My life has "flipped" in one year...(I need a little advice please)

[mfer]

Originally Posted by 2careless

I don't know how your workplace is like, at my workplace if a couple are getting married our HR will frown on them if they remain in the same group. You've got to tread this carefully at work.

Small company. Everyone knows, including owner. We're good.

[Art161]

I think some folks may have misinterpreted my suggestion about taking a long road trip together.

I'm not talking about a cruise, spending most of the time at a destination site, etc. I'm talking about being in a car together for maybe eight hours a day. The opportunity for questions and comments such as, "Aren't we getting low on gas? I told you to stop at that last station. How fast are you driving? I think you missed the turn back there. Why are we stopping at this diner? It looks like a dive. I told you we needed to phone ahead to the hotel and tell them we would be arriving late. Now they may have given our room to someone else."

[frostie]

Originally Posted by Art161

I think some folks may have misinterpreted my suggestion about taking a long road trip together.

I'm not talking about a cruise, spending most of the time at a destination site, etc. I'm talking about being in a car together for maybe eight hours a day. The opportunity for questions and comments such as, "Aren't we getting low on gas? I told you to stop at that last station. How fast are you driving? I think you missed the turn back there. Why are we stopping at this diner? It looks like a dive. I told you we needed to phone ahead to the hotel and tell them we would be arriving late. Now they may have given our room to someone else."

I am getting annoyed by those questions too and especially when they have been repeated 1000 times

But that's the funny stuff when you think about it

When you sit together and talk about it after that both of you will laugh

[gmh1013]

Life is short, dont waste time!
Im almost 51 wasted almost 6 years in a bad marriage back in the mid 80's
Then floated around not getting serious about anybody.
Now im old never had any kids. My second wife is 62 and in very poor health
and so am i and we had to both retire.
Point is life is short
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

[sombunya]

My wife is from Thailand. We've been together for 18 years.

I'm going to predict that you will be very happy for a long, long time.

[stevemulholland3]

hey I have taken the dive three times-and I hope to three more!!
definitly do it-women are the most wonderful part of this world!

[mfer]

Thanks guys! Appreciate the comments. Especially your feedback Greg!

[East Bay Rider]

Test drive before you buy. The things that drew you together can drive you nuts after staring at them unchanged for years.
Not trying to be negative but you're 30 y/o and already working towards your second marriage. Odds of the second working are slimmer than that of first marriages. Here's an informative link with the stats you need to see.
http://www.divorcerate.org/
Best to give it time and just enjoy dating for a while.
BTW she's really cute and I wish you both the best.

[Carolina]

Originally Posted by stevemulholland3

hey I have taken the dive three times-and I hope to three more!!
definitly do it-women are the most wonderful part of this world!

Now this guy I like!

[Irish Dan]

Go for it!

I married my trophy asian wife 43 years ago.

[mailman]

You guys make a beautiful couple Mik. I would say hold off just a bit longer though. IMO, nine months might just be a little bit too soon. Keep having fun and talking about things. See if the spark is still there in another nine months.

Either way, I'm verry happy that you both found someone that makes you both so very happy

[vibes]

Originally Posted by mfer

Man, if we didn't speak the same language, that would be REALLY tough.

No she speaks English, just fine. I'm learning bits of Cantonese, but the tones are REEEEEEEALY hard for a westerner to hear. You can say "sic" 9 different ways or tones.

Her parents don't understand much English, but if I talk real slow, they get me most of the time. I'm picking up on the VERY slow Cantonese as well. There aren't many/any books/CD's out there on Cantonese. Lots of Mandarin.

So, she and her family are probably from Hong Kong, Macau, or some other part of southern China, correct?

You may have done this already, but if not, you may want to talk a bit about what expectations there might be for you in her family that are different from expectations in an American family. Is she the oldest child in her family? Will she be expected to take care of her parents when they're older? What about raising children, if you had them? Would she and/or her family have any different expectations there?

I lived in Hong Kong for a couple years and studied in mainland China for a few months while I was working on my undergraduate degree (Chinese language), so I feel your pain in learning Cantonese. I speak it better than Mandarin because of the time I spent in HK, and I love it. It's a very fun language to learn and speak, but it's hard to due to the lack of available materials, as you've already discovered. If you ever have the time and means to spend a good six months (minimum) in HK/Macau/certain parts of Guangdong province, that will really help you in your language quest.

I asked a few questions about cultural differences above. Those questions came out of my own experiences dating Chinese women. I've dated American-born, as well as ones from Taiwan, HK and mainland China. There were varying degrees of cultural differences, and ultimately, things that I just couldn't accept (family responsibilities being one of the major ones). I ended up marrying the first American of non-Asian descent I dated.

Whatever the case, best of luck to you both. You look very happy in your photos, and it's admirable that you're trying to learn the language and more about the culture.

[mfer]

Originally Posted by vibes

So, she and her family are probably from Hong Kong, Macau, or some other part of southern China, correct?

You may have done this already, but if not, you may want to talk a bit about what expectations there might be for you in her family that are different from expectations in an American family. Is she the oldest child in her family? Will she be expected to take care of her parents when they're older? What about raising children, if you had them? Would she and/or her family have any different expectations there?

I lived in Hong Kong for a couple years and studied in mainland China for a few months while I was working on my undergraduate degree (Chinese language), so I feel your pain in learning Cantonese. I speak it better than Mandarin because of the time I spent in HK, and I love it. It's a very fun language to learn and speak, but it's hard to due to the lack of available materials, as you've already discovered. If you ever have the time and means to spend a good six months (minimum) in HK/Macau/certain parts of Guangdong province, that will really help you in your language quest.

I asked a few questions about cultural differences above. Those questions came out of my own experiences dating Chinese women. I've dated American-born, as well as ones from Taiwan, HK and mainland China. There were varying degrees of cultural differences, and ultimately, things that I just couldn't accept (family responsibilities being one of the major ones). I ended up marrying the first American of non-Asian descent I dated.

Whatever the case, best of luck to you both. You look very happy in your photos, and it's admirable that you're trying to learn the language and more about the culture.

Yeah, Macau. She's second oldest. I know exactly what you are talking about with the differences between Asian and American families. We have already talked about kids as well, so we have that figured out. We have talked about going to Macau, but not for 6 months. Wow, that would be hard.

[mickeydainish]

Hey Mik..... gr8 thread and thanx for sharing. I say go for it..! You sound like a very level headed guy who knows what he is doing. You go boy.... and stay positive. She is a beautiful woman and y'all make a very cute couple.

I wanna see wedding pics hey!!!! :-) :-)

[leopardprey]

Personally, Either get married or stop living together. I don't believe in living together before marriage and studies show that couples that live together have a 75% greater chance of divorce. So IMHO, if you love each other and understand the committment, then get married. Be loyal to each other. If you are unsure of getting married, then stop living together and "playing" marriage, and wait to make the committment. If you have true love, then with that will come committment and loyalty. And most important thing to ask yourself, is can you live without this girl? If the answer is no, then make that committment and get married. There is no time criteria. I have known couples that have been married for over 20 years and knew each other for only a week or two before getting married, and I have unfortunatly also known couples that have lived together for years (waiting to see if they were compatible) then got married and divroced a couple years later. Again, if you both love (and love not being some Hollywood romantic lustful feeling, but True love that is a verb, that means committment, loyalty and servitude to each other), then I say go for it. Make sure you discuss as well Religion in your marriage. Many couple of different faiths get married without having this discussion, and then later when children come along it can have problems. And I also suggest having some formal marriage counseling before getting married. My $.02. God Bless.

[Lisa]

I might add here that your ability to be flexible and evolve through life's challenges and changes is key to staying together and staying happy. It's impossible to see into the future 15 or 20 years (in my own marriage I would absolutely NOT have believed we would be where we are today - things happened that we couldn't have possibly imagined). In many ways we're not the same people we were 20 years ago. No one can predict the future, but if you both carry traits that will equip you to deal with change and upheaval, that's a big plus. Advice from an old married lady who's had her world turned upside down a few times over the years.

[Leighton]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Odds of the second working are slimmer than that of first marriages.

After 21 years with Mrs. Leighton #2, I may just beat those odds! And I think it's because I didn't turn around an marry the same type of person as the ex Mrs. Leighton #1. We tend to gravitate to certain "types" or "ideals" for our choices in mates and if we we're unlucky with that type once, the odds are already stacked against us if we go for the same type again.

Mik, from what I can glean from your posts it seems that your new girl friend is totally different from your ex. I'm not just talking culturally, but as an individual. If that's the case and based on your answers to some great questions and comments from the members, I'd say you have a winner!

[Jimbits76]

Mik

I've come to this late and only flashed through the 70 odd posts so forgive me if I repeat anything.

My advice...

Follow you heart. You seem happy, you seem as though you have put your trust into this person and she obviously feels the same way about you.

Your ex seems to have treated you quite harshly and through your willingless to make that relationship work, you seem to be a loving, big hearted guy.

Aside fro the death of a loved one, there is no emotion pain in the world like the loss of feeling from somebody you dearly and deeply care for. Your marriage break up must have been crushing and it is therefore only natural for you to feel wary of "driving at 100mph".
The thing is are you doing 100mph or just what feels like it. If you look at it from another's viewpoint are you solely doing what most young(ish) couples would do when they are in love with each other.

Companionship is a true gift. Finding that one person who shares your loves, wants and needs can be a very rare luxury.

You've been through the grinder before and therefore have nothing to lose.

I maybe a romantic at heart and wish life was a John Hughes or Meg Ryan movie and therefore biased but I say go for it!!!!!!!!!

Brush all those doubts aside, propose to this girl and enjoy yourself again!

I wish you both the best of luck and all the love and happiness in the world.

Keep us posted

Regards

Jim

[redshirt1957]

Originally Posted by Lisa

I might add here that your ability to be flexible and evolve through life's challenges and changes is key to staying together and staying happy. It's impossible to see into the future 15 or 20 years (in my own marriage I would absolutely NOT have believed we would be where we are today - things happened that we couldn't have possibly imagined). In many ways we're not the same people we were 20 years ago. No one can predict the future, but if you both carry traits that will equip you to deal with change and upheaval, that's a big plus. Advice from an old married lady who's had her world turned upside down a few times over the years.

I agree. That is why the stock get rotated every 10 years.

[Lisa]

Originally Posted by redshirt1957

I agree. That is why the stock get rotated every 10 years.

In our case, we both know no one else would put up with either of us. And our kids like having both of us in the same house.

[mfer]

Thanks for more perspective guys. This is really good stuff. And Leighton, you are right about gravitating towards the same people. I talked to a professional about this and I always went for the quiet, non-confident ones for some reason, when what I really wanted is openly communicative and confident. She is total different is many positive ways. I think you hit the nail on the head.

And we are doing 100mph, but if feels right!!!

[East Bay Rider]

Originally Posted by Leighton

After 21 years with Mrs. Leighton #2, I may just beat those odds! And I think it's because I didn't turn around an marry the same type of person as the ex Mrs. Leighton #1. We tend to gravitate to certain "types" or "ideals" for our choices in mates and if we we're unlucky with that type once, the odds are already stacked against us if we go for the same type again...

Yes I'm sure there is (less publicized) data to support that many first marriages are learning experiences and can be chalked up to "OOPS", Now I know what I DON'T want".
I also suppose that many first marriages happen before the people involved have experienced the world, life or even met a large enough pool of potential candidates. Lets face it, most (myself included) people are completely different people at 40 than we were at 20 or 25.

[vh_bu98]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

Yes I'm sure there is (less publicized) data to support that many first marriages are learning experiences and can be chalked up to "OOPS", Now I know what I DON'T want".
I also suppose that many first marriages happen before the people involved have experienced the world, life or even met a large enough pool of potential candidates. Lets face it, most (myself included) people are completely different people at 40 than we were at 20 or 25.

I got married fairly young at 22 and it will be 10 years in a few weeks. I do wish that I had waited, but rushed it due to being young and so I could get my wife into the US. I do think about the divorce issue now and then. Maybe it's time to see a marriage counselor to see if it's worth continuing.

[BLSampson]

Mik,
What nationality is your girlfriend? Cultural differences make a relationship more interesting. My spouse is Korean where as I am the typical white guy. When ever I upset her, I ask myself, self did I violate a cultural thing or was this a guy thing etc.

[submariner313]

I would take your time as there is no hurry. Stick it out a couple years until the hormones wear off.

[sombunya]

Originally Posted by leopardprey

Personally, Either get married or stop living together. I don't believe in living together before marriage and studies show that couples that live together have a 75% greater chance of divorce.

When I met my wife she was a legal resident alien. He entire family lived in Thailand. We also dated "110 mph", that is we went out 4 nights a week. 3 months later she moved in. We lived together for 8 years. We got married 10 years ago. Best thing I ever did. (I should have married her after 6 months)

Living together or not living together. What's right for some may not be right for others. The religion factor? In our case, it was minor...

You're obviously old enough to make your own decisions. Do what feels right.

[unclesallie]

Mik:
Chinese women are way different from other Asians. Chinese cultural and familial demands are complex. I do not doubt you love this woman, nor that she loves you. Proceed slowly and all will go well. Proceed with speed at your own risk, and those risks are emotionally grave. Risk=proximity to danger. In your situation, from the pictures, it is clear that you are both presently happy and content. Why not get to know her culture, familial expectations, and individual style better? What's the Big Rush?
No matter what you do, I wish the two of you nothing but the best.
dan

[ratae1950]

Originally Posted by unclesallie

Mik:
Chinese women are way different from other Asians. Chinese cultural and familial demands are complex. I do not doubt you love this woman, nor that she loves you. Proceed slowly and all will go well. Proceed with speed at your own risk, and those risks are emotionally grave. Risk=proximity to danger. In your situation, from the pictures, it is clear that you are both presently happy and content. Why not get to know her culture, familial expectations, and individual style better? What's the Big Rush?
No matter what you do, I wish the two of you nothing but the best.
dan

Sounds like great advice to me.

[roadcarver]

Early 30's, you're still young. Take your time and its not like she's giving you an ultimatum (which is a bad thing). Enjoy dating for a while and don't jump into anything so quickly.

8 - 9 months is still considered short.

BTW, photos of you and your gf are quiet nice, you two make a great couple.

[roadcarver]

Undestandably you are in 7th heaven, just make sure you are not in a rebound. It will hurt both of you.

Originally Posted by mfer

Thanks for more perspective guys. This is really good stuff. And Leighton, you are right about gravitating towards the same people. I talked to a professional about this and I always went for the quiet, non-confident ones for some reason, when what I really wanted is openly communicative and confident. She is total different is many positive ways. I think you hit the nail on the head.

And we are doing 100mph, but if feels right!!!