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21 April 2009, 12:42 AM | #1 |
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The fear
The fear to end all fears.
Does anybody else fear losing a loved one? Your husband/wife or child? I'm sure many wouldn't like to think about it but it really does play on my mind...often keeps me up at night. I know it's a depressing subject but I also don't know how good I'd be at supporting my wife if something did happen to our boy. I hope it's not an elephant in the room subject but these things get to me and I get concerned about depression etc. J |
21 April 2009, 12:51 AM | #2 |
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professional intervention??
Jim:
It is human and natural to worry about the loss of your wife and/or child. However, if you are obsessed with it, it's time to get professional help. You must determine if your anxiety level has risen to the point where it is interfering with normal functioning in society, or is disrupting sleep so as to require psychiatric/psychologic intervention. I have a son(med student/USAF) and a daughter(12, grade level student), whom I worry a little about each day. However, if it got to the point where I was worried about them constantly and to the point that I was losing sleep, I would seek professional help. (It can and has been argued that I need help, anyway, just on different grounds. ). best, Dan |
21 April 2009, 12:57 AM | #3 | |
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21 April 2009, 12:59 AM | #4 |
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It doesn't really interfere with my life...I might just have a night where I have a nightmare and then it plays on my mind and I can't get back to sleep.
I'd say about 1 night in 15 I might have a bad dream or something like that. I will admit I'm uncomfortable around grief. That worries me as I personally feel I would only seriously grieve if I lost Claire or William. Sounds weird but my relationship with the rest of my family is an odd one. I worry about Claire's relationship with her family, she talks to her mother twice a day and if she lost her I think she would fall apart. We had a scare a few years ago and Claire just fell apart. I think if anything ever happened to William, I don't know how I could cope or support her whilst dealing with my own pain. That sounds really selfish and rotten, it isn't meant to. I'm just emotionally unequipped to deal with other's pain and I recognise my discomfort. You see Dan, it's things like this that make me worry! J |
21 April 2009, 01:10 AM | #5 |
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Again Jim, your expressed thoughts are common to all of us who live and breath on this earth. I'm not saying to discount your feelings, they are important and can cause anxiety. But know that you and Claire are not alone in your thoughts. My son is 24 years old and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him. Also my wife of 30 years, again if something happened I would grieve for a long time. But life goes on and I know I must move forward and live my life to the best of my abilities!!!
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SS GMT-II 16710 PEPSI(Z-serial#) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND BOYS IS THE PRICE OF THE TOYS!!! MontBlanc Meisterstuck Doue Silver Barley MontBlanc Meisterstuck Solitaire Doue Signum Proud Card Carrying Member of the Curmudgeons.....Yikes!!! |
21 April 2009, 01:28 AM | #6 |
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Just Remember to tell them both everyday how much you love them. My next-door neighbor died in a car crash a few years back and his wife told us that they had fought all week and she hadn't been very nice to him. They found a dozen roses with a card he had bought for her in the car. He was only 32 and they had 2 little boys.
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21 April 2009, 01:32 AM | #7 |
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part of you adjusting to the new demands and responsibilities of being a Dad, sounds quite normal, you are just trying to get your new life into perspective. You know your own mental health and am sure you would know if things were getting out of hand.
I would worry more about your DIY skills Mr Bean |
21 April 2009, 01:42 AM | #8 | |
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I tell them every morning and night. I also tell them I will miss them and I have missed them. They mean the world to me. J |
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21 April 2009, 01:43 AM | #9 | |
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21 April 2009, 01:47 AM | #10 |
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My view is a little different. This is how I wake up on weekends. As I am waking up I hear various voices saying things like; "Is he breathing"; "Look at all the slobber"; "Man he sure looks and smells dead"; "Oh man, I think he just farted...do the dead fart"; "Look at the world's smallest tentpole"; "Oh no, I think it is moving". Then I open my eyes to see five pair of eyes looking at me yelling, "Mum, not our lucky day as dad just woke up".
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21 April 2009, 01:49 AM | #11 |
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21 April 2009, 01:52 AM | #12 | |
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21 April 2009, 01:57 AM | #13 | |
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21 April 2009, 01:58 AM | #14 | |
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21 April 2009, 02:01 AM | #15 |
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It's funny this thread happened to come up. For the last few weeks, that's all that's been on my mind. (Really depressing I know), dying, your mother/father dying, etc. You can't think about it all the time, otherwise you'd go nuts. Everyone must die, it's a natural part of life. Just to me I get SOOO scared of dying, etc. that sometimes that's all I think about. I know that's not healthy at all, so I just try and think about other things. It's not easy, but heck, everyone dies, so I guess the fact that no one has come back to tell us what it's like has me worried the most. I know this will probably turn into a religious thread, but keeping religion out of the equation, the best way to overcome this, IMO is to just force your mind to think about positive things.
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21 April 2009, 02:04 AM | #16 |
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Haha, the Ladyboy circus is in Derby at the moment, and taking up the whole market place. I think it would be a fun, if somewhat bemusing night out, I've heard it's an impressive show.
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21 April 2009, 02:07 AM | #17 |
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I really wish I had photoshop skills. You trying to change into Daffodil Man in this, would put a smile on my face
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21 April 2009, 02:23 AM | #18 | |
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21 April 2009, 02:25 AM | #19 | |
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Jim, I started dealing with these feelings as well not long after I became a parent. No easy answers, but I make certain I don't leave the house without a hug and kiss from family.
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21 April 2009, 03:16 AM | #20 |
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When I lost my wife my world collapsed, a colleague at work who had lost his son got me to one side and said "Dave, don't for one minute think that time is a healer, because it isn't, it hurts me just as much now when I think about my son, as it did on the day he was killed" he could see that this shocked me deeply, he continued, "The body and mind adapt, it doesn't get better, but what we do, is we learn to cope with it" His words are always with me, they are so very true.
God forbid that anyone has to bear a loss, the experience left me contemplating suicide, I couldn't do it, I would like to have thought that I did it to spare my son and daughter further grief, that is part of the reason, simply fact is, I was not brave enough. I suppose that when one has everything in life one would wish for, it is an understandable instinct to believe something will go wrong, I'm very happy now, new wife, grand child, but I am like you Jim, I always have that "What if" at the back of my mind, I think it is a natural phenomenon, the better ones position in life, the more one has to lose.
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21 April 2009, 03:19 AM | #21 |
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Thanks Dave...It's a sobering thought.
You're a great chap, your posts always make me think and take stock. I owe you a few beers! J |
21 April 2009, 03:47 AM | #22 | |
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21 April 2009, 03:52 AM | #23 | |
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Words fail me in expressing my utmost thanks to ALL of you for this wonderful support during my hour of need!! I firmly believe that my time on planet earth is NOT yet up!! I shall fight this to the very end.......and WIN!! |
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21 April 2009, 03:53 AM | #24 |
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Then I read Dave's post.....
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21 April 2009, 07:31 AM | #25 |
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I do not fear death. I look at death as the start of the next life which is why living a good life now impacts future lives.
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21 April 2009, 09:47 AM | #26 |
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Jim, I can so much relate to your post. I have suffered from a Generalized Anxiety Disorder my whole life. One of the biggest fears I have is losing my loved ones. It's been especially tough since I had children. My sister lost her only daughter to cancer just before her 4th birthday. My brother lost his 12 year old son in a car accident. All that did was make me even more anxious about what might happen to my own children. I worry about everything....I worry when there is nothing to worry about.....I worry to the point that I lose sleep at times, have nightmares, break out in adolescent type acne , give myself headaches from clenching my teeth and generally just drive poor Al crazy. My children are adults, and the worry goes on. But......it doesn't control my life. I internalize it all and rarely discuss it with people. It doesn't keep me from enjoying my work, my family, my hobbies and all the things that I have/do that make my life the joy that it is. I believe absolutely that one of the things that makes you anxious is the fact that you are such a loving, caring man. As wonderful as those qualities are, they can be a double-edged sword as they tend to intensify the worries and fears simply because you "feel" so deeply. Trust me....you're normal.......and you're not alone.
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21 April 2009, 09:52 AM | #27 | |
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21 April 2009, 09:53 AM | #28 | |
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21 April 2009, 10:01 AM | #29 |
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All of you speak words of compassion. We all believe that we will be able to do our best and protect our children from all dangers as they grow up. And that they will grow up to be strong, independent, find happiness, have dreams and start families of their own. As a father will I ever stop worrying about my son, NO!!! Do I want him to succeed and have the best, YES!!!
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21 April 2009, 10:07 AM | #30 | |
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