Scale of Drunkeness

[Launch Mini]

Subject: State of Drunkeness

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M.
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels like s#!t. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't
pissed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one
big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in
perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during
the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is
seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your
body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented
fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[mailman]

Oh boy. I've been in all stages listed

[wildsidemtb]

Launch Mini that is Art

I think I once got to level 6!

[Andad]

Mi hole lif flahshed beefor mi iis.