An open letter

[Ashley]

I decided that I was going to write something very personal and very honest, because I needed to get it all off of my chest. I know that there are no paragraphs when there probably should be, but it is a rambling of emotion and thoughts, so it's actually supposed to formatted like this
Please feel free to write your own!!

Ashley

"You know, one of these days, I would like to go a full day without looking in a mirror once. I would like one full day of not worrying if I can still feel my hip bones close to my skin. I would like to not constantly scrutinize each and every inch of my body, and constantly tell myself that each inch is not good enough. I would like to go a day without looking at every female that crosses my path and thinking “I wish I had her legs” or “I’ll never have a stomach like that” or “I will never be pretty like her.” I would like to shop for clothing and not worry that the number on the tag of my jeans is too high. I would like to go out with friends and not worry that I am the largest girl in the group. I would like to not worry incessantly about the size of my thighs, or the width of my arms. I would like to be confident enough to wear tank tops without worrying about the fact that I am too big to be wearing something that shows my arms off. I would like to go a day at work without constantly moving my legs in futile hope of burning off a few extra calories. I would like to have a day where I don’t berate myself for not spending an additional two hours at the gym. I would like to go a workday without stressing that I did not perform ten “dips” for each passport photo that I took. I would like to have the capacity to accept a compliment without refuting it. I would like to have the guts to tell myself that I’m beautiful. I would like to go a day without running a hand up my torso and worrying that my ribs have disappeared. I would like to not worry about what I eat for one day. I would like to eat something without the fear of how many calories it is, how it will go straight to my thighs, how I have no willpower and how I am a bad person for eating it. I would like to spend a day not thinking about numbers, clothing sizes, calories in calories out, weight, numbers numbers numbers. I would like to spend a day not worrying whether or not I look ridiculous in the clothing I chose. I would like to not wonder even once what people think of me based on how I look. I would like, for a full day, to just be happy with myself completely.

Yes, every time I pass by a mirror or any other reflective object, I do stop and look at myself. But please know that it is not out of vanity. It is to make sure that I haven’t suddenly gained the fifty pounds that I am constantly concerned about, the phantom weight I feel but am told is not there. I am checking to see that I still exist, because so many times I wish that the body that I have would fall away, the husk being stripped and just having the core of myself left over. I look to make sure that my face hasn’t bloated beyond recognition like I relentlessly agonize about. I am hoping that if perhaps I look fast enough, I’ll see what everyone else says that they see instead of the warped image I do."