The TRF Pre-Marriage Counselor Thread

[BristolCavendish]

Open to all opinions and previous life experiences as each one is valid and pertinent to this topic.

An older co-worker (60 years old) is currently contemplating marriage to a divorcee (aged 52). They have been dating for the past 3 years and she is now pressing for a long-term commitment of sorts. The background info: He has never been married while she has two children (from her previous marriage) in their early 30s with grandchildren ranging from 5 to 9 years of age.

His concern is that he does not want to be inundated with various issues from her past and the thought of having to listen to and/or endure her children's problems (along with the grandchildren running around the house disrupting his 'inner peace' during holidays and visitations) is a disturbing thought.

When asked for my opinion, my basic suggestion was to forego this proposed matrimony and perhaps hook-up with someone younger who is bringing less 'baggage' to the table. In essence, start off with a clean slate.

BTW. Outside of some of the folks here, this guy is a real-life WIS with a nice accumulation/collection of watches (i.e. a VC chronograph and a couple of 4-digit Rolexes) + a '57 Speedster and a Mark I Cobra. I suspect that his being a bachelor for all these years afforded him the opportunity to be somewhat self-centered in his recreational pursuits and ambitions. So why gamble and screw things up now?

[Watch This]

Come on man. Really?

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by Watch This

Come on man. Really?

Seriously (and deferring to others more knowledgeable as I've never been faced with this particular conundrum).

[tritium8]

Sometimes people surprise you. I had a friend was was 50 when he got married. He was very much a "routine" guy. Same barber for 40+ yrs, lived in same city, ate at the same few restaurants, same vacations every year, etc. He truly loved the lady he married, so everything she brought was a non issue. Your friend needs to do a little soul searching. If he only considers his needs over hers then this marriage will not last or will not be a happy one.

[AzPaul]

If he doesn't want her 'life', then he has no business considering marriage with her.
She needs to move on and find a man who wants all of her.

[swils8610]

I think we are all part of some psychology experiment/study BC is secretly conducting or participating in.


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[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by swils8610

I think we are all part of some psychology experiment/study BC is secretly conducting or participating in.

Some just call it everyday life. +

[rudestew]

It won't work as the cars only have two seats .

[KrismanX]

If he can't tolerate her past then, at present, I recommend a separate future.

[FTX I]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

An older co-worker (60 years old) is currently contemplating marriage to a divorcee (aged 52). They have been dating for the past 3 years and she is now pressing for a long-term commitment of sorts. The background info: He has never been married while she has two children (from her previous marriage) in their early 30s with grandchildren ranging from 5 to 9 years of age.:

Shows it's never too late to screw things up.

[machob55]

Why anyone would want to start that type of life at 60 is beyond me? Keep collecting watches, might be more satisfying in the long run.

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[SG56]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

If he doesn't want her 'life', then he has no business considering marriage with her.
She needs to move on and find a man who wants all of her.

Couldn't agree more!! She should run away as fast as she can.

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Open to all opinions and previous life experiences as each one is valid and pertinent to this topic.

An older co-worker (60 years old) is currently contemplating marriage to a divorcee (aged 52). They have been dating for the past 3 years and she is now pressing for a long-term commitment of sorts. The background info: He has never been married while she has two children (from her previous marriage) in their early 30s with grandchildren ranging from 5 to 9 years of age.

His concern is that he does not want to be inundated with various issues from her past and the thought of having to listen to and/or endure her children's problems (along with the grandchildren running around the house disrupting his 'inner peace' during holidays and visitations) is a disturbing thought.

When asked for my opinion, my basic suggestion was to forego this proposed matrimony and perhaps hook-up with someone younger who is bringing less 'baggage' to the table. In essence, start off with a clean slate.

BTW. Outside of some of the folks here, this guy is a real-life WIS with a nice accumulation/collection of watches (i.e. a VC chronograph and a couple of 4-digit Rolexes) + a '57 Speedster and a Mark I Cobra. I suspect that his being a bachelor for all these years afforded him the opportunity to be somewhat self-centered in his recreational pursuits and ambitions. So why gamble and screw things up now?

You know, if he hasn't settled down by now, there's probably a good reason for it.

To me he sounds like a selfish piece of sh** who should rot alone surrounded by his bling.

[GB-man]

The answer is obvious. Your friend isn't suited for marriage. There's a reason he's 60 and unmarried.

No offense but you can't talk about baggage when considering people at that stage in life. Everyone has it.

[Bryant Park]

Strikes me as the type of guy who wants someone around to change his adult diaper just in case it comes to that, but won't change his girlfriend's grand kids diaper because poopy is stinky.

[BNA/LION]

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Open to all opinions and previous life experiences as each one is valid and pertinent to this topic.

An older co-worker (60 years old) is currently contemplating marriage to a divorcee (aged 52). They have been dating for the past 3 years and she is now pressing for a long-term commitment of sorts. The background info: He has never been married while she has two children (from her previous marriage) in their early 30s with grandchildren ranging from 5 to 9 years of age.

His concern is that he does not want to be inundated with various issues from her past and the thought of having to listen to and/or endure her children's problems (along with the grandchildren running around the house disrupting his 'inner peace' during holidays and visitations) is a disturbing thought.

When asked for my opinion, my basic suggestion was to forego this proposed matrimony and perhaps hook-up with someone younger who is bringing less 'baggage' to the table. In essence, start off with a clean slate.

BTW. Outside of some of the folks here, this guy is a real-life WIS with a nice accumulation/collection of watches (i.e. a VC chronograph and a couple of 4-digit Rolexes) + a '57 Speedster and a Mark I Cobra. I suspect that his being a bachelor for all these years afforded him the opportunity to be somewhat self-centered in his recreational pursuits and ambitions. So why gamble and screw things up now?

You and the missus should take the girlfriend out to dinner and explain that she doesn't need a self centered lump of flesh in her life going into her retirement years. There's still time for her to find a decent man to settle into retirement with.

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by GB-man

The answer is obvious. Your friend isn't suited for marriage. There's a reason he's 60 and unmarried.

No offense but you can't talk about baggage when considering people at that stage in life. Everyone has it.

Exactly my thoughts too

I had significant baggage at a much earlier age

[Art 1]

She would be best to move on.

[BristolCavendish]

While everyone has their own 'baggage' so to speak, sometimes it can also get a bit out of hand. Further down the south peninsula/Silicon Valley, a former college room-mate got remarried, this time to a woman from Asia/China. At first everything seemed to be going OK but within a year her elderly parents came to visit from the mainland and never returned home. They simply let their visas expire and permanently moved in. Next came a younger sister who had an X-1 work visa at a prominent high-tech company and she also took up lodging in his 4BR/2.5B house. In retrospect, he now realizes that this marriage came with clandestine and ulterior motives (i.e. procuring a green card and permanent housing for relatives). And of course, these potentially disruptive plans were never discussed out in the open prior to the marriage. Barring a second divorce, he is totally screwed.

Having some baggage from the past is one thing but marrying someone with steamer trunks is an entirely different situation.

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

While everyone has their own 'baggage' so to speak, sometimes it can also get a bit out of hand. Further down the south peninsula/Silicon Valley, a former college room-mate got remarried, this time to a woman from Asia/China. At first everything seemed to be going OK but within a year her elderly parents came to visit from the mainland and never returned home. They simply let their visas expire and permanently moved in. Next came a younger sister who had an X-1 work visa at a prominent high-tech company and she also took up lodging in his 4BR/2.5B house. In retrospect, he now realizes that this marriage came with clandestine and ulterior motives (i.e. procuring a green card and permanent housing for relatives). And of course, these potentially disruptive plans were never discussed out in the open prior to the marriage. Barring a second divorce, he is totally screwed.

Having some baggage from the past is one thing but marrying someone with steamer trunks is an entirely different situation.

Man... your repertoire of odd and afflicted friends and acquaintances knows no bounds.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by Abdullah71601

Man... your repertoire of odd and afflicted friends and acquaintances knows no bounds.

No kidding (which is why I count my blessings each and every day). I'll never be rich but at least I won't be impoverished or inundated by this kind of BS.

[FTX I]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

While everyone has their own 'baggage' so to speak, sometimes it can also get a bit out of hand. Further down the south peninsula/Silicon Valley, a former college room-mate got remarried, this time to a woman from Asia/China. At first everything seemed to be going OK but within a year her elderly parents came to visit from the mainland and never returned home. They simply let their visas expire and permanently moved in. Next came a younger sister who had an X-1 work visa at a prominent high-tech company and she also took up lodging in his 4BR/2.5B house. In retrospect, he now realizes that this marriage came with clandestine and ulterior motives (i.e. procuring a green card and permanent housing for relatives). And of course, these potentially disruptive plans were never discussed out in the open prior to the marriage. Barring a second divorce, he is totally screwed.

Having some baggage from the past is one thing but marrying someone with steamer trunks is an entirely different situation.

In a best choice competition this one gets the medal. Grandma husband close second.

[zama]

Sounds like they both MAY be happier in a different situation.

[locutus49]

I told my wife when were dating that I would only go to one wedding and one funeral in my life: both my own. And we have been married over 30 years and my cremation arrangements have already been made.

[BristolCavendish]

Originally Posted by FTX I

In a best choice competition this one gets the medal. Grandma husband close second.

Speaking of 'grandma', the elderly mother-in-law has now taken to preparing the family dinners on a regular basis. Despite being allocated a somewhat generous grocery allowance, she is a bit on the frugal side and spends very little on the ingredients. A typical dinner consists of white rice + bock choy and some scraps of pork or fish. As a result, Chet is now sneaking off to In & Out, Round Table Pizza or El Pollo Loco immediately following work and prior to joining the 'clan' at dinnertime. Since he doesn't have much of an appetite after getting home, the leftovers are then set aside for the following evening's dinner.

Mrs. BC and I often refer to him as 'dead man walking'.

[Headshrinker]

Where is my popcorn?

[Gaijin]

This guy sounds like a career bachelor and that’s the way he should remain. The scenario painted will be disastrous for him being set in his ways.

[Rock]

Marriage is a bit of a lottery, even with good people with the best of intentions.
Life is full of risks, but you take them because otherwise there is no richness in the mix.
People come with baggage - that's the way it is. If you don't want the baggage you don't want the relationship.

[superstarmar]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

Seriously (and deferring to others more knowledgeable as I've never been faced with this particular conundrum).

Leave this to the true professionals!!!!
Stop getting involved...

[Fleetlord]

Originally Posted by Gaijin

This guy sounds like a career bachelor and that’s the way he should remain. The scenario painted will be disastrous for him being set in his ways.

Yep...Marriage isn't for everyone and that's ok.