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Old 12 October 2018, 04:05 PM   #1
Porsche
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The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Old 12 October 2018, 07:29 PM   #2
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Great stuff
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Old 13 October 2018, 01:29 AM   #3
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Old 13 October 2018, 06:30 AM   #4
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Very good stuff. Saw him after work at a performance.

He went to a restaurant that offered breakfast any time, so he ordered French toast from the Renaissance.

If you brain itches and you think of sandpaper, will it stop itching?
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Old 14 October 2018, 03:21 AM   #5
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Steven Wright is so good. Love his stuff. He is right up there with rodney as far as one liners.
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Old 15 November 2018, 08:34 AM   #6
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Old 15 November 2018, 10:56 AM   #7
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I saw his stand up routine back in the mid 80's in SF, funny guy.

"I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone" - Steven Wright
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Old 19 November 2018, 10:46 PM   #8
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Old 19 November 2018, 11:13 PM   #9
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Old 19 November 2018, 11:33 PM   #10
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He is, and has been for decades, a thinking person’s comic.

“I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."


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Old 20 November 2018, 09:53 AM   #11
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