Steven Wright.

[idk01]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously
erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind
sees things differently from most of us, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And my all time favorite -
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

[Numismatist]

I love this guy, he's even funnier on TV. He talks in such a slow drawl voice. A riot!

[idk01]

Originally Posted by Numismatist

I love this guy, he's even funnier on TV. He talks in such a slow drawl voice. A riot!

X2, cracks me up big time,love his humor and his delivery is classic :-)

[Rockrolex]

I love his stuff.

[Kokyuryoku]

I just checked him out on Youtube. Fantastic!!! Thanks

[JJ Irani]

[Timber Loftis]

Awesome comedian. I had to do stand-up for an acting class once, and he was a big influence on how I wrote the performance.

And if you haven't done it, it's a scary thrill to do stand-up.

[idk01]

Originally Posted by Timber Loftis

Awesome comedian. I had to do stand-up for an acting class once, and he was a big influence on how I wrote the performance.

And if you haven't done it, it's a scary thrill to do stand-up.

The closest I have come to stand up is theater sports, a bit like comedy club with full audience participation, man it was a riot! add alcohol and it was off and running

[figbo]

Love #4!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[boa2]

He's hilarious! You might also enjoy a comedian of a similar vein, Mitch Hedberg:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

[Bisquitlips]

[slc1310]

[onkyo]

[TimeToGo]

Excellent!

[idk01]

Awesome Howard, I'll have to have a look around for Mitch Hedberg's material, I'm always up for a good laugh, these are excellent

[Lion]

Excellent sayings!!!

[swatty]

Very good guys

[hflee55]

[coddger]