inlaw trials and tribulations

[blassy]

So I've posted before about the stress they cause. Both older and moved away to the west coast away from all the family here. 3 daughters here (one of them my wife of course) and grandchildren. Pretty broke and drove out there spending their last money on a tank of gas. Renting there and living hand to mouth despite both having a couple pensions....I digress.
Despite other family, I have always been the generous one. Offered to fly them back a few times (3K each time) and flew them to florida to join us for a week last year including a free place to stay. They've never picked up a tab at a restaurant or offered to pay for groceries during their stay. They're my kids' grandparents and think I've been pretty generous despite her other siblings and spouses never helping out.
Just got an email saying....Hey...seat sale going on but we can only afford one ticket so can you buy the other one?
So now I'm mad. Am I wrong? I don't mind offering despite being the only one that does, but to be so bold as to ask for a plane ticket?
Granted these are the same people that asked me for a 40K loan so they could get out from being upside down on their mortgage so shouldn't totally surprise me.
Still....I'm leaning towards saying no..or offering to pay my share.

[christianj]

Sounds like you have done more than your share of flipping the bill so I think putting the brakes on it and offering to pay a portion as long as all the other kids contribute is a more than fair solution. Question...how does your wife feel about this? I think she should tell them what your ultimate decision is as they are her parents. Making decisions like this are never easy and putting a stop to something is sometimes even more difficult but from your post it seems like they have come to expect you paying and IMHO this would need to stop if I were in your shoes.

[Wesley Crusher]

Reply back with this gif:

[cop414]

Tough love, if your wife's on board I'd say no. Rough situation no matter how you look at it though. You're not doing them any real favors by constantly giving them money, just my

[SDRider]

What does your wife say? I'd say that whatever keeps her happy is most important.

Best of luck!

[austinp]

Every situation is different. But as long as I can afford it, I help out my family whenever I can.

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[Maybelline]

I'd stop the madness now and say no.

[sco]

Ugh, obviously a touchy situation. After 40K, I wouldn't really be looking to spend any more at this point. Them asking you for a ticket is way over the top for sure. It seems like they will continue to bleed you dry and take advantage of your kindness until you too, are broke. I would get the other siblings involved and have them pay for the ticket personally. Good Luck..

[RichM]

Originally Posted by Maybelline

I'd stop the madness now and say no.

This. You've been more than generous and now they're taking advantage. I'd cry the blues to them. They should understand that.

[BristolCavendish]

Here's what I'd do. Tell them that you'd like to help them out (as you have in the past) but now that your children are getting older, you need to be setting aside some money/resources for their college education. As parents, they should understand.

Only drawback. If your kids are already in their 30s, this explanation may not fly.

[tamiya]

Originally Posted by BristolCavendish

As parents, they should understand.

Only drawback. If your kids are already in their 30s, this explanation may not fly.

When my kids have a rotation of Rolex for their wrist and a fleet of Rolls Royces in their driveway, I'm not ashamed to go tapping them too...

[BiH115]

Originally Posted by austinp

Every situation is different. But as long as I can afford it, I help out my family whenever I can.

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Sure, but there's a limit. If the other person, despite being family, never repays the favor, what are you really doing? You're just enabling them and making the message clear that your pockets are open 24/7, with no expectations of repayment. When I help people out, I don't expect to be repaid immediately, but repayment comes in many ways. Whether it be a meal, a drink, a simple thank you, it all counts, and I would offer the same to someone helping me.

OP, pump the brakes, you're getting taken advantage of, but the key here is that you're aware of it.

[colpol]

Originally Posted by Maybelline

I'd stop the madness now and say no.

Agree. Hardest thing is saying no the first time.

[teqp]

The old saying goes, give 'em an inch and they take a mile. I would have a real heart to heart with your wife to express your concerns/displeasure with them thinking you are their ATM. You can cite the many times you have helped them, but you are not trying to taken advantage of by them and not planning to always bail them out. Your wife has other siblings that need to step up. Maybe she can talk to them?

I really hope your wife understands and agrees with your position. Good luck!

[AK797]

Make them earn it. There must be something they can do for you, so that way you are helping them but it's not all one way. Just like kids should do chores to earn pocket money and learn its value, so these guys need a new lesson.

[blassy]

SO...update for you. Called. Turns out they can't even afford one ticket. Spent all their money to go visit her other sister when they visit in BC where they live... so now they need us to buy 2 tickets. For the record...they haven't spoken to that daughter in 2 years and she finally extended an olive branch so they're all in on that visit.
What I'm trying to explain...it's not the money...it's the circumstances. I'm all for keeping family close. I lost both my parents and my brother within 6 years so I have none. My kids are 5 and 2 and love their grandparents but this was their choice to move out there and broke.
Short end of this stick is starting to poke me in some pretty special places.........

[r8t3d_M]

Have you spoken to your wife about this yet? I think it might be best to share your feelings with her before making a decision.

[blassy]

We spoke. Told her to do whatever she wanted to do and I'd support her. Her family and not her fault. Saving my anger for here to do my venting.
She knows I get fed up and apologizes...she hates they do this but again it isn't her fault for wanting her own parents around. If she decides to fly them in I'll zip and say how excited the kids will be to see them.
Then I'll drink a glass of scotch or 5 when everyone is asleep.

[Wesley Crusher]

The bigger issue is your wife not taking issue with the way her parents act or not telling them about it. Wanting them around has nothing to do with telling them that they are financially abusive.

[goin camping]

Looks like a situation a lot of Dads have to put up with. Taking the shot and shutting up for the greater good.

Flaky inlays and you have the children who love them. The money you spend will matter to your kids who want to see the Grandparents. They won't know what you had to endure for their happiness but that is being a parent.

[austinp]

Originally Posted by goin camping

Looks like a situation a lot of Dads have to put up with. Taking the shot and shutting up for the greater good.

Flaky inlays and you have the children who love them. The money you spend will matter to your kids who want to see the Grandparents. They won't know what you had to endure for their happiness but that is being a parent.

Well said.

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[tuffness9999]

Personally, I feel this sort of manipulation needs to end. It's great that your wife and kids love their grandparents, but there is only so much that a man can take.

Make this the last trip you pay for. Take on whatever expenses that come from their visit and once it's about to wrap up, maybe on the final night prior to their departure, have a face to face, eye to eye talk with your father in law.

Easier said than done, but letting him know that these sorts of things will not happen anymore and that he needs to reach out to other family members to help with travel expenses. You are willing to put in an equal share as his other kids, but not a penny more.

I think in the end, if he's a good man, he will respect you for talking with him man to man.

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[swils8610]

Let your wife decided assuming it won't cause you and financial hardship.


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[brandrea]

I'm really sorry to hear this Chris. I can't imagine the stress this puts you under, and your relationship with your wife and others must be going through some challenges because of it.

Having said that, I'd say it's time to stop enabling them. Sounds to me like it'll only get worse if you keep dolling out. It may sound harsh, but I keep money separated from family and friends. I've had negative experiences and it never ends well. Now people know just not to ask. I'd almost rather lend money to complete strangers.

I hope it works out for you.

[JP Chestnut]

The appropriate setting of expectations is important. You've created the expectation that this sort of thing is OK. Now if you push back, guess what happens? You become the jerk, despite being the most giving.

People have a problem when behavior deviates from expectation. Lame but true. My wife's stupid parents have proven it time and time again.

[Old Geezer]

That's a terrible situation but I guess most families have those characters that live carelessly and expect others to save them from their own stupidity.
I can appreciate how much it sucks to be taken advantage of by your in laws and the other siblings that don't chip in but it sounds like your wife doesn't see it or is willing to look the other way. They are after all her parents and for the sake of the kids.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably suck it up and buy the airfares. At some point after they visited, I'd have a discussion with my wife and see if I could figure out a way to reduce the financial burden of her deadbeat parents.

[Canefan1]

If you're able to help, help.

[GB-man]

Not unless it's a drop in the bucket for you.

My thoughts are if you're very well off then family is...

If you're working for a living then you, your wife and your kids come first end of story.

[Bigblu10]

Time for "tough love". Learn how to say NO and liberate yourself from guilt. Enabling is an addiction.

[Canefan1]

Originally Posted by GB-man

Not unless it's a drop in the bucket for you.

My thoughts are if you're very well off then family is...

If you're working for a living then you, your wife and your kids come first end of story.

You put it perfect Tom. In recent years I have really been in situations I would wish on no one. I do have an immediate family member who shunned me and it is brutal. Just brutal.