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rolio · 15 February 2014, 05:21 AM

I have a buddy and he and his wife are talking divorce. It's pretty much a done deal, I think. Problem is, they are both my friends. They both come to me for advise...don't know what to say or do. I retreat when I can, and as of now, have not dispensed any advise, comments, or opinions, for fear of losing their friendship. Neither one can see beyond their own anger, I do know that. If I had more space, I would spell some of it out.

dysondiver · 15 February 2014, 05:30 AM

least said ,,,,, soonest mended.

Lion · 15 February 2014, 05:36 AM

I have been in your position many times during my years and if I may give you advice?

Make it clear to both friends that you have chosen to be friends with both individuals whether they separate and go their own way or stay together and work their issues out. So you are not in a position to give out advice or take sides in their affairs. Most people are reasonable and they will understand and will want to continue to be friends with you. But be prepared to lose one of them or both as friends because this will never be a "Win-Win" situation for all parties involved.....

It's never an easy situation to be in but stick to your position and be honest with both of them. I believe once they both have an opportunity to calm down and think more rationally they will respect you for your right to stay out of their personal affairs!!!

Good luck.....Leo

jjnd08 · 15 February 2014, 05:44 AM

Stay neutral in this. I have been there before with couples, and I have also been there myself as part of a broken engagement.

In my own experiences, ultimately, only one of them will remain as a person you spend your time with. Just let it work itself out.

wantonebad · 15 February 2014, 05:54 AM

It's a no win situation for you, explain that to them and ask them not to put you in the middle. They may ignore your request but they will eventually get it, hopefully before it's too late. If not then you have your answer for what went wrong...

Divorce is tough on everyone, not just the immediate family. Chin up!

Brenngun · 15 February 2014, 05:55 AM

Been there as well. It's possible to keep both friends if that's what you would like. If so my only advice is while they're going through this become the best listener who has no specific opinion. Not even a "yeah I agree" or "that's what I would do" comment. Memorize the following: "I don't know, I've never experienced that before, I have no clue, you got to figure it out". Apply to all advice solicitations from either party about the other. Mega Switzerland!

cop414 · 15 February 2014, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lion

I have been in your position many times during my years and if I may give you advice?

Make it clear to both friends that you have chosen to be friends with both individuals whether they separate and go their own way or stay together and work their issues out. So you are not in a position to give out advice or take sides in their affairs. Most people are reasonable and they will understand and will want to continue to be friends with you. But be prepared to lose one of them or both as friends because this will never be a "Win-Win" situation for all parties involved.....

It's never an easy situation to be in but stick to your position and be honest with both of them. I believe once they both have an opportunity to calm down and think more rationally they will respect you for your right to stay out of their personal affairs!!!

Good luck.....Leo

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brenngun

Been there as well. It's possible to keep both friends if that's what you would like. If so my only advice is while they're going through this become the best listener who has no specific opinion. Not even a "yeah I agree" or "that's what I would do" comment. Memorize the following: "I don't know, I've never experienced that before, I have no clue, you got to figure it out". Apply to all advice solicitations from either party about the other. Mega Switzerland!

Excellent advice above, not easy, but excellent none the less... Good luck.

joseluu · 15 February 2014, 06:55 AM

Only advice I would give, to both, is: hire lawyers and let them do the fighting.

Lisa · 15 February 2014, 07:10 AM

I've been in similar situations, too - and what usually ends up happening is that I side with the woman and my husband sides with the guy, and that creates tension between my husband and me! It's not good for anybody... as has been said, trying to stay neutral but supportive is the way to go, but it also wouldn't hurt to let them know that you would rather stay out of things.

seand442 · 15 February 2014, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brenngun

Been there as well. It's possible to keep both friends if that's what you would like. If so my only advice is while they're going through this become the best listener who has no specific opinion. Not even a "yeah I agree" or "that's what I would do" comment. Memorize the following: "I don't know, I've never experienced that before, I have no clue, you got to figure it out". Apply to all advice solicitations from either party about the other. Mega Switzerland!

Beat me to it. Dress up like the Swiss Miss girl to make the point if you have to. I've been there before and eventually one fell out with everybody, which coincidentally was the cause of the divorce in the first place. Switzerland, It's not just for watches....

Dr. Robert · 15 February 2014, 10:42 AM

Just don't tell them to use my divorce lawyer, better get the lawyer my ex wife used!

SUBversive · 15 February 2014, 11:11 AM

Tough situation good luck

bungcarlo · 15 February 2014, 11:39 AM

If it's a done deal, then there's no point in giving advises. Get it over with and move on with their lives. Btw, are you a divorce lawyer?

Welshwatchman · 15 February 2014, 11:53 AM

Don't add any energy into an already heated situation and once finalised, side with the party that didn't cheat.

.... or if that doesn't apply, remain friends with the one that you befriended first.

Should that not apply also, dump them both and buy another Rolex.

cop414 · 15 February 2014, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Robert

Just don't tell them to use my divorce lawyer, better get the lawyer my ex wife used!

Ouch...

I remember my ex telling me as we were going through our divorce that she thought my attorney was a "shark", well... ah... yep. You get what you pay for.

lavaman · 15 February 2014, 11:58 AM

as a divorce lawyer I can tell you that being the "friend" to both can only be an invitation to a knife fight in a phone booth.

just let them sort it out. good advice in this thread.

AbsolutelyROLEX! · 15 February 2014, 12:05 PM

neutral and stay out

kilyung · 15 February 2014, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Welshwatchman

Don't add any energy into an already heated situation and once finalised, side with the party that didn't cheat.

.... or if that doesn't apply, remain friends with the one that you befriended first.

Should that not apply also, dump them both and buy another Rolex.

I like this best.

BarkMaster · 15 February 2014, 03:17 PM

When I was a young man, I got into this very situation. Long story short, they remained married and neither are my friend.

Follow the advice here and say as little as possible regardless of your wanting to help.

DCgator · 15 February 2014, 04:01 PM

Stay as neutral as possible.

Andad · 15 February 2014, 05:57 PM

All good advice Ray.

Its a difficult situation to be in.

Challenger Deep · 15 February 2014, 07:55 PM

I would tell the both straight up that both are friends and they will remain such. More importantly if you are uncomfortable then i would tell them both respectfully that it is hard for you and you would ask them to stop.

Good luck.

77T · 15 February 2014, 08:13 PM

IMHO, you will know if they are true friends by their treatment of you during this ordeal. There is a 50/50 chance neither will be your friend in a year or so...

They are the ones with an issue - they ought not put you in a position to strive for balance.

Neither should be asking advice - they should be concerned to keep you insulated from the drama. Otherwise, their "requests" can simply be an attempt to get you on one side or another. SO actions will speak volumes as to how much of a friend they consider you.

unclesallie · 15 February 2014, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Robert

Just don't tell them to use my divorce lawyer, better get the lawyer my ex wife used!

unclesallie · 15 February 2014, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Welshwatchman

Don't add any energy into an already heated situation and once finalised, side with the party that didn't cheat.

.... or if that doesn't apply, remain friends with the one that you befriended first.

Should that not apply also, dump them both and buy another Rolex.

15 February 2014, 05:21 AM	#1
rolio "TRF" Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Real Name: justRay Location: Back2California Watch: Birdies Posts: 1,921	Friends divorce I have a buddy and he and his wife are talking divorce. It's pretty much a done deal, I think. Problem is, they are both my friends. They both come to me for advise...don't know what to say or do. I retreat when I can, and as of now, have not dispensed any advise, comments, or opinions, for fear of losing their friendship. Neither one can see beyond their own anger, I do know that. If I had more space, I would spell some of it out. __________________ JJ "Tranquil? Just wait till I get started!! LOL! LOL!" --JJ Rolex~By way of an extraordinary life, and all the simple pleasures it has to offer~

15 February 2014, 05:36 AM	#3
Lion "TRF" Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Real Name: Leo Location: Midwest Watch: GMT-II 16710 PEPSI Posts: 21,461	I have been in your position many times during my years and if I may give you advice? Make it clear to both friends that you have chosen to be friends with both individuals whether they separate and go their own way or stay together and work their issues out. So you are not in a position to give out advice or take sides in their affairs. Most people are reasonable and they will understand and will want to continue to be friends with you. But be prepared to lose one of them or both as friends because this will never be a "Win-Win" situation for all parties involved..... It's never an easy situation to be in but stick to your position and be honest with both of them. I believe once they both have an opportunity to calm down and think more rationally they will respect you for your right to stay out of their personal affairs!!! Good luck.....Leo __________________ SS GMT-II 16710 PEPSI(Z-serial#) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND BOYS IS THE PRICE OF THE TOYS!!! MontBlanc Meisterstuck Doue Silver Barley MontBlanc Meisterstuck Solitaire Doue Signum Proud Card Carrying Member of the Curmudgeons.....Yikes!!!

15 February 2014, 05:54 AM	#5
wantonebad 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Watch: 126600, 116500LN Posts: 12,849	It's a no win situation for you, explain that to them and ask them not to put you in the middle. They may ignore your request but they will eventually get it, hopefully before it's too late. If not then you have your answer for what went wrong... Divorce is tough on everyone, not just the immediate family. Chin up! __________________ "I'm kind of a big deal... on a fairly irrelevant social media site that falsely inflates my fragile ego"

15 February 2014, 05:55 AM	#6
Brenngun 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Real Name: Rick Location: Smokin' Heaven Watch: Rolex & Tudor Posts: 3,866	Been there as well. It's possible to keep both friends if that's what you would like. If so my only advice is while they're going through this become the best listener who has no specific opinion. Not even a "yeah I agree" or "that's what I would do" comment. Memorize the following: "I don't know, I've never experienced that before, I have no clue, you got to figure it out". Apply to all advice solicitations from either party about the other. Mega Switzerland! __________________ Simple solutions solve complexed problems more often than complexed solutions solve simple problems!

15 February 2014, 10:42 AM	#11
Dr. Robert 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Real Name: Bob Location: U.S.A. Watch: 1655 Posts: 64,277	Just don't tell them to use my divorce lawyer, better get the lawyer my ex wife used! __________________ Founder & Card Carrying Member of the Global Association of Retro-Grouch-Curmudgeons

15 February 2014, 05:30 AM	#2
dysondiver "TRF" Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Real Name: tom Location: northern ireland Watch: my fins Posts: 10,063	least said ,,,,, soonest mended.

15 February 2014, 05:44 AM	#4
jjnd08 "TRF" Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: United States Posts: 8,615	Stay neutral in this. I have been there before with couples, and I have also been there myself as part of a broken engagement. In my own experiences, ultimately, only one of them will remain as a person you spend your time with. Just let it work itself out.

15 February 2014, 06:55 AM	#8
joseluu "TRF" Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Madrid (Spain) Posts: 702	Only advice I would give, to both, is: hire lawyers and let them do the fighting.

15 February 2014, 07:10 AM	#9
Lisa "TRF" Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: oklahoma city Posts: 15,741	I've been in similar situations, too - and what usually ends up happening is that I side with the woman and my husband sides with the guy, and that creates tension between my husband and me! It's not good for anybody... as has been said, trying to stay neutral but supportive is the way to go, but it also wouldn't hurt to let them know that you would rather stay out of things.

15 February 2014, 11:11 AM	#12
SUBversive Banned Join Date: May 2011 Location: ri Watch: Sun Dial Posts: 14,346	Tough situation good luck

15 February 2014, 11:39 AM	#13
bungcarlo "TRF" Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Real Name: Erwin Location: usa Watch: Sea Dweller Posts: 685	If it's a done deal, then there's no point in giving advises. Get it over with and move on with their lives. Btw, are you a divorce lawyer?

15 February 2014, 11:53 AM	#14
Welshwatchman "TRF" Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Real Name: Paul Location: Wales, UK Posts: 14,578	Don't add any energy into an already heated situation and once finalised, side with the party that didn't cheat. .... or if that doesn't apply, remain friends with the one that you befriended first. Should that not apply also, dump them both and buy another Rolex.

15 February 2014, 11:58 AM	#16
lavaman Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: The Airport Watch: what happens next Posts: 1,942	as a divorce lawyer I can tell you that being the "friend" to both can only be an invitation to a knife fight in a phone booth. just let them sort it out. good advice in this thread.

15 February 2014, 12:05 PM	#17
AbsolutelyROLEX! "TRF" Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Real Name: Andy Location: Ontario, Canada Watch: AKA: ANDERL712000 Posts: 4,935	neutral and stay out __________________ We want to be the first in the field and Rolex should be seen as the one and only-the best. Hans Wilsdorf, Rolex founder

15 February 2014, 03:17 PM	#19
BarkMaster "TRF" Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Texas Watch: 18078 YG DD Posts: 7,962	When I was a young man, I got into this very situation. Long story short, they remained married and neither are my friend. Follow the advice here and say as little as possible regardless of your wanting to help. __________________ BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

15 February 2014, 04:01 PM	#20
DCgator "TRF" Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: PNW Watch: DS,BLNR,SubLV,DJ2 Posts: 8,123	Stay as neutral as possible.

15 February 2014, 05:57 PM	#21
Andad 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Real Name: Eddie Location: Australia Watch: A few. Posts: 37,533	All good advice Ray. Its a difficult situation to be in. __________________ E

15 February 2014, 07:55 PM	#22
Challenger Deep "TRF" Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Real Name: James Location: Michigan Watch: Omega Seamaster Posts: 528	I would tell the both straight up that both are friends and they will remain such. More importantly if you are uncomfortable then i would tell them both respectfully that it is hard for you and you would ask them to stop. Good luck. __________________ "Overtook The Michael..."-Mika "I need to establish my own limits. When i reach those limits, i am willing to overcome them and establish new ones. I do not know how far i can go. I have an understanding of wht i'm doing, but do not know how far it can take me."-Ayrton Senna.

15 February 2014, 08:13 PM	#23
77T 2024 SubLV41 Pledge Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Real Name: PaulG Location: Georgia Posts: 42,017	IMHO, you will know if they are true friends by their treatment of you during this ordeal. There is a 50/50 chance neither will be your friend in a year or so... They are the ones with an issue - they ought not put you in a position to strive for balance. Neither should be asking advice - they should be concerned to keep you insulated from the drama. Otherwise, their "requests" can simply be an attempt to get you on one side or another. SO actions will speak volumes as to how much of a friend they consider you. __________________ Does anyone really know what time it is?

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