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Old 18 February 2012, 04:20 AM   #31
bayerische
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Nice pics!

Where in Finland does your brothers live?
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Old 18 February 2012, 04:45 AM   #32
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I have always listen to what you have to say Paul so no worries especially since you're not the first person to bring up the topic. My wife and I have discussed the subject and she wants me to go. She says that she doesn't ever want to stand in my way. Could this decision eventually end of my marriage? The answer is possibly. We have no children and we are only in our mid-30's so if both of us had to start over, we can. My aunt actually expressed her concerns since she said that girls will be throwing themselves at me. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I may be a US citizen and tall, but I'm an average looking guy with a big round head with not much to offer to young pretty girls.
Vu, I have no doubt whatever you choose will be the right decision. You are a mature, level-headed individual, much more then I was in my mid 30s, (hell, much more then I am NOW!). Some people make look at your words about the marriage possibly ending as calous, I can understand that, and I am sure you don't want that to happen, but you are looking at this from the big picture of a lifetime, not the here and now. And who knows? time apart may actually strengthen your relationship with you wife; I saw that happen in my military service days as well. Anyway, again, it is your decison and I wish you the best in whatever you decide.


Now, get back to that part about beautiul women throwing themselves at you because you're a Westerner.... Do you need an assistant over there?
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Old 18 February 2012, 05:26 AM   #33
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Fascinating story.Thanks for sharing.I think just doing that took guts.I dont want to give advice any way,but I think you will find middle ground where everybody's happy. All the best !!
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Old 18 February 2012, 05:54 AM   #34
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Nice pics!

Where in Finland does your brothers live?
Helsinki. I've only met one of them and he is a contract chef so you may have dined at a restaurant that he has worked at. He is actually planning to come visit me this year and maybe one day I will get to visit Finland.

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...
Now, get back to that part about beautiul women throwing themselves at you because you're a Westerner.... Do you need an assistant over there?
Take a number Paul. It's funny how many people want to visit me if I end up living over there.
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Old 18 February 2012, 10:00 AM   #35
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Good luck in your decision! Great photos and story!
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Old 18 February 2012, 10:14 AM   #36
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Vu I am excited for you that you found family that you never knew they existed and the prospect of spending time with them is something special.

I wish you the very best whatever you decide and things in life happen for a reason and listen to your heart and spend time with the people you missed out getting to know while growing up and living on this earth.

I had missed out getting to know my uncles, my untie and their kids from my fathers side and met them in my mid 30s when by chance I ran into one of them in Greece. They lived all their lives in Sweden and in parts in Greece and never had seen them as my father had a beef with his brothers and sister.

I spend around 6 months in Sweden getting to know some of them, uncle, untie, cousins wives and their children and it was the best thing I ever done and hence why I feel your trip back home is an experience that is priceless so go for it!

PM me if there is anything I can help with.
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Old 18 February 2012, 04:12 PM   #37
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Do what you do brother and I'm sure it'll work out. I love the picture with the snake/frog in the bottle. It's alcohol, right?
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Old 18 February 2012, 06:12 PM   #38
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Helsinki. I've only met one of them and he is a contract chef so you may have dined at a restaurant that he has worked at. He is actually planning to come visit me this year and maybe one day I will get to visit Finland.



Take a number Paul. It's funny how many people want to visit me if I end up living over there.



Same city as I then.

I'm in the restaurant business too, so I might very well have eaten at the restaurant.
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Old 18 February 2012, 06:30 PM   #39
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wow overwhelming story! You can surely write a book or a movie on your life events!

You are truly blessed that you were looked after by your step dad in times of need.
I would wish you good luck and happiness, it seems your father really loves you and wishes to make up on the time you were away. Money shouldn't be important.

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Old 19 February 2012, 01:50 AM   #40
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I live a normal and somewhat boring life (although some who know me may disagree), going through life's routine such as university, career, marriage, deaths in the family and etcetera. So my trip to Vietnam last month for the first time since I left as an infant was supposed to be a routine vacation in my eyes. I honestly never thought it would really change my life in anyway, but it's strange what life throws at you when you least expect it. I met my biological father, which I didn't know existed since I always thought the man who raised me was my biological father. Apparently it was a secret that everyone in my family knew except me. In addition, I have an older half sister (First Marriage) and two younger half brothers (Third Marriage) who live in Finland.

Normally discovering a biological father and siblings that I didn't know existed would be a life changing event in itself, but apparently that isn't enough. My biological father has asked me come back and visit for about two to three months to get to know him, the country and his business. He has also asked me to come work for him for two years in Vietnam after my second visit. If I accept his offer, I would be leaving my career in IT, my life in the US and my wife since she decided that she would stay in the US during the duration. The trade off is that I would get to know my biological father, learn my culture, learn business skill sets and make some serious money.

I am planning my second trip back to Vietnam at the end of the year which may decide my fate although I am leaning towards making the life changing move.

Some photos from my trip...
My opinion is that I completely disagree with it. You got married, weather you are "in love" or not it is your job to be a man and honor that marriage. Regardless of this "life changing" event and a biological father in vietnam. Have your dad come to the US to visit. Your duty is to your wife. Who better to listen to then the one who created everything. Read below, and ponder it dont just disregard it. Please!

Love flows through a marriage that lives up to mutual responsibility. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Ephesians 5:25

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)
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Old 19 February 2012, 02:02 AM   #41
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My opinion is that I completely disagree with it. You got married, weather you are "in love" or not it is your job to be a man and honor that marriage. Regardless of this "life changing" event and a biological father in vietnam. Have your dad come to the US to visit. Your duty is to your wife. Who better to listen to then the one who created everything. Read below, and ponder it dont just disregard it. Please!

Love flows through a marriage that lives up to mutual responsibility. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Ephesians 5:25

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)
Read the thread again.

He didn't ask for opinions, never mind a sermon.
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Old 19 February 2012, 02:08 AM   #42
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One of the most thought provoking TRF threads I've read in awhile... Thanks for sharing your story with us Vu... I am sure it will work out for the best!
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Old 19 February 2012, 02:10 AM   #43
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Here's the million dollar question and I'm sorry if its already been asked and answered because I didn't read everything.

What type of business in your bio. father in?


If you dont know then you answered my question about the whole thing and you have your answer.
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Old 19 February 2012, 02:18 AM   #44
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Read the thread again.

He didn't ask for opinions, never mind a sermon.
I understand that. However, I am trying to keep him from making a mistake, that will effect his life tremendously. Making these kinds of decisions have serious implications that are far reaching. I am not here to say what people want to hear.
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Old 19 February 2012, 03:14 AM   #45
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Why not take her with you?

I hope I am never in this situation because this is tough.

In your previous reply you wrote:

Could this decision eventually end of my marriage? The answer is possibly. We have no children and we are only in our mid-30's so if both of us had to start over, we can.

PLEASE do not take this the wrong way, this is just the way I am reading your statement and I could be way wrong: Based on that statement, it sounds to me like your heart really isn't in this marriage. If that's true, the answer is easy. Go to Vietnam, but end the marriage and set each other free. It will make it a lot better on your conscience.

Again, I might be reading this wrong and perhaps that's not what you meant to say at all. It's just how I read it, from an English second language to another.

If it was me and I wanted my marriage, I would either take her with me or not go at all.
If I did not really want my marriage, I would set her free and allow her to find her own happiness.
My wife was with me on the trip and after a week, she wanted to go home. So if two weeks was tough, three months will be even tougher and two years could really cause problems in the marriage. She wasn't happy about moving from Canada to the US, so moving from a first world country to a third world one is much more of a change especially for an Anglo that doesn't know the Vietnamese culture or language. So she is content with the idea of staying in the US with her cat and her job. She actually is looking forward to be independent, since she never has had that. She really surprised me when she suggested the idea of her getting a roommate.

As for my statement, I tend to speak with open endings since I believe the only thing guarantee in life is death. I can say that I possibly may be homeless tomorrow. That doesn't mean I want to be homeless or that it will happen, but the possibility still exists.

I've been married for twelve years and have been faithful. However, that is no guarantee that the marriage will last forever; things can happen on either side. I'm sure that you understand that.
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Old 19 February 2012, 03:29 AM   #46
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I understand that. However, I am trying to keep him from making a mistake, that will effect his life tremendously. Making these kinds of decisions have serious implications that are far reaching. I am not here to say what people want to hear.
You may need to refresh your memory about the TRF forum rules regarding religious posts, and respecting the views of others. Not everyone believes the way you do, and they take their own beliefs just as seriously as you take yours.
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Old 19 February 2012, 04:16 AM   #47
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I understand that. However, I am trying to keep him from making a mistake, that will effect his life tremendously. Making these kinds of decisions have serious implications that are far reaching. I am not here to say what people want to hear.
Well, you've not really been here an awful long time, have you?

Sometimes an OP will ask for people's opinions.

Even then, we keep the gods out of the thread.
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Old 19 February 2012, 04:43 AM   #48
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Vu, the story of you meeting biological father is touching. Thank you for sharing.

The life changing decision you are facing is also heart wrenching. Great to hear that you can discuss with wife openly on this topic and got her support.

About 17 years ago, I did a business venture in Hong Kong/China while family stayed in Canada. Like many things in life, there were good and bad during those 4 years. Nonetheless no regrets.

I wish you the best which ever direction you take.
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Old 19 February 2012, 05:29 AM   #49
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Well, you've not really been here an awful long time, have you?

Sometimes an OP will ask for people's opinions.

Even then, we keep the gods out of the thread.
If he doesn't want an opinion, why even mention it may or may not work with his wife, and why would he mention the pros and cons of leaving to vietnam? If this isn't open to opinion why even give us the details, if he wanted to tell us about visiting vietnam, and meeting his bioligical father, that is great. Leave it at that then, dont mention your thought process for his dilemma. Posting a choice/dilemma IS asking for opinions on a forum. And because I gave mine, and spoke about the GOD, not gods, you guys have issues with it. He can ignore what I write, but it is important that I write it.
If i get kicked off the forum then so be it, the advice I give is good advice, and I really do it with the best of intentions, not to bible thump him.
"all will be laid naked and bare, before the one whom they must render an account."
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Old 19 February 2012, 05:40 AM   #50
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If he doesn't want an opinion, why even mention it may or may not work with his wife, and why would he mention the pros and cons of leaving to vietnam? If this isn't open to opinion why even give us the details, if he wanted to tell us about visiting vietnam, and meeting his bioligical father, that is great. Leave it at that then, dont mention your thought process for his dilemma. Posting a choice/dilemma IS asking for opinions on a forum. And because I gave mine, and spoke about the GOD, not gods, you guys have issues with it. He can ignore what I write, but it is important that I write it.
If i get kicked off the forum then so be it, the advice I give is good advice, and I really do it with the best of intentions, not to bible thump him.
"all will be laid naked and bare, before the one whom they must render an account."
Ok then. Enough of you. This is the second thread in which you have shown complete disregard for forum rules. The first had to be shut down because of your political commentary and this because of your religious ranting. Whatever your choices you are entitled to them but you must adhere to these rules. They are there for good reason.

You were warned by a moderator and still continued. You suggested your banning and gave us no choice in the end.
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Old 19 February 2012, 05:57 AM   #51
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Dalip - simple thanks!

Vu - what a stirring set of circumstances - your head must still be swimming in the endless possibilities. I hope for the best for you and the families - and please let us know how you choose.

I am always amazed at the diverse lives our members have.
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Old 19 February 2012, 10:19 AM   #52
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Personally I wouldn't leave a wife behind. And I'm not ever married.

Good luck Vu with whatever you choose.
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Old 19 February 2012, 02:20 PM   #53
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dalip - simple thanks!

x 2!
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Old 20 February 2012, 04:10 AM   #54
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Toph - just a couple of points and then I'll go back to minding my own business - we don't know Vu's relationship with his stepdad.... or anyone in his family for that matter. As Vu wrote, his bio dad made attempts to find him but his mom kept their whereabouts secret.

I can't articulate this very well, and can't speak for Vu, but sometimes people need to find answers to their deepest questions by accepting challenges... it's about needing to understand one's capabilities, realize dreams, goals, and fundamentally know who we are.
I agree
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Old 20 February 2012, 01:14 PM   #55
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I spoke to my dad tonight and he suggested skipping the three month visit and jump to the two year. The pro of this is that it would reduce the length of time I am overseas. The con is that I don't have the grace period to decide if this is right for me. Of course, in the back of my head I want to do this so I'm not sure if I really need a grace period.
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Old 20 February 2012, 02:39 PM   #56
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Vu, sounds like you want to do it and that your wife is cool with it.

Do it!
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Old 21 February 2012, 08:14 AM   #57
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What a dilemma! And thank you for sharing your story.

I have nothing constructive to add to your saga other than to encourage you to think with your mind rather than your heart in this difficult decision. It appears obvious what you have your heart set on and are aware of the inherent risks to your personal and professional life.

Good luck in whatever you decide: I came to the USA from neighboring Cambodia, and can only imagine how difficult it may be for you to acclimate to your new environment should you choose to proceed.
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Old 21 February 2012, 08:21 AM   #58
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I spoke to my dad tonight and he suggested skipping the three month visit and jump to the two year. The pro of this is that it would reduce the length of time I am overseas. The con is that I don't have the grace period to decide if this is right for me. Of course, in the back of my head I want to do this so I'm not sure if I really need a grace period.


When do we leave!?!?!? It won't take me long to pack.... Boss
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Old 21 February 2012, 08:28 AM   #59
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Is my biological dad's business legit? I don't know since we didn't talk much about business during my two weeks. I did visit a farm that he owns and we tour a development area where he was making note of things that were wrong and having his secretary calling people asking them why. It's possible that it was an act but it didn't seem like it. I stayed at his main house which would be well off even in US standards. He showed me another home closer to the city and said I could have it if I wanted it. I chatted with my new founded half brother and he made the comment that our dad wouldn't have a problem paying me a salary of a few thousand US every month. So I'm not quite sure how I would be an inviting target since I really don't have anything financially to lose. For him to pay me the salary that he is talking about, he has more to lose financially considering that the average monthly income in Vietnam is only about $150 USD. But you're right to say that a guy with money can live like a king in a third world country.

In honesty, I believe he cares for his family and he is lonely since none of his children live in Vietnam. Being the oldest son, there is a certain status that exist in Asian families and the fact that I'm the only one who has shown interest in living in Vietnam, decreases the odd that he would do anything to lose that.
Do your due diligence. Emotional blackmail is as much of a potential hazard as financial pitfalls. Put some random person you barely know in place of your father for this particular situation. You'd take some time and effort to see what you're getting yourself into in that instance, right? Don't skip over that simply b/c he's biologically related to you.



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My wife and I have discussed the subject and she wants me to go. She says that she doesn't ever want to stand in my way. Could this decision eventually end of my marriage? The answer is possibly. We have no children and we are only in our mid-30's so if both of us had to start over, we can. My aunt actually expressed her concerns since she said that girls will be throwing themselves at me. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I may be a US citizen and tall, but I'm an average looking guy with a big round head with not much to offer to young pretty girls.
Surprised you haven't already realized from your time in Vietnam that you'll soon feel like you're the Viet Brad Pitt or Leo Di Caprio once you settle in there. Temptation will present itself early, often and continuously. You can view it as a blessing or a curse (or both), but you should go with eyes wide open that your vows of fidelity are going to be tested numerous times.

And having read that your wife is non-Viet, it's a good thing she's going to stay stateside. Otherwise, she'll be clamped to your side constantly to keep the ladies away.
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Old 21 February 2012, 08:29 AM   #60
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I would be somewhat troubled by how quickly this has accelerated now (no shorter trial run...). With such a dramatic life decision why the seeming insistence on doing it so quickly? That being said, I've never walked a mile in your shoes so I don't pretend to know what is right for you. Good luck
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