Marriage: how often are there arguments?

[Clockmeister]

These questions are based on marriages that are approximately 10 +
years.

Are most marriages when both are best friends?
How often are there arguments, and/or resentments?
How often do you think about divorcing?
How many people you know seem to have a healthy relationship?
How many are glad or regret getting divorced?
How many re-marry or have a relationship?

Any comments are appreciated.
Thank You

[330ci]

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

[Beo3]

Let me be the first to reply.

My wife and I have been married 27 years and dated for about three before then. I was 27, and she 24 when we married.

I am very happy in my marriage, and yes, there are times where she wants to smother me with a pillow, but it passes fairly quickly.

We very seldom argue, but when the kids were young we fought all the time. I am a disciplinarian, while she was more maternal and let the kids slide more often than not. They have all grow up to be outstanding citizens and all have a stupendous work ethic. I would like to be believe that sprung out of not spoiling them rotten and forcing them to all work as soon as they were eligible too.

The topic of divorce has never come into our relationship, possibly because I wouldn't want to give her half (lol) and that we love each other too much.

I think the key is to be equally fair to one another and not criticize the tiny mistakes. Yes, relationships are difficult, but so is every other aspect of life.

I do have friends, who will be over in two hours for cocktails, who are prime candidates for divorce. They hate each other, and he is terribly abusive to her. Not physically, but mentally. Why they haven't separated is beyond me.

Overall, the majority of my friends are happily married and intend to stay that way.

Finally, my wife allows me to continue this insane habit of horology, but she to benefits with a new watch every year or so.

[Clockmeister]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

Seems you might be a therapist. Logical and wise recommendations.
We’ve been married for 30 years. Even the day we married we had an argument and reluctantly didn’t even want to go to dinner.

I’m laid back, she is domineering and yells. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has her a ESTJ. I’m a ISFJ. Enneagram, she is an 8, I’m a 6.
It’s not easy at all and many times draining.

Finance wise, we would both take a big hit.

[Dan Pierce]

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

[BNA/LION]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet...

This is very good advice! 100% agree with this full post.

[Star Ferry]

In my experience, disagreements are inevitable but “fights” are miserable. If a woman wants to fight I’ll show her to the door promptly. No interest in that.

[Mifune]

Power struggles are the spice of life...

[Clockmeister]

In two psychologists opinion, people really don’t change. We are born with a core personality which doesn’t change.

In terms of marriage or a long term relationship, I would think how a couple gets along is paramount.

Jordan Peterson believes a divorce in their 50’s and older usually results in an unhappy person. And states in one of his YouTubes that during a healthy marriage one will become a better arguer which is positive.

[AzPaul]

John Cleese played a marriage counselor on an old episode of 'Cheers', and his character had a line that really stuck with me.

"The only thing that opposites attract is divorce."

[Clockmeister]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

John Cleese played a marriage counselor on an old episode of 'Cheers', and his character had a line that really stuck with me.

"The only thing that opposites attract is divorce."

Interesting.

[mountainjogger]

Originally Posted by Clockmeister

Seems you might be a therapist. Logical and wise recommendations.
We’ve been married for 30 years. Even the day we married we had an argument and reluctantly didn’t even want to go to dinner.

I’m laid back, she is domineering and yells. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has her a ESTJ. I’m a ISFJ. Enneagram, she is an 8, I’m a 6.
It’s not easy at all and many times draining.

Finance wise, we would both take a big hit.

See if she will agree to professional counseling. You have noting to loose and much to gain. Good luck to both of you.

[mountainjogger]

Sorry, meant counseling for both of you as a couple.

[singe89]

Married 10 years in March but been together almost 23 years. High school sweethearts.

Can’t say there are any true arguments or resentments. We disagree all the time but as best friends we try to understand where the other person is coming from. Actually still working from home coming up on 3 years now after selling my company so around her and the kids constantly too.

Never thought of divorcing, actually the opposite now that our kids are 8,7 and 3 on how to start spending more time traveling the world together again. Hard to travel with young kids.

Everyone of my close friends is from HS as well, got married before us and still together. Had some business friends and partners get divorced but most seemed to be for financial and/or selfish reasons.

We are all late 30s or turning 40 though so things might change in the next decade plus.

[OYptL]

Ask 50 people and you’ll get 50 different answers.

[Chewbacca]

I would inverse the question.

[77T]

Arguments are weaponized discussions among the selfish. Each person must work on their own form of generosity and altruism, because we are born selfish.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Sperry]

Marriage: how often are there arguments?

Depends which party you ask.

[EagleBear]

A wise Tribal elder/advisor more of a Spiritual Advisory really shared with me when I was young and trying to find my place in this path of life that there are two types of two legged in this place, ones that inspire you and ones that drain you.
We should do our best to surround ourselves with the ones that inspire us so we can inspire others. 30 yrs of marriage is no small accomplishment you should be proud of that I know it’s easier said than done but hey look on the bright side if you fight everyday make up sex is amazing I hear…
All kidding aside life is to short to be unhappy we are born with a certain amount of breath and should use it wisely. Good luck

[Moondoggy]

Originally Posted by bna/lion

this is very good advice! 100% agree with this full post.

+1.

[minute_man]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

Excellent post and advice.

OP, if you've made it this far, it can't have been all wrong.

[airchitect]

My wife and I have been together for 15, married 13. She is awesome and I count my blessings for marrying her. Our personalities work well together and we’ve probably only been in a handful of real arguments in the 15. I love and lust her like nothing else.

That said, I realize we are in the minority, and if anything ever happened to her I’d never get remarried. Frankly it’s too much of a crapshoot. Unless you get very lucky, like I and some of you, you’re effectively signing up to give away half of your assets now and in the future. That whole system and the courts are setup to collect and distribute assets, alimony, and child support while taking a cut off the top. It’s not in a man’s favor, that’s for sure.

So OP, think long and hard about your options and the implications of each one. If this is purely an ongoing personality conflict then you may be best to agree to stay together but have other lives…. I don’t know. Regardless, we are all internet idiots you prob shouldn’t listen too but the point is, there are usually options to keep a marriage intact and the participants happy…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[joli160]

I stayed too long in a marriage for the kids. It made a mess of my life but I learned to walk if it doesn’t work. I do that now with relations, jobs, friends and buying watches. Life is simply too short

[Jocke]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

How was the other 30?

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

Dan you make me smile.

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by OYptL

Ask 50 people and you’ll get 50 different answers.

This is exactly right

Successful marriage is more about what you give than what you get IMO.

When both partners receive what they need from one another, you’ve found Nirvana

[enjoythemusic]

Originally Posted by Clockmeister

Are most marriages when both are best friends?

Dunno. Never conducted a survery.

How often are there arguments, and/or resentments?

Never.

How often do you think about divorcing?

Huh, what??? We're both soooooo very grateful and happy we found one another.

How many people you know seem to have a healthy relationship?

Well, my mom and dad for one. My neighbors, well at least the ones to our right and left.

How many are glad or regret getting divorced?

My previous life partner, her and i separated on very good terms. All good.

How many re-marry or have a relationship?

Not sure how many, yet add me to the list (second life partner), yet my Muse is my first wife (legally speaking).

Any comments are appreciated.

n.jpg

[GB-man]

[Chester01]

These questions have been investigated and would refer you to readings by John Gottman and his colleagues. Likewise Andrew Christensen and colleagues have some good reads. Both authors will offer the data you are looking for and help start to think about the broader question you are alluding to. Best of luck to you.

[Dan Pierce]

Originally Posted by Jocke

How was the other 30?

We're still working on that part, my friend. You met her, you know what I have to deal with!

Originally Posted by brandrea

Dan you make me smile.

Brian, you know I'm one of the lucky ones who's in it for the long hall and blessed with a wife that would put up with a PITA like me. My parents were married 67 years by the time my mom died. Along w/ my wonderful in-laws, they set a high bar.

I constantly remind my wife when I paraphrase the lyrics to Keith Richard's Before They Make Me Run, you're gonna find your way to heaven cause you did your time in hell.
dP