A few one-liners

[Uncle-AJ]

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

18. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says: "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

24. Two cannibals eating a clown.One says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

25. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

26. Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

27. He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

28. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Can't you tell? This my livelihood.'

29. So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said, 'We'll start with one.' He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?' 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

30. I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?'
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a van.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

31. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

32. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

33. So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

34. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

35. So I rang up a local building firm. I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

36. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.And then he rang up second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.'

[alpet]

LOL Adrian...I gotta use some of those!!

[Gedanken]

OWWWWW!

[Bisquitlips]