhere to get them back.

Fast forward a month or so and we tracked down the local bank that foreclosed on her house. We begged for them to let us in before they threw everything out as my wife's stuff from when she was a kid was still in the basement and they obliged. It broke my wife's heart to walk in as there will still pictures of my kids all over the walls and their toys were in the baskets in the closet. The bank people helped us load up a truck and trailer with personal belongings.

When we got to the garage we found a very nice crystal award from the local riverboat casino thanking her for being a platinum member along with stacks and stacks of 1099-g receipts. Hundreds of thousands of dollars worth. And if you won that much playing slot machines how much did you lose?? But that explained the tax lien. But she "doesn't have a gambling problem" according to her.

Bottom line is people that fail to face reality and admit that they have issues react the exact same way. Get mad, storm and stomp off and blame everyone else for their problems.

Ours moved to South Dakota, then Wyoming and now Phoenix. Keeps running from her problems she won't admit she has. And we haven't seen her since. And everyone in our house is much better for it.

Good luck to you and I hope they come to their senses and take the help that is offered.


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[1970RolesSub]

I am a big advocate of the "tough love" approach. But Bigblu already brought that up.

[Maybelline]

This is a great thread.

I have a dead beat brother in law that is my wife's brother and their mom worships the ground he walks on. He's 45 divorced has zero dollars saved and his mommy just bought him a Cadillac. He works three days a week as a bartender at a local bowling alley.

He can't have too much stress. He's already had a heart attack. He literally sits on the couch and watches tv all day and night. And get this his mom lives in her own basement while the prince stays upstairs.

Well last June my wife had everyone from her side over for Father's Day including my dad. Her brother walks in late as usual and demands my wife make him a drink. Strike one.

Then he goes outside and plops himself down while everyone serves him. After about 4 hours of this he gets up and just leaves with his dad to go out for some more drinks and oysters. He left a huge mess for my wife to clean up of all his empties and trash. I told my wife not to touch the mess so of course mommy cleans up after the prince. Strike 2

On his way out he tells me I don't need to come with them unless I'm bringing my wallet. Strike 3. You're out.

I just lost it. I absolutely exploded on him so of course his mommy came to his defense and I absolutely exploded on her. It got real ugly with me leaving my own house and heading to my other primary residence alone.

When my bro in law got home from his drinking he was trashed. He then went off on my wife when I wasn't there to protect her and my wife from what she told me stood her ground well.

Best part about this whole mess is I haven't seen nor heard from them since. An absolute blessing and proof that there is a god. I pray I never see them again or I may obliterate my bro in law.

The end.

[Kyle13]

Originally Posted by Maybelline

This is a great thread.

I have a dead beat brother in law that is my wife's brother and their mom worships the ground he walks on. He's 45 divorced has zero dollars saved and his mommy just bought him a Cadillac. He works three days a week as a bartender at a local bowling alley.

He can't have too much stress. He's already had a heart attack. He literally sits on the couch and watches tv all day and night. And get this his mom lives in her own basement while the prince stays upstairs.

Well last June my wife had everyone from her side over for Father's Day including my dad. Her brother walks in late as usual and demands my wife make him a drink. Strike one.

Then he goes outside and plops himself down while everyone serves him. After about 4 hours of this he gets up and just leaves with his dad to go out for some more drinks and oysters. He left a huge mess for my wife to clean up of all his empties and trash. I told my wife not to touch the mess so of course mommy cleans up after the prince. Strike 2

On his way out he tells me I don't need to come with them unless I'm bringing my wallet. Strike 3. You're out.

I just lost it. I absolutely exploded on him so of course his mommy came to his defense and I absolutely exploded on her. It got real ugly with me leaving my own house and heading to my other primary residence alone.

When my bro in law got home from his drinking he was trashed. He then went off on my wife when I wasn't there to protect her and my wife from what she told me stood her ground well.

Best part about this whole mess is I haven't seen nor heard from them since. An absolute blessing and proof that there is a god. I pray I never see them again or I may obliterate my bro in law.

The end.

I wouldnt ever leave my own house, Id make them leave asap.

[blassy]

I find in these situations that bringing things up tends to cause a blowout. People generally hate having a mirror thrown in front of them. I've said - I lost both my parents and my brother so have no family left. I'm the one that's gone above and beyond for years because of this but at some point enough is enough.
My guess is they spend most of their fixed income managing a ton of unsecured debt and have no long term plans. While debt may not follow both of them to the beyond, it will certainly follow the surviving one at some point and it will come to a huge head.
Their will consists of all 4 siblings splitting everything equally (that's funny) and specifying what kind of tree they would like their ashes to be planted under. Nothing in between including the costs which I am sadly aware of.
Best to let them brew a while and at some point they will apologize to my wife but only for the sake of peace....not because they think they did anything wrong.
I've explained to them and my wife something my dad told me long ago.
Life is about choices, and living with those choices and everything that comes with them,
My dad's father died when my dad was 8 - he was one of 5 children. He was told to leave and shipped across the country on a train by himself when his mom answered an ad in a paper looking for hired help. He lived in the barn for 2 years as he wasn't allowed in the house. He has always been my hero and always will be and he taught me valuable life lessons. I've tried to live to those expectations my entire life. The most important thing in his entire world were his kids and he worked his entire life so that we would have a better one than he did - and he succeeded beyond anyone's expectations.
At this point I see every penny I give them as a penny my kids won't get and at some point I had just had enough.....rant over.

[Maybelline]

Originally Posted by Kyle13

I wouldnt ever leave my own house, Id make them leave asap.

It's better than me going to jail for assault. And it was better for my marriage which is very important to me but I totally get what you are saying to me.

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by Maybelline

It's better than me going to jail for assault. And it was better for my marriage which is very important to me but I totally get what you are saying to me.

Better to leave while you're just mad. Stay, and things will just go crazy wrong. You made the right call. I've made the same decision once or twice myself.

[Maybelline]

Originally Posted by Abdullah71601

Better to leave while you're just mad. Stay, and things will just go crazy wrong. You made the right call. I've made the same decision once or twice myself.

I'm not a small man so this is a no win situation for me. By my leaving and taking the high road it really opened up my wife's eyes as far as her brother is concerned. She is talking to her mom but has not talked to her brother since. If they do come back into my life for my wife's sake I will act civil but I will not be friendly ever again.

[cab56]

OP, for what it's worth, here's a short version of my related experiences. In brief, my situations had a husband-wife dynamic, a wife-relative dynamic, and a husband-relative dynamic. A simple "tough love" for the husband-relative dynamic wasn't adequate.

I've been through similar situations in two marriages: the first time, a manipulative mother-in-law, and the second time, two manipulative daughter-in-laws.

My early reaction was to be a knight-in-shining-armor and help. The next reaction was to feel used. The following reaction was to feel trapped. If I said no, my wife (wives) would send the money anyway (even our grocery money) and we would eventually have a fight about the missing money.

In my first marriage, this led to divorce (there were multiple issues but large amounts of money disappearing was the biggest issue).

In my second marriage, this led to counseling. The starting topic for counseling was that "disputes about supporting my wife's adult daughters are the only stress in our marriage but the disputes are a big stress."

My wife listened to the counselor's words about being manipulated but she wasn't ready to change her behavior. She felt a mom "always" took care of her children.

The counseling revealed that my wife was afraid that her daughters would end up homeless. I came up with an approach that if the girls needed a place, we would offer the basement [which they would only accept as a last resort] and if they needed food, we would add money to a grocery gift card, but we would never send cash. This basically cut off the cash for partying.

It was an imperfect approach and my wife would still send secret cash, but not as much and not as often. Once the cash was mostly cut off, the girls rarely called and showed signs of indifference such as not calling on their mother's birthday.

After a particularly selfish display at Christmas by one daughter, my wife finally realized that the daughters didn't really care for her but were manipulating her.

She stopped saying yes to their requests for money and she passed the buck to me to say no (and she avoided a direct confrontation).

They actually did live in the basement at different times when they had no job, no money, and no place to stay. We supplied food, but no cash.

Today, both girls are supporting themselves and both have positive, non-manipulative relations with their mother.

It took about eight years but the end result is fine. I'm on speaking terms with the girls (although we are not close). Best of all, I'm still married and my wife and I broke the cycle of mutual resentment that was building before we started counseling.

Good luck to you.

[cop414]

Wow, some of these stories brings back memories of when I was dispatched to domestic situations, super high stress levels when these bubble over.

[blassy]

So wanted to add to the continuing saga that is my inlaws based on the events of last night.
We haven't heard from them much but we make the effort to call and check in regularly.
Wife called her mom last night. Remember - they live 3000 miles away. Her mom visited last year but haven't seen her dad in over 2 years. Again - we offered to pay for their visit this past Thanksgiving but when it came with calling them out on only asking us for money when they have other siblings, they got their nose out of joints and cancelled the visit.
Anywhoooooo
Talking to her mom last night and she says....well I leave tomorrow for a conference in Toronto....that's an hour away from us. I wasn't going to say anything because I'll only be there a week and busy plus my friend if flying in to see me.
They've seen their grandkids 3 times in 4 years and she didn't bother to even invite my wife to come see her with the kids which she would have gladly done.
Needless to say I don't think I'll even be able to force a smile on my face when and if I see them again.
Odd....just odd.

[Dr.Brian]

Sounds like you’re supporting their living above their means.
That’s their problem, not yours.
I’d consider going with, “Oh well, maybe next time.”

[dddrees]

Happy wife, happy life. So what exactly again did your wife say? Sounds like your the main problem. I would never have let it get to this point.

[Ripcode]

I feel for your blassy. Family issues.... Ugh!

[EliteJ]

blassy, this sounds like my in laws too! I can not figure out how people can be that way but I am not going to waist anymore time trying. So you live a hour away from Toronto eh! I am in Guelph.

[GB-man]

Continue to put your immediate family first and be glad they don’t live 30 miles away instead of 3000. From the sound of it, the less you see them the better.

[Seibei]

Say no.

The thing is that sooner or later they might really need your help, for something like medical expenses. You may have no choice but to help them then. For a plane ticket? Hell no.

[austinp]

I think i would just plan on giving them 2 round trip tickets a year and call it a day. Think of it as a gift to your wife and kids to see their Grandparents and Parents. Family relationships are not easy sometimes. Take the high road, its always the better path.

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