Who would like to win a Breitling cap?

[Vanessa CW21]

We have an extra, brand new, Breitling cap laying around at the store, and I guess it would be nice if I could give it to one of you fine forum members if it's something you'd like to have...

Whoever writes the funniest story, less than 100 words, and not an actual joke, can be the lucky new owner of the cap! You have until Sunday (Jan.28) 8 p.m. PST.


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[MonBK]

There was a man from......................

Nah, I'm out

Fine gesture Vanessa.

[BBL]

Hey Vanessa. Haven't seen much of you on forum. Hope all is well there. Happy New Year, belated!!
DM

[GSDLover]

My first german shepherd loved golf. He would walk the course with me on late evenings and even watch TV broadcasts and jump at the "ball" when the players hit.
We would chip balls in my front yard and he would try and catch them.
After a while, I started noticing the balls I would leave in the yard were disappearing. It was obvious that one of the neighbors from the nearby condos was picking them up. The balls were grass-stained, scratched and not keepers, but I was annoyed.
So....I started dipping the balls in dog poo (readily available) and would leave the soiled side facing down. They looked fine, until you picked them up.
Didn't work. They still would disappear. No big deal, I found many when I played.
Months later, I was out in the front yard doing work when a woman who was walking by, said "Hi" and mentioned how much she enjoyed watching my dog and I play as she drove by. I eventually mentioned my issue with the balls and told her what I did. I expected a smile but she had a sick look on her face.
It seems her husband was coming home with balls and washing them in the kitchen sink. I can only imagine how he dried them off, etc.
There was a happy ending though. My balls quit disappearing.

[nick c]

*WOMAN*. . . . . . . . .

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day.......

An angel came by and asked." Why spend so much time on her?"

The lord answered. "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"

●She must function on all kinds of situations.
●She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time.
●Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart.
●She must do all this with only two hands.
●She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day.

THE ANGEL was impressed" Just two hands.....impossible!

And this is the standard model?"

The Angel came closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord".
"She is soft", said the Lord,
"But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome"

"Can she think?" The Angel asked...
The Lord answered. "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate".

The Angel touched her cheeks....
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her".
"She is not leaking...it is a tear". The Lord corrected the Angel…

"What's it for?" Asked the Angel..... .
The Lord said. "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."...

This made a big impression on the Angel,
"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything.
A woman is indeed marvellous"

Lord said ."Indeed she is.
■She has strength that amazes a man.
■She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
■She holds happiness, love and opinions.
■She smiles when she feels like screaming.
■She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.
■She fights for what she believes in.
■Her love is unconditional.
■Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life"

The Angel asked: So she is a perfect being?
The lord replied: No. She has just one drawback.
"She often forgets what she is worth".

[TheVTCGuy]

True story:

A friend set me up with a woman that lived a couple hundred miles away. After some enjoyable phone conversations we agree I would drive up and take her to dinner. When I arrived in the area I couldn’t find the place, lots of very nice houses with long drives, but looked and looked (this is in the days before GPS). Finally, I find it, 40 Maple street. Knock on the front door and a man answers, I introduce myself and say I am hear to pick up Lisa. The man looks suprised but says: “Leesi? Please come in, my name is John Blah blah. A woman approaches and he introduces his wife, I am invited to sit in the living room. Nice fireplace, offered a drink, nice conversation with the couple, I was very relaxed and comfortable after the long drive. Finally the man says: “I don’t know what to say Paul but Leesi isn’t here” Not the first time I had been stood up, I wonder if they’ll feed me dinner? The man continues, “She took the kids to the movies” KIDS!?!?! “Ever since the divorce.....” DIVORCE!?!?!? Finally, I ask:,,,, “Uhm.... is this... 40 Maple Street?”




I was in the wrong house.


Epilogue: My dates name was Lisa, she was living at home while going through Nursing school, this couple’s daughter was named Allyssa, but they called her Leesi. She had just gone through a divorce and moved back in with her parents... with the kids. What are the odds I pick that house? The question remains, how does one respectfully extricate himself from such an embarassing situation and retain any amount of decency? ... ... No clue

[Barry A]

Thanks Venessa, here is mine.

True story, we just moved into a new house across town and I had listed some old stuff on Craigslist that I didn’t want to go through the hassle of moving. One item was for 60 - 24X24 cement pavers. All together they had to weigh a ton.

After just a few emails I got a full price offer with conditions. The guy would send me a money order and would send his shipping company to come pick it up since he lived in another state.

Oldest scam in the book, so I replied back that I would be at his mama’s house later so there is no reason to send a money order I could just pick up the cash from her. He replied back just one word, “@sshole” ... I died laughing. :)

[august1410]

Awesome! Count me in!

A long time ago, I worked as an assistant manager of a car rental office. One afternoon, I get a panicked call from a customer telling me she had locked the keys in the car and needed someone to bring a spare set immediately. I advised her we did not keep spare keys in the local office and they were at our home office, about two hours away. I offered to call a locksmith for her and she agreed, regardless of the cost. I told her I would call them as soon as I was off the telephone with her.

Her response: "Well, tell them it's an emergency and to hurry. The top is down and it's about to rain."

[AK797]

Originally Posted by MonBK

There was a man from......................

Nah, I'm out

Fine gesture Vanessa.

Hey, I tried the Man from Nantucket, didn't work last time...

Nice gesture! Interesting timing as I was just looking at a grey dial Avenger Skyland and DJ41.

[BristolCavendish]

That's actually a pretty cool-looking cap. The logo is bold, contrasts nicely with the blue and symbolically, it would go over most people's heads (no pun intended).

I'd consider contributing a story but a sizable number of readers wouldn't believe it anyway.

[breitlings]

My screen name is breitlings, but I now prefer rolex. I like to travel but hate to fly. I love land rovers but hate to own them.

[august1410]

Well, my story was 118 words. I write newspaper columns that are on average 800 words. I can't tell any story in less than 100 words. :)

[HogwldFLTR]

Back in the mid '70s I got my first degree, a BGS, from a small Lutheran college in Cols. OH. I had two jobs, one in a warehouse and one at night in a porno movie theater a few blocks from the school. One day at the theater the pop corn machine broke. My friend Sally was working concession, one of the pervs (we called them pervs not customers) came by asking to buy a bucket of pop corn. She said "the machine is broken." He replied, "can I just buy the bucket?" Later I was asked by another friend to help with janitorial duties; I was amazed by the number of emptied popcorn buckets with their contents dumped on the floor.

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by HogwldFLTR

Back in the mid '70s I got my first degree, a BGS, from a small Lutheran college in Cols. OH. I had two jobs, one in a warehouse and one at night in a porno movie theater a few blocks from the school. One day at the theater the pop corn machine broke. My friend Sally was working concession, one of the pervs (we called them pervs not customers) came by asking to buy a bucket of pop corn. She said "the machine is broken." He replied, "can I just buy the bucket?" Later I was asked by another friend to help with janitorial duties; I was amazed by the number of emptied popcorn buckets with their contents dumped on the floor.

Is that a ten gallon hat cowboy, or are you just happy to see me?

[HogwldFLTR]

Originally Posted by Abdullah71601

Is that a ten gallon hat cowboy, or are you just happy to see me?

Madeline Kahn was great in that role in what of my favorite movies of all times. Actual quote was, "handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?" Fiction I'm certain based on someone's experience!!!

[Vanessa CW21]

GSD Lover and TheVTCguy both made me laugh... Hmm I can't choose!! Someone help me please!

[Vanessa CW21]

Originally Posted by HogwldFLTR

Back in the mid '70s I got my first degree, a BGS, from a small Lutheran college in Cols. OH. I had two jobs, one in a warehouse and one at night in a porno movie theater a few blocks from the school. One day at the theater the pop corn machine broke. My friend Sally was working concession, one of the pervs (we called them pervs not customers) came by asking to buy a bucket of pop corn. She said "the machine is broken." He replied, "can I just buy the bucket?" Later I was asked by another friend to help with janitorial duties; I was amazed by the number of emptied popcorn buckets with their contents dumped on the floor.

That's too gross to be really funny...

[Vanessa CW21]

Originally Posted by august1410

Awesome! Count me in!

A long time ago, I worked as an assistant manager of a car rental office. One afternoon, I get a panicked call from a customer telling me she had locked the keys in the car and needed someone to bring a spare set immediately. I advised her we did not keep spare keys in the local office and they were at our home office, about two hours away. I offered to call a locksmith for her and she agreed, regardless of the cost. I told her I would call them as soon as I was off the telephone with her.

Her response: "Well, tell them it's an emergency and to hurry. The top is down and it's about to rain."

That can't be for real?? That must be one of those adapted "dumb blonde" jokes!

[august1410]

Originally Posted by Vanessa CW21

That can't be for real?? That must be one of those adapted "dumb blonde" jokes!

If I hadn’t experienced it first hand, I would agree with you. I said the same thing when it happened. I thought I had been pranked.


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[swatty]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

I'd consider contributing a story but a sizable number of readers wouldn't believe it anyway.

This made me chuckle Bristol

Nice gesture Vanessa

[GSDLover]

Originally Posted by Vanessa CW21

GSD Lover and TheVTCguy both made me laugh... Hmm I can't choose!! Someone help me please!

Hi Vanessa,
That hat is really cool looking and I would love to own it, but I don't actually own a Breitling. Therefore, if the VTCguy owns a Breitling it would mean more to him. I defer.
Thanks for the kind offer.

[Vanessa CW21]

Originally Posted by GSDLover

Hi Vanessa,
That hat is really cool looking and I would love to own it, but I don't actually own a Breitling. Therefore, if the VTCguy owns a Breitling it would mean more to him. I defer.
Thanks for the kind offer.

Aww that's nice! Let me see if I can find a runner-up gift! I have to have something laying around...





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[Canefan1]

Originally Posted by Vanessa CW21

Aww that's nice! Let me see if I can find a runner-up gift! I have to have something laying around...





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Soo cool of you.Thx for being cool.

[Vanessa CW21]

Originally Posted by Canefan1

Soo cool of you.Thx for being cool.

Hahaha, it's my pleasure
Thank you

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[Beo3]

Thirty years ago I was a policeman working midnight's in the South Bronx, here in NYC. For those who don't know, it was a pretty rough place. Anyhow, we receive a radio run of a man down in a tenement apartment. As my partner and I enter we are met by a very inebriated older man who informs us that his dead friend on the floor had "Seesaws" prior to his demise because he had not been taking his "Peanut butter balls". As we stood there scratching our heads we finally arrived at the conclusion that he had SEIZURES from not taking his prescribed PHENOBARBITAL.
You have to love the ghetto..

[TheVTCGuy]

Vanessa, I am usually not a squealer, but I overheared EVERY other poster on this thread say bad things about you!

Of course I defended your honor

[Vanessa CW21]

Originally Posted by TheVTCGuy

Vanessa, I am usually not a squealer, but I overheared EVERY other poster on this thread say bad things about you!

Of course I defended your honor

Save it, you've already won! Where do you want me to send the hat? Unless you want to come pick it up

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[Canefan1]

Originally Posted by TheVTCGuy

Vanessa, I am usually not a squealer, but I overheared EVERY other poster on this thread say bad things about you!

Of course I defended your honor

[Canefan1]

Originally Posted by Vanessa CW21

Save it, you've already won! Where do you want me to send the hat? Unless you want to come pick it up

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[TheVTCGuy]

Originally Posted by Vanessa CW21

Save it, you've already won! Where do you want me to send the hat? Unless you want to come pick it up

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Woo Hoo!!!!!!

PMing you my address, I would come up and get it but will be out of town for a while.