Marriage: how often are there arguments?

[Clockmeister]

These questions are based on marriages that are approximately 10 +
years.

Are most marriages when both are best friends?
How often are there arguments, and/or resentments?
How often do you think about divorcing?
How many people you know seem to have a healthy relationship?
How many are glad or regret getting divorced?
How many re-marry or have a relationship?

Any comments are appreciated.
Thank You

[330ci]

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

[Clockmeister]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

Seems you might be a therapist. Logical and wise recommendations.
We’ve been married for 30 years. Even the day we married we had an argument and reluctantly didn’t even want to go to dinner.

I’m laid back, she is domineering and yells. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has her a ESTJ. I’m a ISFJ. Enneagram, she is an 8, I’m a 6.
It’s not easy at all and many times draining.

Finance wise, we would both take a big hit.

[Clockmeister]

In two psychologists opinion, people really don’t change. We are born with a core personality which doesn’t change.

In terms of marriage or a long term relationship, I would think how a couple gets along is paramount.

Jordan Peterson believes a divorce in their 50’s and older usually results in an unhappy person. And states in one of his YouTubes that during a healthy marriage one will become a better arguer which is positive.

[AzPaul]

John Cleese played a marriage counselor on an old episode of 'Cheers', and his character had a line that really stuck with me.

"The only thing that opposites attract is divorce."

[Clockmeister]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

John Cleese played a marriage counselor on an old episode of 'Cheers', and his character had a line that really stuck with me.

"The only thing that opposites attract is divorce."

Interesting.

[mountainjogger]

Originally Posted by Clockmeister

Seems you might be a therapist. Logical and wise recommendations.
We’ve been married for 30 years. Even the day we married we had an argument and reluctantly didn’t even want to go to dinner.

I’m laid back, she is domineering and yells. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has her a ESTJ. I’m a ISFJ. Enneagram, she is an 8, I’m a 6.
It’s not easy at all and many times draining.

Finance wise, we would both take a big hit.

See if she will agree to professional counseling. You have noting to loose and much to gain. Good luck to both of you.

[Boopie]

Originally Posted by Clockmeister

Seems you might be a therapist. Logical and wise recommendations.
We’ve been married for 30 years. Even the day we married we had an argument and reluctantly didn’t even want to go to dinner.

I’m laid back, she is domineering and yells. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has her a ESTJ. I’m a ISFJ. Enneagram, she is an 8, I’m a 6.
It’s not easy at all and many times draining.

Finance wise, we would both take a big hit.

Married 31 years. We have very similar values in so many crucial areas, but of course also argue and disagree. Criticism, however, needs to come from a place of love and respect.

One question to ask is, do you make each other better? I believe that we have and we do.

A wise person once observed that often the things that attracted us to our spouses are also what drive us crazy about them.

Marriage, when done well, is supposed to make us better, more mature people. It does require work. We have to set aside time to nurture it. We can’t take each other for granted. We completely trust each other, and respect each other.

You may be interested in seeing some of Jordan Peterson’s videos on relationships (available on You Tube). He discusses how marriage is supposed to make us better, but that comes about by challenging each other. We aren’t perfect beings, but we get better with genuine feedback (as we do in every other area of life). He quotes studies about ratios of positive to negative interactions with one’s spouse. It’s something like 4:1 at a minimum. So, if one’s interactions with a spouse are negative 50% of the time, that’s bad. The converse is that something like 20:1 isn’t good, either, because that means that one person is always putting on a happy face, but is probably being a weak pushover, and lets resentment build up. There are so many men who think their marriage is wonderful, and are completely caught off guard when their wives tell them they’re through, and they want a divorce. Asking for a divorce should not be a surprise to the other. It should be obvious the marriage is on the skids. If it’s not, then there isn’t honesty in a relationship.

Radio host Dennis Prager also sets aside an hour a week on his show for the “male/female hour,” where he discusses relationship issues candidly with callers. I’ve learned so much over the years from his callers, as there is a lot of collective wisdom out there about relationships and marriage. The radio shows are recorded and available as podcasts. It might be worth it for you to check out his website and see if those shows interest you enough to subscribe.

[Clockmeister]

Originally Posted by Boopie

Married 31 years. We have very similar values in so many crucial areas, but of course also argue and disagree. Criticism, however, needs to come from a place of love and respect.

One question to ask is, do you make each other better? I believe that we have and we do.

A wise person once observed that often the things that attracted us to our spouses are also what drive us crazy about them.

Marriage, when done well, is supposed to make us better, more mature people. It does require work. We have to set aside time to nurture it. We can’t take each other for granted. We completely trust each other, and respect each other.

You may be interested in seeing some of Jordan Peterson’s videos on relationships (available on You Tube). He discusses how marriage is supposed to make us better, but that comes about by challenging each other. We aren’t perfect beings, but we get better with genuine feedback (as we do in every other area of life). He quotes studies about ratios of positive to negative interactions with one’s spouse. It’s something like 4:1 at a minimum. So, if one’s interactions with a spouse are negative 50% of the time, that’s bad. The converse is that something like 20:1 isn’t good, either, because that means that one person is always putting on a happy face, but is probably being a weak pushover, and lets resentment build up. There are so many men who think their marriage is wonderful, and are completely caught off guard when their wives tell them they’re through, and they want a divorce. Asking for a divorce should not be a surprise to the other. It should be obvious the marriage is on the skids. If it’s not, then there isn’t honesty in a relationship.

Radio host Dennis Prager also sets aside an hour a week on his show for the “male/female hour,” where he discusses relationship issues candidly with callers. I’ve learned so much over the years from his callers, as there is a lot of collective wisdom out there about relationships and marriage. The radio shows are recorded and available as podcasts. It might be worth it for you to check out his website and see if those shows interest you enough to subscribe.

Thank you and everyone who contributed.
I also like Jordan Peterson and saw the one you are referring to. He also emphasized a divorce after 50 usually means a decrease in one’s quality of life.
The key is respect, imho more important than “being in love” with a spouse for 30 years.
My wife and I are from totally different cultures (and countries) which means in my case different expectations; different ways of talking in terms of tone. I understand in her culture one has to be tough to manage.
I realize it doesn’t matter where two people are from. Respect and getting along.

[Clockmeister]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTt649Hvtxs&autoplay=1

This song “we loved each other but couldn’t get along” from
“The Love I lost” by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes.

[BNA/LION]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet...

This is very good advice! 100% agree with this full post.

[Moondoggy]

Originally Posted by bna/lion

this is very good advice! 100% agree with this full post.

+1.

[minute_man]

Originally Posted by 330ci

I don't have a clue what is going on in your relationship. But I can 100% guarantee you're not going to solve your problems talking to random strangers on the internet.

Personally it seems you're asking questions guiding you to negative outcomes.

If I were in a 10+ yr long relationship that was going south, I'd ask myself what is different in the relationship now than it was 10 years ago, what can I do to rectify it. Then after making positive changes in my actions, I would express concerns I had with my partners behavior, possibly seek professional outside council to intermediate(marriage counselor) and would seek private counseling as well as encourage my partner to do the same.

Relationships rarely fail overnight, and many times are ended in haste instead of putting in an effort to rebuild.

Studies show that couples that work through major transgressions usually come out bonded stronger than those that end the relationship to seek greener pastures elsewhere.

The time, and emotional investment into relationships shouldn't be abandoned lightly. I wouldn't look at others failures and use them to justify my own, I would search out those who have healthy relationships and see what they're doing differently than the bulk of people who can't seem to hold down a relationship.

If you make it 10 years with someone, I really can't imagine there being too many compatibility issues unless it was really doomed from the start.

asset dissolution, retirement plans and other things related to long stability would factor into my plans. Depending on how finances were planned could even further complicate the breakup and bring up more unintended consequences down the line.

Divorce really is an overutilized tool in modern society. I've never met a couple who worked through their issues regret it, you can always quit tomorrow. But I have met countless couples who regretted not putting in more effort before throwing in the towel.

Excellent post and advice.

OP, if you've made it this far, it can't have been all wrong.

[Beo3]

Let me be the first to reply.

My wife and I have been married 27 years and dated for about three before then. I was 27, and she 24 when we married.

I am very happy in my marriage, and yes, there are times where she wants to smother me with a pillow, but it passes fairly quickly.

We very seldom argue, but when the kids were young we fought all the time. I am a disciplinarian, while she was more maternal and let the kids slide more often than not. They have all grow up to be outstanding citizens and all have a stupendous work ethic. I would like to be believe that sprung out of not spoiling them rotten and forcing them to all work as soon as they were eligible too.

The topic of divorce has never come into our relationship, possibly because I wouldn't want to give her half (lol) and that we love each other too much.

I think the key is to be equally fair to one another and not criticize the tiny mistakes. Yes, relationships are difficult, but so is every other aspect of life.

I do have friends, who will be over in two hours for cocktails, who are prime candidates for divorce. They hate each other, and he is terribly abusive to her. Not physically, but mentally. Why they haven't separated is beyond me.

Overall, the majority of my friends are happily married and intend to stay that way.

Finally, my wife allows me to continue this insane habit of horology, but she to benefits with a new watch every year or so.

[Dan Pierce]

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

[Jocke]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

How was the other 30?

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

I'm probably not qualified to answer but been married for 36 years. Happily married for six.
dP

Dan you make me smile.

[Dan Pierce]

Originally Posted by Jocke

How was the other 30?

We're still working on that part, my friend. You met her, you know what I have to deal with!

Originally Posted by brandrea

Dan you make me smile.

Brian, you know I'm one of the lucky ones who's in it for the long hall and blessed with a wife that would put up with a PITA like me. My parents were married 67 years by the time my mom died. Along w/ my wonderful in-laws, they set a high bar.

I constantly remind my wife when I paraphrase the lyrics to Keith Richard's Before They Make Me Run, you're gonna find your way to heaven cause you did your time in hell.
dP

[Star Ferry]

In my experience, disagreements are inevitable but “fights” are miserable. If a woman wants to fight I’ll show her to the door promptly. No interest in that.

[Mifune]

Power struggles are the spice of life...

[mountainjogger]

Sorry, meant counseling for both of you as a couple.

[singe89]

Married 10 years in March but been together almost 23 years. High school sweethearts.

Can’t say there are any true arguments or resentments. We disagree all the time but as best friends we try to understand where the other person is coming from. Actually still working from home coming up on 3 years now after selling my company so around her and the kids constantly too.

Never thought of divorcing, actually the opposite now that our kids are 8,7 and 3 on how to start spending more time traveling the world together again. Hard to travel with young kids.

Everyone of my close friends is from HS as well, got married before us and still together. Had some business friends and partners get divorced but most seemed to be for financial and/or selfish reasons.

We are all late 30s or turning 40 though so things might change in the next decade plus.

[OYptL]

Ask 50 people and you’ll get 50 different answers.

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by OYptL

Ask 50 people and you’ll get 50 different answers.

This is exactly right

Successful marriage is more about what you give than what you get IMO.

When both partners receive what they need from one another, you’ve found Nirvana

[TswaneNguni]

Originally Posted by OYptL

Ask 50 people and you’ll get 50 different answers.

..ask someone over 50 and you will get the right answer .

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by TswaneNguni

..ask someone over 50 and you will get the right answer .

This is gold I actually had this conversation with my wife just the other day.

We both concluded that for many, and especially in today’s world, you don’t even really know who “you” are until your 40’s. Marriage in younger years is very hit and miss, was our conclusion.

The pity, is that woman are in a clock, so if having children is part of the equation, you have to get at it younger in life, and take your chances that things work out.

I guess the frozen egg thing is an option too, it’s just not that romantic

[Chewbacca]

I would inverse the question.

[77T]

Arguments are weaponized discussions among the selfish. Each person must work on their own form of generosity and altruism, because we are born selfish.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[JasoninDenver]

Originally Posted by 77T

Arguments are weaponized discussions among the selfish. Each person must work on their own form of generosity and altruism, because we are born selfish.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Bravo.

[JasoninDenver]

Married to my first wife for 2.5 years.

Pure torture for most of that time but stayed with it because she was 75% of what I thought I wanted in a partner. Honestly, I feared it would likely fail but hoped we could grow together and work on our problems. Everyone says marriage is work so I thought what I was going through was the work they meant.

We fought like cats and dogs over BS. Me not so much fighting as getting yelled at for some indeterminate infraction. Pulled the plug on that one after our counselor asked me if I would be happy in the relationship if nothing actually changed. I looked over at my wife in that session and said “I am done”.

I never thought I would marry again but started dating my now wife six months after my divorce was final. We disagree for sure, but we respect each other and are each willing to compromise. I quickly realized that this respect is what makes a great marriage.

Is she my best friend. Well, she is the one person in the world that I trust completely. I honestly treasure every moment we spend together. I have not had one single thought of ever divorcing her. In fact, I have nightmares that she might divorce me.

We will celebrate our 15th anniversary next week.